Liars lie because they can lie. Over time they become experts in lying Their success today depend on their ability to lie.
They have become dependent on this habit. Lying gives them a feeling of control in a situation they cannot control. Notice the word "feel". In other words, they assume they cannot control the situation if they don't lie.
Let us try to justify why we lie?
The world we live in teach us that we are not allowed to fail. Our parents want us to achieve, they tell us that cowboys don't cry, they punish us when we fail.... They use different punishing tools physical or emotional to manipulate us.
For example, Jonny's mother shouts at her son, "Jonny, why did you break the window?" Jonny doesn't want to disappoint his family and tells a quick lie, "It wasn't me. It's that naughty Peter!" His mother shouts back, "You're a little liar
- it was you. Go to your room now!"
His mother assumed that he broke the window and never gave him the opportunity to explain how the window got broken. She accused him without listening to his side of the story and reinforces his lying habit. It doesn't take long for Jonny to believe he is a liar.
It is clear that Jonny cannot reason with his dominating mother and he realises that he needs to practice his lying skills to avoid pain.
We all want to move away from pain and by realizing that by lying the first time... it worked... we then use the lying habit again and again. We then practice the lying habit and we become expert liars.
Parents and society in general prefer to avoid risk and failure. By avoiding risk they help to create liars. Children are not allowed take risks and when they fail they get punished. They then use lies to avoid failure. They get reminded of their lying habit, which reinforces their failure and therefore feeding their lying habit.
How do you help the liar?
1) Take stock of your own character.
If you create the situations, where the Jonnies of this world revert to lying then you need help. How do you create the opportunity for Jonny to lie? Most of the time you may be manipulative, you threaten, you are jealous, suspicious or you may have the worst habit in life - by being a perfectionist!
2) Accept that the lying behaviour is not the person.
This may be difficult for you to accept. The liar uses the behaviour to cope with his or her situation. Can you help to create an environment where lying is not necessary? Can you recognise the lie and address the behaviour rather than punishing the liar? Can you disassociate yourself from the emotional affect the lie may have on you? Can you disassociate the person from the lying behaviour?
Remember that lying is a choice and therefore the liar can choose to change. As soon as you look at the behaviour (the action) and address that instead of the person you are on the winning path.
3) You and the liar must accept that lying is a choice and that lying is bad for the relationship.
You know that the liar lies and you and the liar must accept and agree that he or she is a liar. Now you have the basis to work towards a new beginning.
4) Allow people do make mistakes and must take risks.
If you want to help the liar, ask yourself if you are a perfectionist (somebody who likes to do things properly and who expects only the best from other people). The liar will not be able to change the lying behaviour overnight and will fail from time to time and you need to move away from your comfort zone and allow space for the behaviour to change.
5) Forgive the liar and forgive yourself.
The liar carries a lot of baggage. The worst being the emotional drain caused by lying because their inner self reminds them that lying is incorrect. Liars have another problem: They need to remember what they said. (I am not taking about a psychopath).
By forgiving, you can unload the guilt you carry and you'll find it easier to focus on the lying habit and not the person.
6) Keep a diary on how the lying affects your life.
As I mentioned above you must take stock of your own character. The best way to do this is to keep a dairy of how lying affects you, how you react and what emotions it stirs in your life. Use a dairy as a feedback system for your own growth and on how you can help the liar.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-- Johan Horak, is the publisher of Habit Busting Secrets:
"Learn how to break ANY habit -- in 21 days (or less) guaranteed!"
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» left by Anonymous (2 years 215 days ago.)
yes this was very helpful, I have been searching for a sensible understanding about lying. Respond to this comment
» left by chris richards from united kingdom (2 years 185 days ago.)
great help thanks this could save my relationship Respond to this comment
» left by Anonymous (2 years 105 days ago.)
thanks so much, this is excellent. Respond to this comment
» left by Jaquann Hughes from iawo (2 years 35 days ago.)
ok now the next time my mom ask were my key i'm going to tell her i lost it and if she ask how have i been geting into the house y she were gone a lock the door's i'm going to tell her the ture i been geting in the window......................this help me a lot. Respond to this comment
» left by Don Pitchers from San Diego (2 years 29 days ago.)
This article was very helpful and explains a lot. My current relationship is in danger of ending because of my lying. This article gave me a base to buld my recovery on. Thank you!!!! Respond to this comment
» left by bish69 (1 year 255 days ago.)
the diary suggestion is kind of iffy. Respond to this comment
» left by Suzy Q from WA (1 year 219 days ago.)
It seems that most of the blame is on the other person, the person who was deceived. I'm sure the liar has been lying from way back, why put all the work on the receiver. Respond to this comment
Thank god i found this! I was going to finish my marriage today because of continueous lying, now i have something to work with and understand that because i have said if you lie again its over,once the lie has been done their is only one option to keep lying or lose the relationship. In a way he can not win. Fingers crossed
As a liar myself, it gives me a something to work with. I may possibly lose my wife of 23 years because of my lying. I will use what you have here to try and build on myself. I hope for the sake of my family it works. Nothing else left.
I second the response that noticed that flaw in logic whereby the blame was being placed on the one who was deceived.
When somebody CHOOSES to lie it is not correct to put the blame on the person who was deceived. In fact it is counterproductive because it allows the liar to avoid taking personal responsibility for their CHOICE to lie.
If a person feels that they are in a situation where they cannot be truthful, they need to have the courage to tell the truth, or tell the the other person it is time to go their separate ways.
It is highly disrespectful, selfish, and manipulative to lie to another person whether by outright lies, filtering and sanitizing the information, or lying by omission.
It is time for people (liars) to stop making excuses for their own behavior.
Very eloquently put. In fact, YOU just helped me with a situation where I just had to let a good friend of mine for ten years go, because of her lying. I tried... G_d knows I tried to get her to see that yes, I may get mad if she tells me the truth, but I'll still be here as long as she doesn't lie to me. I've put up with it for two years (this is just what I know of), and that's 1yr, 11mos., and 29-30 days too long. I was convinced that the problem was me because she felt the need to lie to me. Well, last month she went too far, and I cut her loose. I've been feeling like crap about it... and she was very hostile afterwards. I know I made the right decision, because she was never going to change (she was even worse to other people). I am saddened by it, as I know she could be better, but she chooses not to be, and I dealt with it, with the tips in this article, for far, far too long.
» left by elyssa from miami FL (219 days 10 hours ago.)
once i told a lie that my mp3 player was at my cuzins house but it wasnt and now i told my mom the truth that it was on the bus cas my fraand had it and she lost it but it was a acciedent and my mom didnt really care (sort of )
I really liked this article and it hit the nail on the head with my boyfriend. I admit I lie, and it is in defense of his jealous, possessive, perfectionist behavior. To him it's black and white, people change overnight, not him though because hes 23 and has 'everyone and everything figured out'. I showed this to him and let's just say he wasn't too impressed. Some guys just cannot naval gaze and realize they contribute to the problem. If you're with someone like him you better hope you can solve your own problems or have a friend to help because with him you're basically on your own. I'm crossing my fingers.
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