I think that we are all born with self-esteem. When we are very young, everything revolves around us. As children, we give little thought to our place in the world because it is obviously at the center of it. We are perfect just as we are.
Somewhere along the way, we come to understand that there are others outside of ourselves in the world and we start to wonder. Parents and society, without knowing they are doing it, start to demolish our perfect sense of self. We begin to doubt.
There are lucky souls who never lose their sense of self-esteem; who never doubt their place in the world and are happy with it. Some of us have it knocked out of us for one reason or another and then strive the rest of our lives to regain it. Others never know what they have lost or how to go about regaining it. But in the end, everyone wants it. Feeling good about one's self is critical to a happy and peaceful life. I have witnessed the difficulties that low or no self-esteem can create in a person's life. Mine own is a good example.
Recently, a new friend invited me into her home to look at some artwork done by her friends and family. As she was letting me in, she remarked in a very apologetic way that her house was a mess. I told her not to worry about it and that she should see mine. It got me to thinking as many things do.
When I was younger, my mother kept a spotlessly clean and tidy house; a difficult thing to do with two young girls. She had a schedule for every day of the week except for Sunday. Whenever friends of my parents would come to visit, it was never apparent that children lived in our house. My sister and I would sit quietly in our rooms and there were no toys or children's paraphernalia to be seen. People would always compliment Mom on the cleanliness and tidiness of her house.
When I was older and could be relied upon to sit quietly, I was allowed out of my room when they had company. I could observe my mother as she received the praise for her housekeeping. She fairly glowed with pride.
It wasn't until I was older still and would accompany her on shopping trips that I came to understand that she really had very little intrinsic self-esteem; that what self-esteem she had was a product of what she did and how she perceived her place in the world. Her treatment of store clerks was abysmal. She obviously considered herself to be better than them. Treating them badly and having them "take it on the chin" confirmed for her, her status over them.
And yet, she also seemed to believe that "official" individuals were above her in the order of things, even if they were also "clerks." This was made apparent to me by the fact that whenever she faced an "official" or called one on the phone, she suddenly became Mrs. Jerrold Aldrich. She was no longer just Sue or Sue Aldrich. She was seeking a higher, more influential position and believed that she could achieve that by being my father's wife instead of just being herself. Her self-esteem was not based on her intrinsic self-worth, but rather on how well she kept her house, how well her children behaved, her marriage and how many people she could put beneath her in the pecking order of her life.
Corporations have pecking orders with someone at the top who is ultimately responsible for all that transpires and makes the final large decisions. Even committees have a chairperson (there's a long standing joke that committees never achieve their stated purpose). In the home, parents have seniority over children. I've recently come to appreciate that a pecking order can be essential to keeping the peace and keeping things generally running smoothly along. Horses have shown me this. While they work out a pecking order and adhere to it (with changes as new horses are introduced or as horses leave), it is obvious that they lose none of their personal and intrinsic self-esteem in the process. They can stand peacefully for hours, content to just be. The lowest horse in the hierarchy can stand right next to the highest and everyone is happy. You would have never found my mother associating with a store clerk. Don't get me wrong. She was a wonderful woman, kind and caring. She was just doing the best she knew how to feel good about herself.
When my new friend said what she did and I replied as I did, I realized that I had "caught" some of my mother's beliefs about what makes me good. If a friend drops by unexpectedly, I feel much better about the visit if my house is orderly (which it mostly is not it's clean but not at all orderly). But if you think about it, friends come to see you, not your house.
Frequently, our sense of self on its own, not even considering our self-esteem, is tied up in who we think we are, how we think we fit, how we look, who we can make to seem more stupid than we are, what car we drive, who we can "put" beneath us, how much money we have and all of this in comparison to all those others around us. When the reality is that we are all just people; no one person any better than another. The "things" of life are just things and have nothing to do with our intrinsic self-worth. This is my truth and I struggle to embrace it on a daily basis.
So what is the basis for self-esteem? There is no external basis. You either have it or you don't. It's a choice.
I believe that on the day that every living soul on this planet realizes this, embraces it and believes it, that then we will finally be able to work together to everyone's benefit. When we can place someone above us in some pecking order or other simply for the sake of getting things done and it does not in any way affect our ability to esteem ourselves, then we can truly begin to live.
Dianne Lehmann is a jewelry designer who has been in business since January of 2000. Her interest in designing and manufacturing jewelry goes back beyond that to 1994. It took her many years of trying various creative outlets to finally figure out that making jewelry is what she really enjoys. She has also discovered that she loves to write for Searchwarp. If you like, you may view her work at http://www.syzygyjewelry.com
"When the reality is that we are all just people; no one person any
better than another. The "things" of life are just things and have
nothing to do with our intrinsic self-worth. This is my truth and I
struggle to embrace it on a daily basis."
"I believe that on the day that every living soul on this planet
realizes this, embraces it and believes it, that then we will finally
be able to work together to everyone's benefit."
I agree with you wholeheartedly. An excellent article on self-esteem and the lack thereof. Thank you for sharing yourself.
» left by sue thom from nj (198 days 23 hours ago.)
hi dianne,
i agree with robin, self esteem is a human birthright, unfortunately, there are parents who don't realize that their put downs and degrading remarks when they get angry, can strip that child of any kind of positive feeling for themselves, and as you said, they look for it for the rest of their lives.
I don't know when that will change. I don't understand why parents feel they must put their children down. But it's not just the parents. In high school my husband had a math teacher tell him he could never be an electrical engineer (he was actually good at that sort of thing) because he was no good at algebra. Bernd went on to tutor algebra in college.
I think a lot of people feel threatened by those who seem to be more intelligent or more attractive or you name it and so they find some way to put them down. But why a parent might feel threatened by their child, I can't imagine. Oh well, I'm just making this up as I go. :)
Hi Dianne, what a wonderful and thought provoking piece. It is a sad thing when we look to external approvals to give us our self worth. It does cause us to behave in strange ways and can actually cause people to think the worst of us. You made a great point when you shared that you learned why your mom was the way she was. This is a great lesson for everyone to take to heart.
On a funnier note, I had to laugh because at dinner the other night we were talking about what pac-rats both of our children are. They both agreed and told us that even though we are great parents, we should have stuck to our guns on making them do their chores. Looking back it might have been a good thing to do, but we simply said," we were more concerned about what kind of people you would be then how clean your room was." Now they are well-adjusted young adults with great self-esteem, I wish we would have made them clean their rooms. ha!
Thanks for sharing this personal and thought provoking story. Love and blessings to you! Teresa
Thanks, Dianne, for a wonderful article. I grew up very shy and with low self esteem. As I grew older and found a place in the world for me, I began to feel much better about myself and everyone around me.
I started out not shy at all, but by the time I was ten years old or so, I was extremely shy. I had learned to doubt my place, abilities and worth. It's a shame really that it happens at all. (I am either blessed or cursed with a very good memory of my early childhood. I can remember talking to anyone about anything, standing up and singing a song at anyone's request with no thought for how well I might do it and generally being unconcerned about what others might think of me. That last bit might be the most important part.)
I love to hear that people have overcome their shyness and fear. I'm glad that you have found a place for yourself. It gives me hope for myself and others.
Self-esteem, as with confidence, is something that cannot be taken away. This is a nice article in that you point out how everyone, in their own way, should look at themselves in a positive light. Otherwise, an unhappy life filled with doubt follows.
No one may be able to take it from you, but it can be hidden by negative thoughts created by negative statements made to you by those around you. If we were told when we were three years old that people would say negative things to us and that we would have to be ever vigilant and not take them in and if we might actually understand what was told to us, then we might manage to keep our self-esteem all our lives.
I do know that not esteeming ourselves is not merely the product of the forces applied to us by our environment. And that is why I said that it is a choice. So if it seems that I am laying the blame solely at the feet of others, it is not so. But if no one ever told us that we were "bad," would we ever think that we were?
With all the negative messages out there, it is sometimes hard to look at ourselves in a positive light. I do understand that your comment was not a criticism, but I couldn't help being moved to more thought by what you said.
I thank you for reading my article and for commenting. I'm grateful that you saw the positive in it.
Of course I was complimentary. You're exactly right, 'you either have it or you don't'. Many fall in the trap of thinking self-esteem can be taken away by someone, and sometimes it's hard to remember who we are in all we do and all we are. I work in a drugstore, and I can tell you first-hand how sometimes I feel as an insignificant speck of mud when a customer is having 'issues'. And yet, there is always the positive to look at. Sometimes it's hard to see the positive in the person trying to bring you down, of course, and at those times we have to remain positive for ourselves.
I really liked your article as it brought something to mind which many of us take for granted.
You are right that people beat the self esteem out of you. I am living proof that you don't have to stay that way. My father beat me unmercifully and convinced me that I was worthless for a time. I convinced myself otherwise though a series of adventures that gave it back to me. I went surfing in a huricane at 17, went on a cross country motorcycle trip by myself for the whole summer at 18, went into the Army at 19 and made E=5 by 21 and put myself and my wife through college by the time I was 29. You can reclaim your self esteem by challenging yourself and achieving your goals to feel great. So many people buy into the negatives and then feed themselves negative self talk
I think it all ties into people not taking responsibility for their own lives. So many people think that someone else should fix the things that are wrong; like government or charities and such. But beyond that, you just can't listen to the negative messages that others push on you. But then you know that. It sounds like you are a very determined and successful person. I think that is great!
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