Treat others how you would like to be treated. Sounds simple enough doesn't it, and without serious inspection it would even seem like common sense. When applied to children in grade school it works out nicely, they learn to share and not hit utilizing this principle. However as we mature it is important that we consciously realize this rule no longer applies. I seriously doubt if this was ever an effective way for adults to be in relationship with one another, but in today's smaller multicultural world it certainly would not be.
Early in my career as a student activities advisor I begin to notice how different students would respond to my personality. Coming from the military I felt I needed to be hyper sensitive to the way I talked and related to people and especially customers or subordinates. The combination of my sensitivity to the issue and the freedom of college students to speak their mind afforded me the opportunity to learn many things about my personality, belief systems and my skills in relating to others. Probably the most important thing I learned, internalized, and now believe is there is no correct way to be in this world. There is no way I can understand all the circumstances that individual adults go through that help shape them into the people they now are. The beautiful truth is I don't have to understand all of the circumstances and their effects to have meaningful relationships with the products of those circumstances.
My salvation came when I understood that understanding myself is put to better use when I articulate my needs and desires to someone else in the context of them better understanding how I want to be treated. This is much more useful and effective than when I use my understanding of myself to determine how to treat another. To learn how other's would like to be treated body language, facial expressions, and physical distancing may give clues as to what is going on during an interaction, but even these vary from culture to culture and can be misinterpreted. So how then can we be relatively sure we are treating people appropriately?
The best way I have found is to ask. A question such as "I was just wondering how you feel when I ." can bring about amazing conversations. It can take a friendship, business relationship, or intimate relationship from tolerable to asset quicker than many people realize. Such a question signals the willingness to consider ways to improve a relationship and an openness to consider doing something different on your part. Well, at least that is how I like for people to treat me.
Very interesting reading that was well-written, James. Thank you for sharing what I've learned, too. We are to love unconditionally and that can be done easiest by asking, "how do you like to be loved?" As you've said, doing this is giving others what they need and not what we feel they need. Your article tells an important lesson adults need to learn. Respond to this comment
When you get a new dog or cat, it doesn't take you long to learn where they like to be scratched and what they don't want touched. They are very good at teaching you how they want to be treated. Consequently, they get treated the way they like to be treated. The squeaky wheel gets the grease and all that.
You've made a great point. I tossed out the Golden Rule years ago when I learned about masochists. :) Still, I do persist in thinking that I understand things that I probably do not. I'll have to give your question a try.
Thank you for reading and responding Dianne, I should have tossed it out years ago as well. I am really trying to make this a habit because when I apply this technique it usually improves my relationship so much. Happy writing and reading.
Good article, James. I have a sign in my house that states "because nice matters" and I think that, if it is within my power, I should be nice. Sadly, I know I don't always succeed. Thanks for the reminder.
Great advice James! I can imagine that question revolutionizing marriages across the country! It is hard to relate with others not knowing where they are coming from or have been exposed to! Thanks so much for explaining this important concept! I couldn't agree more!
James, these are wonderful insights. We all have different needs and desires. I for one like the honest, don't be around the bush approach when others talk to me, but I have to be careful because many people think that is rude, so I can't necessarily treat others the way I want to be treated. Thanks for the thought provoking article and the reminder that we all need to step outside of ourselves and listen to what other people are saying, and not saying to us. Bravo!!! Blessings to you! Teresa
I am with you Teresa, my colleagues here on the west coast persistently tell me it is because I am from back east that I am so blount and borderline rude. I have tried modifying my style as much as I can stomach without feeling I am avoiding situations just because they may be a little uncomfortable. I don' t know I feel both respected and that I am being respectful so hopefully I have found a happy medium. Thanks for reading and commenting.
» left by Dr Clarence Rucker, Jr from MI (155 days 9 hours ago.)
James, "I don't have to understand all of the circumstances and their effects to have meaningful relationships with the products of those circumstances." You are correct, just come as a you would like to be treated. Either they accept or not. You have still done your part. Stay as a child, (humble). Very good article. Sorry I just got to it.
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