“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you. And though they are with you yet they belong not to you." (Kahlil Gibran)
Recently I have been spending more time educating mothers of troubled teenaged boys. What I have found is that the progressive and open attitude of these mothers is hopeful and inspiring. Hopeful, because there is much that a mother can know and do that is essential in this crucial developmental period of their son’s life. Inspiring because the steps a mother might have to take to truly help their sons are difficult, painful and as I will outline, counter-intuitive. The most common factor I find in these situations is the lack of a strong male figure in the lives of troubled teenage boys, and these suggestions are with that in mind. It’s not easy being mom. Here are 10 suggestions, given in hope that you suffer less as a mom, and that your boys become men and not just old ‘boys’. I know you hope that too.
1. Know your role as a mother: Understand clearly what it means to be a mom. Look at your own beliefs regarding being a mom. Be realistic, not emotional. Step back and consider the greatest gift you could give your son may be the most difficult for you to give as a mother. Explore the idea of ‘good enough’ mothering.
2. Educate yourself regarding male development: Being a mother, you can never experience what it’s like to be a teenage male. You can understand intellectually, and if you understand intellectually you will be far ahead of any uneducated efforts you might make. Read books and articles on male development and men’s work. See the list of suggestions at the end.
3. Set boundaries and keep them at all costs: Teenage males need to know where they stand, and they can only do so if you take your stand. Sons often define themselves against you, for better or worse. You must maintain a solid place for them to define themselves. Set realistic boundaries and keep them, even if it’s painful and scary.
4. Work with your own reactivity: All human beings are filled with reactive patterns, which means we are all programmed and conditioned to think and act in predicable, knee-jerk ways because of our past. Get to know your own patterns of thinking, feeling and speaking. That way you have self-knowledge. Your son will expose your ‘stuff’ to work with. This means you can grow from this as a person. This is called ‘mom-work’.
5. Don’t take it personally: You are part of a Mom/Son human pattern that is bigger than you as a person. This dynamic was created billions of years ago with the first birthing. Mom/Son relationships have been unfolding for millennia. If you never existed as a person, the pattern you are a part of, still would. This means whatever you experience as a mom is normal.
6. Keep an adult/mature perspective: This goes back to # 4 and 5. When we are reactive we have regressed, which means we are relating from less mature, programmed types of communications. We can blow it when we become emotional and overwhelmed. When we are aware of our ‘triggers’ we are better equipped when it comes time to deal with emotionally charged issues.
7. Back off and set them free: Do not create a ‘nest-bound’ son by being a mother who confuses parental ‘support’ with your own fear and neediness. It is absolutely necessary for the mother to coax, then nudge, then … if necessary push their son OUT! Push them out at all costs. Tell them in advance, and do it with full knowledge and communication of your love.
8. Create a life independent of your son: The empty nest syndrome is a term given to mothers whom have defined themselves by the ‘mother role’ and little else. When the children fly away, they are left wondering ‘what now?" They have been ‘mom’ so long that when mom is unnecessary they feel their whole life becomes unnecessary.
9. Expose them to deep and mature masculine perspectives: I would summarize the main problem we are looking at as follows: Historically, older men once guided boys through the transition of ‘definition’ and into manhood. In our times there is a lack of this process and boys are only growing older but not growing up. They remain ‘undefined’, undirected and uncertain. Now the term ‘man’ includes boys who are the age of manhood but have never entered manhood. There is a world of difference between an old boy and a deep, mature and grounded man.
10. Direct them toward strong men: There is a group of men who have willingly and very seriously shouldered the task of ushering the young males of today into the manhood of tomorrow. This is a group of men that all boys and men should be exposed to. I mean that without qualification. This is a group of men, dedicated to creating and supporting an environment for deep, honest and necessary male exploration. Here is a link that should be explored by any adult that would like to provide optimal conditions for a young male to become a man: http://www.mkp.org/vancouver/
www.wakinguptolife.com
Suggested Readings for Moms of Troubled Teenage Sons
Fire in the Belly: Sam Keen
King, Warrior, Magician, Lover. Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette
Knights Without Armor: Aaron Kipnis
Iron John: Robert Bly
