My daughter would be 17, had she not died during open heart surgery. For anyone who has lost a child, you know that the pain doesn't go away. We put the emotions to the back of our mind, as we go about our daily lives. Days like the anniversary of our child's death, birthdays and the holidays bring those feelings of loss to the surface. After 17 years listening to the song "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton still makes me cry. Someone said to me once, that they had never met anyone who held on to the memory of their child like I do. She said that most people just put it to back off their mind and go on with life. But to anyone who has lost a child, they will agree with me that is the farthest from the truth.
You may not always see a parents pain, because we have become very good at hiding it. For some parents it is not always easy to talk about their child's death. When you have lost a child part of you dies too. Some feel because my daughter died at five weeks, I should not be so attached. But it does not matter if our child was one month when they died or fifteen. The pain of loosing a child is still as strong.
Talking about your child and keeping their spirit alive, keeps you alive. I didn't build a shrine for my daughter, but I do have her keep sakes in a special box. I talk about her from time to time and I write about her. I have photos of her around my home and when asked how many children I have, I answer three. I have always talked to my daughter and my son about their sister. They understand why their mother and father are sad on days like their sister's birthday and anniversary of death. They both also visit the grave with us.
It is hard to accept that my daughter Katie died and I can never bring myself to say goodbye. However, I have given her wings to fly by accepting that she is gone.
God had a better plan for her. Someone once said that children are not ours to keep. They are only on loan to us until God calls them home. God call my daughter home, five short weeks after he gave her life. I wasn't ready. She left this world to soon. She left before her little life after began. But I can't change what God has chosen. But, I do accept that someday I'll see her again in Heaven and when I do, it will be a joyous reunion.
I am so sorry for your loss, Rose. I have been witness to the pain of parents who have lost a child, working in a PICU and NICU, and the mother's cry is the most wrenching sound in the universe.
I am glad that you have found a way to cope, to "move on," in a sense.
» left by Brianna Popsickle (80 days 22 hours ago.)
So beautifully written Rose. As I commented to you earlier today, no one can truly understand your pain until they've walked in your shoes. I think it's wonderful that you keep the memory of your daughter alive for you, and for her brother and sister. Thanks for sharing such a heartfelt story with us.
I lost a baby too soon. I certainly can relate to your pain. We all grieve and heal in different ways. It sounds as if you've found a way to move forward while honoring your child's life. A difficult balancing act, to be certain.
I commend you for sharing your story with others. Hopefully, it will give others courage to accept that which cannot be changed. As you said so poignantly, you will see her again in Heaven, and what a reunion that will be.
You have my deepest sympathy and will be in my thoughts and prayers.
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