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There was a time when I swore that I would never get on Twitter. I
just didn't see the point. Why would anyone want to sit around all day
reading about what other people were doing in 140 characters or less. I
was far too busy with work, complaining about work, and thinking up
excuses to miss work for this kind of foolishness.
But as happens
so much in my life I changed my mind. I don't really recall why but one
day I just said to myself: 'Self, let's give Twitter a try.' And since
I didn't answer myself back with any reasonable objections, I went to
Twitter.com and set up an account. And from that moment on my life
changed...
There's just something about Following people,
especially famous people, that gives me a thrill. Maybe it's because my
own life consists of hot days at work, cold takeout for dinner at
night, and lukewarm beer in between. When you live in this vicious
circle of boredom like I do, reading tweets about Ashley Tisdale's new
hairdo not only breathes fresh air in your musky existence but it also
makes you feel like you're part of the world. And then to top it all
off she POSTS A PICTURE!!! of the new hairdo and suddenly I'm a kid
again, alive and free.
I know, you think I'm pathetic. A grown
man getting excited over the random tweets of a tween. Well I'll have
you know that I also derive great pleasure from the tweets of Kirstie
Alley, Ellen DeGeneres, and Shaquille O'Neal, and some weird guy from
Fresno who says funny stuff and makes even funnier faces. So there, I
may be addicted but at least I 'm well-rounded.
I tried to
explain to the guys at work about Twitter but they stared at me like I
was speaking Swahili or something. One guy asked if there were any
naked chicks on there. Another guy wanted to know if following someone
on Twitter could be considered stalking. My boss just spit and walked
away. You just can't bring culture to some people.
I've started
to lose sleep because of Twitter. You know when you wake up in the
middle of the night and roll around for a few seconds finding a
comfortable position and then go right back to sleep? Well I jump up
and refresh my Twitter page to see what's happening in the world. I'd
hate for Perez Hilton to tweet something and I not get to read it until
THE NEXT MORNING. That just won't do in TwitterTown.
I think my
job performance has started to slip because of Twitter. I drag in every
morning looking like Death wormed-over because I've been up all night
refreshing and reading (my R&R). Then instead of focusing on my
work I spend all day looking at the time and counting down the hours
until I can get on Twitter again. I've developed a nervous twitch
(Twit-ch. Get it!) and I also find myself scratching and pacing a lot.
All
in all, I'm glad I joined Twitter. Sure I'm about to lose my job, I've
developed a serious case of eyeball strain from staring at my monitor
too much, and my room smells like the county landfill because doing I
refuse to do laundry and cut into my TwitTime. Those are all small
prices to pay to know what the constantly be updated about what world
is doing. And now if you'll excuse me, I think Paris just tweeted
something about her dog that I JUST HAVE TO READ...
Follow me on Twitter @mrtimothyjward
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