Log in to become a member of Shari Vaudo's Fan Club!
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
During the years my family and I lived in the south and in Virginia, I always made sure to have several new swim suits each year because we spent a lot of time at the ocean. Since moving to Western New York however, buying a swim suit hasn't even crossed my mind. There are really two reasons for that; we get about three days of weather warm enough to put on a swim suit and have you seen Lake Ontario and Lake Erie? Yuk!
My figure is no longer that of a pre-motherhood girl, chiseled from marble. It's more like the ideal college graduate, well rounded.
I think I've hit every department store, women's clothing store and sporting goods store within one hundred miles of Hidey Hole Hollow, looking for something other than a hot air balloon to wear.
My choices, it seems are maternity swim suits with the little pleated skirts or a range of designer fluorescent rubber bands I would be embarrassed to be seen in even in my pre-pregnancy years when my normal weight was ninety-five pounds.
I finally found a swim suit that looked somewhat modest, didn't have a turtle neck and ended well above my knees.
The next step was to take the swim suit into the torture chamber, aka fitting room.
I think I read somewhere that swim suit Lycra was actually developed by NASA to launch small rockets into space. Perhaps that will help.
I struggled my way into the swim suit, checking the size a couple times during the process. As I finally managed to squirm into the shoulder straps and slowly turned to face the mirror, I opened my eyes and gasped in horrormy boobs had disappeared! Eventually I found one boob hiding under my left armpit. The search for the other one took a little longer, but I was determined and eventually found it flattened beneath my fifth rib.
The mature woman's boobs are designed to be worn horizontally across her chest, similar to a speed bump, but swim suits these days have no bra cups.
I realigned my speed bump and turned to look in the mirror again.
I've come to the realization that my body and swim suits were made at opposite ends of the universe. My body was determined to escape from the constriction of that swim suit at any costfrom the top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Play-Doh wrapped in a too small piece of plastic wrap.
I decided this just wasn't the right swim suit for me and tried on several more; each one worse than the one before it untilVoila! This was a cute three piece number. It had turquoise floral shorts and a white halter style top with an appliqu flower that matched the flowers in the shorts. It even had a short sleeve blouse-style beach jacket. Wow. This is perfect! How did I miss this one? It was comfortable and bulge-friendly so I took it off and began to look for my clothes to put back on. After sorting through all twelve swim suits I had tried on, I realized that cute three piece outfit was what I was wearing when I came into the store.
As I re-dressed and walked past the skinny, young salesgirl on my way out of the store, she asked, "Did you find something you like?"
"Yes", I responded, "Unfortunately, it's the outfit I'm wearing."
Shari, thanks for the laughs before calling it a night! I love you sense of humor. Thank you for sharing it with us! I guess the hunt is still on?! Respond to this comment
Hi Shari loved the bit you detailed as the speed bump. I can relate to this because I have to use a waist belt instead of a bra for keeping them up. Thanks for an enjoyable read
Thank you both so much for reading my article and I'm glad you enjoyed it. My stories are really just the ramblings of a crazy lady with an even crazier life.
Disclaimer: All information on this site is provided for informational purposes only! By no means is any
information presented herein intended to substitute for the advice provided to you by any health care or other professional
or organization.
tweet this!
