Grief is the internal process that takes place whenever someone we love or something that is cherished is no longer there. On the other hand, mourning is giving ourselves permission to share grief with others. In other words, to go public and express what is happening deep within.
Expressing emotion in some form is the essential act that begins the process of meeting the many goals of grief. What are these goals? There are several: establishing a new relationship with the deceased, establishing a new identity (we are not the same, as part of our nurturing community is gone), and creating new routines. Also, reinvesting in life, working through painful reminders, and frequently assuming new roles must be addressed.
However, at the top of the list-the #1 goal-one which dogs all of us at various times in life is: to accept the reality of the loss. Or, as one who recently lost a spouse said to me, "You have to accept what happens to you. Unless I can change it, it happens. I have to make it through the change. Many in the world before me experienced this." How can acceptance be facilitated?
I have asked many people who have suffered the deaths of loved one how they were able to deal with their great losses. How were they able to accept the things they couldn't change? Here are their top seven responses.
1. I know (s)he is in a better place and out of pain. Many people deal with their grief in part through gratitude. They focus on the freedom from suffering the loved one has attained. They think about all the people who are still here and love them. They realize they have taken so much for granted and need to be more thankful.
As one mourner said, "I'm grateful every day when I wake up." The gratitude mind set takes work, especially at a great time of sadness; but it is life affirming and helps immensely in leading to acceptance. Find a way to start a gratitude practice today.
2. I learned more about grief. Dr. Michael DeBakey, the famous heart surgeon, at age 99 said, "You can never learn enough." Of course, this applies not only to grief but a host of other lifetime issues and concerns. However, with all of the myths about what is and is not normal grief, it is important to find credible sources that you can rely on to normalize your grief.
I assure you, the knowledge is out there that will help you. You need only to diligently search for it, take what is useful, and let go of the rest.
3. My faith got me through it. One woman said, "When I pray I find peace. That desperate feeling calms down." Others believe that they are not alone in their sorrow, and that their Higher Power is always with them. This is a powerful belief since there is always someone to turn to when others are not around or friends shy away and think you need professional counseling. Pray for the wisdom to make the correct choices (acceptance is all about good choices) in adapting to the changes to be faced including the feelings of powerlessness.
4. I think of her often and talk to her. Although many who are mourning will not openly offer this information unless asked, a surprising number of people talk to their deceased loved ones. This is very healthy. Often this coping technique goes on for months or years; sometimes it becomes a lifelong comfort. Some pray to the deceased asking for their intercession to a Higher Power in order to deal with a particular problem.
5. I found a supportive group environment. Human contact in times of turmoil is absolutely essential. We have to check out the accuracy of our reflexive beliefs with others who are dealing with similar losses. We have to decide if there is a less destructive way to view our loss since we learn many myths about grief early in life. Bereavement support groups often fill these needs. Not infrequently, hearing the difficulties others face helps us realize our plight is not unique. Then we sometimes see our problems as not quite as bad as we originally thought because others are in the same boat.
In addition, keeping in touch with children and other family members as well as friends is all part of a supportive environment to begin building. And, don't leave out making new friends. This is another must. Shared grief is an occasion for comfort, hope through contact with others, and awareness that we are still loved.
6. I followed a daily schedule. Keeping busy each day is one of the most frequent responses shared when mourners are asked how they are coping. Yes, it can be overdone if you are not facing legitimate pain. However, having a schedule to follow is useful in beginning some of the new routines that have to be established after the death of a loved one. Be sure to put things on your list that are pleasant events for you to engage in so that you have something to look forward to each day.
On the other hand, don't overdo it and try to do too much. It cannot be overemphasized to take time just for yourself and treat yourself with great respect. You are most important. And, realize that acceptance doesn't happen overnight. That's why adapting to change is called grief work.
7. I do something for other people. I volunteer. Focusing on others, even though we are hurting, has long been a successful means of coping with massive change. There is always someone you can assist, who values you, from the shut-ins who need groceries to the children who need story tellers. Those who need others are all around us and are opportunities in waiting to make us actually feel better through giving.
In summary, no one knows exactly why some mourners are able to accept the reality of the death of their loved ones sooner than others-and begin to reinvest in life. There could be many reasons like beliefs, age, a peaceful death, determination of the mourner, and the conviction that love lives on. One thing is clear, as illustrated in the above seven routes to acceptance: each mourner made the choice that (s)he had to change and did something about it.
Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His monthly ezine-free website is www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com .
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Article added to SearchWarp.com on 8/18/2009 1:41:16 PM. View other articles written byLouis LaGrand, Ph.D.(530)
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