Last time I shared with you the first five of ten ways someone can betray a complete LACK of social skill through their conversational style.
If you didn't happen to catch that e-mail from Friday night, I highly recommend going back to your mailbox and digging it up prior to reading what follows. It was sent around 7p EDT on Friday night.
Your response to that first part has run the entire gamut from serious to hilarious, but one thing's for sure: You DID NOT WANT TO WAIT to hear the second half.
So far be it from me to keep it from you. Here is the second half of the list-and I've saved a few of the REALLY SUBTLE ones for last!
1) Hating All Sorts Of Stuff
There has been a lot of talk lately by many about "eliminating negative people" from their lives.
Well, there's been a whole lot of ACTION, also. With more of a spotlight on the issue than ever, human "radar" is tuned in to detect "haters" more than ever.
If you freely express your disdain for job, coworkers, acquaintances, minor inconveniences, TV shows, restaurants and..wellEVERYTHING ELSE; don't be surprised when people stop wanting to hang out with you.
For the record, anything that falls under the heading "complaining" is exactly what we're talking about here.
Now granted, you can't be expected to blow sunshine up people's skirts all the time. But instead of 24/7, aim (as always) for 85/15.
And by the way, if you are of the opinion that being positive, spreading optimism and encouraging others is dorky and lame, I have a challenge for you. Make your next ten Facebook updates and/or Twitter posts expressly positive: words of encouragement, optimistic quotes, etc.
Then watch the MASSIVE difference in how people respond to you.
Let that be your "field test" of the premise we're discussing here.
I promise that a similar dynamic will occur when you interact more positively with people offline, too.
2) Badmouthing Others / Talking Behind Someone's Back
We mentioned spreading unsubstantiated rumors last time. This is similar, but with a distinct twist.
This is essentially all about sharing info with someone about someone else that you really hope doesn't get back to them.
For example, you may tell a friend that you really can't stand a common acquaintancealthough when you are in that other person's presence you smile and keep your opinion to yourself.
Or, you may share potentially damaging or disparaging info with a friend about someone else.
Whether the subject of your wrath is a "friend" or not is irrelevant in this case. The truth is that time and again studies prove that when someone actively badmouths someone else, the listener is more likely to assign the negative characteristics in question to the SPEAKER rather than to the SUBJECT of the conversation.
Welcome to why we all tend to walk away from a salesman at X-Motors car dealership when he starts telling us how terrible a Y-Motors pickup truck is. And we become more likely to ultimately drive off in a Y-Motors truck.
What goes for business goes for social settings also. And a lot of us "un sell ourselves", as a friend of mine who is a sales consultant often says.
The real world test? If you find yourself saying, "Don't tell him I told you this but" it's time to check yourself.
3) One-upmanship
I am a huge fan of Dilbert comics. Having come from a Bell-shaped IT world, I plead the fifth on that.
Nonetheless, there's a recurring character in Dilbert named "Topper" who habitually exerts "one-upmanship" on his colleagues.
That is, no matter what positive thing someone else has achieved, he can do (or has done) better.
In the comic version, Topper's self-proclaimed amazing feats are greatly exaggerated for effect.
And the reason it's so flippin' hilarious is because we ALL know someone like that. We've all been subject to it-and we've all been annoyed to no end by it.
It appears to be a sign of quintessential arrogance on the surface. But at its core it's really just needy, approval-seeking weakness.
As you can guess, one-upmanship is a KILLER for sure. Beginning conversation with the phrase, "That's nothing, I" is the telltale sign that it's going on.
4) Giving Unsolicited Advice
Now let's turn our attention to the practice of giving advice when it hasn't been asked for. This is really a tough one.
Why?
Because 99.9% of the time people who can't help but give others unsolicited advice really MEAN WELL. They're good people and they just want to help someone else avoid trouble.
Even more troublesome, then, is how confused they feel when nobody wants to hang out with themwhen they're genuinely trying to be NICE.
The problem, however, is that most of us FEEL STUPID when subjected to someone else's "eminent wisdom". We may also perceive the advice-giver's liberty at bestowing it upon us as a bit arrogant.
So we don't generally like people who give out advice we didn't ask for. We find their input pushy or even borderline manipulative.
Often, we even go so far as to think of such people as under-qualified to even GIVE such advice, don't we?
But manwhen you really care about someone and know he or she is headed for a MAJOR mistake, it's all but impossible to bite our tongue, isn't it? We may feel at times that it's a flat-out MORAL IMPERATIVE to step in.
So we might say, "You know, if I were you I would"
And such is often responded to with a line like, "Hey look, if I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it!"
From a social perspective, it's surprisingly often the best idea just to let people make their mistakes
When and if the chips are REALLY down, try asking permission to share some insight: "Would you mind if I offered you a suggestion?" Often you'll get a favorable response when you've taken the time to respect someone's judgment ahead of time like that.
And interestingly, the more respect you GIVE, the more others tend to respect YOUR advice. Life is funny like that.
5) Pre-Assuming Social Awkwardness
I believe I've saved the most fascinating one for last.
Based on the title of this section, you may be asking yourself who in their right mind would ASSUME a social situation would turn out awkward ahead of time?
I mean, why even attempt to be social if your intent is to make things awkward?
Well, what if I told you people do this ALL THE TIME?
Actually, the dynamic can play out in any number of very specific ways. Let me offer a few examples and you'll quickly see EXACTLY what I mean.
First, someone may say, "With all due respect" at the beginning of a sentence. Invariably, something disrespectful is about to come out of that person's mouth when that happens. He or she KNOWS it's potentially disrespectful, but is going to say it anyway.
Or, the phrase "Don't take this the wrong way" may be used. Clearly, the speaker expects what is about to be said to be potentially offensive.
Perhaps someone may lead with, "I hope this doesn't come out the wrong, but" In that case, someone is literally PLANNING to be misunderstood.
Lack of respect, offensive statements and wanton misunderstanding were NOT signs of solid social skills last time I checked.
So that wraps up the list.
Again, like I said last time, don't beat yourself up too much if any of these look familiar to you. I'm pretty sure almost all of us have been guilty of almost ALL TEN at one point or another in our lives, right?
Now that you have the list in front of you, you have objective examples to help guide the way. That'll make it TONS easier to check yourself when you see potential situations arise.
Simply KNOWING what a wrong-headed approach looks like can be all it takes to prevent southbound social skills from making and unwelcome appearance.
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