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If you're a frequent reader of my articles, you already know The Frontiersman and I have recently retired; he retired a year ago and I retired three months ago, so we're already experiencing RHS (Retired Husband Syndrome). The symptoms include irritability (his), ulcers (mine), rashes (not yet), hair loss (both of us), and the recurring urge to toss one's husband out the window.
RHS is a recognized ailment in Japan where the divorce rate among couples married twenty years or more doubled between 1985 and 2000. I don't know if the divorce rate credited to RHS in the USA is being tracked or not, but it would be a good idea.
Add to that The Frontiersman decided to give up smoking and winter isn't far off and the perfect storm is brewing.
With all this going on, my life has become very much like a roller coaster ride. I suggest if you find yourself in this situation, you go away on a vacation for the initial week when he quits smoking. If you can't afford a real vacation, perhaps your mother would appreciate a little 'alone time' with you.
"I'm going to quit smoking tomorrow", The Frontiersman told me one day last week.
"What a coincidence", I replied, "I'm going away for a few days. I'm leaving tomorrow".
"Oh, cut it out", he shot back. "Why don't you have any faith in me?"
The condemned man awoke later than usual the next morning. He said he couldn't think of a reason to get up any earlier since he's not smoking anymore. This is pitiful.
I should tell you at this point that The Frontiersman generally doesn't eat sweets of any kind. He only weighs about ten pounds more than the day we were married forty-four years ago.
We went our separate ways that morning, as we each had things to do. When he came in the house at lunchtime, I noticed him pulling Butterfinger wrappers out of his pocket and throwing them in the waste basket. I asked him how he was doing without cigarettes. He complained that his stomach hurt and he felt bloated and he was sure it was from not smoking.
"Do you think eating a pound of Butterfingers in two hours might have something to do with it", I questioned.
The next morning, at breakfast, I again asked him how he was feeling. His stomach, it seems, was better but now the complaint was an upper, middle back ache. Again, he was convinced it was from the lack of tar and nicotine in his lungs. I suggested he just relax and he would be fine.
He began chewing gum, no...I mean really chewing gum...as in drive me crazy chewing. From breakfast till bedtime...chewing gum.
Two days later he had yet another complaint. This time he said his jaw ached and his teeth felt loose. (Imagine that!) With his marathon gum chewing event I was surprised he hadn't dislocated his jaw.
I realize that everyone handles nicotine withdrawal differently but I've never heard of anyone separating twist ties, one after the other then peeling the paper off the wires and twisting them into little tiny nooses. I wondered what was going through his fretful little brain. I was very patient with him during this period of his discontent.
Some friends of ours invited us to dinner in the midst of all this mess. Now I really wished I had left town for a few days, but I accepted their gracious offer and prayed that The Frontiersman wouldn't do anything too outlandish and besides, I thought it might be good for both of us to get out and be with people.
As he was getting dressed to go to dinner, he complained that his shirts were getting tight in the stomach and his pants seemed to be smaller. He asked if I was doing something different with the laundry. As I wrestled his bag of corn chips away from him, I replied that I hadn't changed anything in the way I was laundering the clothes and I suggested that perhaps it was the extra intake of calories. The evening went pretty well except that I had to remind him a couple of times that he was not sitting alone at the dinner table.
Now, I really had tried very hard to be patient and understanding and remain upbeat and then one day, I just snapped.
I entered the living room to see him sitting in his favorite chair looking somewhat like a bloodhound and of course I fell for it.
"Why the forlorn look", I asked in an upbeat tone, hoping to cheer him up.
"I don't want to complain", he began.
"Well it's a little late for that", I responded, sarcastically.
Ignoring me, he went on, "I seem to be 'fuzzy headed' lately. I can't think clearly; things don't look right to me".
"What on earth are you talking about", I inquired.
"I was reading the newspaper this morning and I could have sworn the word 'distinguished' was misspelled."
"How was it spelled", I questioned.
"It was spelled correctly, I just thought it wasn't", he corrected. "It's just that I think it's one of the ill effects of quitting smoking; I think too much oxygen is getting to my brain."
After I stopped rolling around on the floor with laughter, I wiped the tears from my eyes, looked at him and asked, "Do we still have to stay together for the sake of the children?"
"Stop being a smart alec", he snapped.
I never thought I'd say this but, I hope he'll take up smoking again soon so his brain stops getting too much oxygen and we don't have to buy him all new clothes; he's already gained fifteen pounds. If he tries to add a diet to the other issues I'm already dealing with, I will leave home and I'm not leaving a forwarding address!
Thank you so much, Nenita. That's a very gracious comment. I just write what I live. My husband and kids are a little quirky so that gives me lots of fodder for the fire. Of course I'mthe only 'normal' one in the family.
You're very kind. I appreciate your reading and commenting.
BEAUTIFUL! Your sense of humor will be the saving grace of your marriage...that is, if you want it to. Hang in there, Nenita! {by the way...just so you know: it only takes an average of 72 hours for the nicotine to wash out of the system (if one drinks one's proper daily of water). All the rest? In his head. HONEST! I know. I've been there.}
Thanks so much for reading and commenting. You have to understand the mentality of husbands (men in general); they're all big babies. They like to complain, but if he didn't, what would I write about?
You're right, they all do like to complain ... all except mine ... he's a saint. :)
I also enjoy your sense of humor and your ability to bring it to us with mere words.
I'm not sure that Camille is 100% right about the timeline, but I do know that nicotine addiction is no laughing matter. I couldn't tell you the number of times my mother tried to quit and the h ... heck she put us all through.
Thanks, Dianne. This is about the third or fourth time he's tried to quit smoking. It's definitely not pleasant around here when he tries to quit, but I TRY to find the humor in it, as with everything else. You just can't take life too seriously.
You really do have a knack (better -- gift). It flows so well and is a joy to read. And, you always capture my attention in your opening paragraphs. Keep it up and thank you.
A great and FUN article, Shari, and I'll put you in my prayers LoL!! Hey, my neighbors are retired and the wife takes off on Friday until Sunday to be with her sister to bake and cook. She can't take all the togetherness but it sounds like with you two living in the country, there are hours of being separate with the Frontiersman being out and about doing chores, but now it sounds like there may be a bit of interference with his stopping to snack.
Hang in there, it won't be long until he adjusts to his cigs not being his "best friend."
I think it's hard to be with any man 24/7 unless you're both teenagers.
He finds lots to do and I keep busy with my sewing, baking, reading and writing and in the spring, summer and fall, gardening. The thought of winter scares me though.
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