If you walked out of your house one morning and saw a bird with a broken wing huddled in some nearby bushes, what would you do?
There is a book that was published some years ago titled, "The Book of Questions," by Gregory Stock, Ph.D. The above question is one of those in the book. The book is intended to help you explore how you feel about well, all sorts of things.
When I was younger, I most likely would have answered the above question with a very self-assured, "Well, immediately help it, of course," and then rushed to its aid. But today my answer is more like, "I'd like to help it, of course, but first I need to think about it a bit."
For the robin that was trapped in the netting surrounding a neighbors cherry tree (they are part-time residents), I did not have to think twice. It had obviously hung there for many hours already, there was no fight left in it and it looked on the verge of death. I cut it loose, took it home, forced some water down its throat (luckily a bird's esophagus and trachea are two separate passages) and gave it a warm and dark spot to recover. Periodically, I would check on it and give it some more water and a little scrambled egg in water. By morning, the robin had perked right up and flew away when I uncovered the box that had been its hospital.
But the question of the wounded bird in the bush gives me pause. How debilitated is it? If I approach it, will it panic and harm itself further? What can I realistically do for it? Can I make matters better or will I just make it worse? In the end, knowing how I am and always thinking that I have the ability to fix things, I would probably go to the aid of the broken-winged bird. But the question got me to thinking that it is not only busted birds that need our aid and how we deal with helping people requires just as much thought as I might give to helping that bird probably more.
Frequently, we think we should just dive right in and do whatever we think we should do. But should we? Is what we think is the right thing to do really what is right in any given situation? How do we know?
You see a man or a woman on the sidewalk. They are dirty and their clothes are torn. They look as if they haven't eaten in a week. They ask you for money and as your heart is breaking, you give them some. Did you just help them or hurt them further? How can you know they are not a drug addict and will only use the money you just gave them to sink further into the abyss?
When someone calls you on the phone and says that they are a charitable organization looking for donations of money, how do you know that they are legitimate? What comes into your mind when you hear phones ringing in the background and lots of other voices saying the same thing that the person talking to you is saying? Say you do give them some money, but it is all that you can spare and then you discover that it was a scam or that 90% of that money went to the person you talked to on the phone, then what do you do about honest charities needing your support?
When a friend asks you for help, but you know that helping them in the way they want you to will harm you, what would you do? At this juncture in my life, I am pretty sure I would choose not to harm myself. But what about the guilt? How great does our personal harm have to be before it is okay to say no? Or should we blindly give aid when aid is requested of us?
Personally, I think that it requires more thought than that. Maybe it's a cop-out on my part. Maybe I'm a bad human being, but think about this scenario: You are driving down a busy road in a commercial district. There is a woman standing next to her car which has a flat tire. You stop to help her and learn that she does not have a cell phone (these people do still exist; besides this is just an illustration). You swap out the flat for the spare for her. She goes happily on her way and you are pleased to have been of help. One month later, this same woman is driving down a seldom traveled back road and she gets another flat tire. She stands beside her car for hours waiting for someone to come along and change her tire for her. But it never happens and she is stuck. All because you helped her the first time and she never learned to do it for herself.
I don't have the answer for this. I wish I did. I'd like some guidelines to help me decide when to be of help, when not to, and how much. I'm not sure such a thing is possible. But I do think that it is clear that thought needs to be taken before any aid is given, even if it is something as seemingly obvious as removing a child from a burning building. Yeah, I know, so shoot me. But say that in the process of saving that child, you cause your own death, what then will your family do? Whose pain is more important? Questions, questions, questions I could use a little help.
This topic is very personal for me and I have some anxiety (what will my fellow authors and readers think of me as a result) about submitting this article, but I will probably do it anyway because I believe this is a question worth thinking about and I would really like to read your thoughts on the matter.
Dianne Lehmann is a jewelry designer who has been in business since January of 2000. Her interest in designing and manufacturing jewelry goes back beyond that to 1994. It took her many years of trying various creative outlets to finally figure out that making jewelry is where she could really shine. Dianne began with simply stringing beads onto cable and has progressed from there. She is now an accomplished lapidary (cuts and polishes stones) and silversmith. Dianne and her husband, Bernd, live in northern Arizona and both love to hike. Dianne can not help but pick up rocks (they are her first love) and some of these find their way into her jewelry. Dianne makes one-of-a-kind pieces that she hopes give people as much joy to view as she gets from the making of them.If you like, you may view her work at http://www.syzygyjewelry.com
I can totally relate to some of the issues you presented here. Years ago, friends had serious financial problems and then their car gave out. I wanted to give them $$ to help get the car fixed. I prayed first and felt the Lord sayaing no..... then later found out that the husband had a drug problem and the $$ might have gone the wrong way. The Lord did help the wife and children and the husband ended up leaving and having many chances to get things straightened out - he chose not to and it was really sad for him but his choice. Marijo
We had a friend that was addicted to gambling who asked us for money that we didn't give him. We felt bad about it at the time, but thought it was for the best. It's great that The Lord was able to guide you through that.
Thank you, Marijo, for reading and sharing your thoughts with me.
people?OK But,a wittle birdie?!shame on you!what do you mean by;"I'd like to help it, of course, but first I need to think about it a bit." ?! Think about it later,but,first, Help that damn bird!!!!!!!!!!
Truth is I probably would think about all the reasons why I might should maybe not and then help it anyway. I once raised a little house finch chick that fell out of its nest way before it was ready. Had to feed that little thing every 30 minutes for the first few days. It grew up just fine, learned to fly in the safety of our house and then we let it go. I was sad, but knew that it was a wild thing in reality and needed to be free. It didn't look back. :)
I raised three baby, newborn featherless naked bobolinks(rice birds), that fell all together,intact in a nest,in Texas ,where I taught junior college.I had to pour boiling water on wriggling worms purchased at a bait store,many miles from my house to feed the dirty darlings(dirty,because they daily shamelessly crapped all over their nest) and they REFUSED to leave when they acquired flight.You should have seen me mowing my half acre of lawn while they flew from tree to tree and onto my head!Eventually,they recognized their innate wildness and left,much to my delight.(We,you and I, were chosen to rescue;we didnt have the power to neglect and ignore them,as would many others have.(not when faced with widdle hapless boidies!) With people,we can easily step right over their fallen bodies,it seems!
Thanks Diane. You have touched on the complexities of being a good neighbor. It is not always easy to hit the "right note," so to speak. I do believe you began with the right proposition, however, by asking am I helping or hurting the person and not what is most convenient for me.
I think altruism, love and care involves taking risks and sometimes it doesn’t work out the way we think it should. Nevertheless, I rather have the feeling that I was burned than feeling I didn’t do enough. Like every piece of yours that I have read, this was thoughtful and insightful --- the right balance of heart and intellect. Thanks for sharing this.
» left by Linda DeWitt from Ca. (36 days 21 hours ago.)
I agree with you that sometimes we do more harm than good if we try to help. I too pray about things now before I make a decision and if in doubt I talk to someone whom I think has a discerning spirit. Thanks for a thought provoking article.
It is always good to talk about some things first. And whether it is with a higher spirit or a good friend or just with yourself, it does make it easier.
Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment.
I've been in the bird situation and the handout to poor guy situation, a couple of times over. I usually help first, and then don't think about it. There is no reconciling rationality and emotion, they are two rivals in the same body.
The kingfisher dangling from a tree by a fish hook didn't turn out so well, but...
I saw a woman once on the highway, looking dirty and disheveled, with a sign "Help me, need money to get home," or something close. She was on the highway everyday with the sign. One day I caught her at the end of her "work day" returning to a fairly new Ford Explorer, parked on a side street. "Huh," I thought, " She's not so bad off, after all."
Another time a man ran down from the exit ramp of the interstate, and accosted me as I was leaving the post office. He had that ghetto look that I didn't think too many people would have stopped for him. But, I rolled down the window, he asked for money, he said for a sandwich, but maybe it was for crack. I gave him $5 and he thanked me. He looked like he needed it, and I guess he did. He felt better, I felt better, win-win.
There were times I didn't stop for help, and for them my conscience plagues me yet. The decision to not help is a slippery slope.
I think a blending of rationality and emotion is the answer. And studies have shown that people with brain injuries and no access to their emotions can not make even the simplest decisions, like whether to use a pen or a pencil. We need both.
And those people asking for money, well that's always my fear. That's why when people say they want money for food, we buy them food.
And I want to feel good just like the next person, as you do too. So helping someone in need is always going to be in the cards. My concern is about possibly making matters worse. The quick fix isn't always the best answer.
I thank you sincerely for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate you for taking the time to read my article.
This is a touchy subject, as you know. Helping shouldn't hurt, and you certainly should never feel guilt for not helping. Offering help when able is noble, of course, and so it is when it might put you at a disadvantage. If my neighbor wants to borrow money, I'm okay with that as long as I can afford it. If some guy on a street corner with a sign wants a dollar, sometimes I don't give (rarely do I, actually, since it is such a common sight here in Austin) and I try not to feel guilty. Very touchy subject, as I said.
Strange, though, how just about everyone would help the bird.
I think the thing with the bird is like I commented to Paul Schroeder. The animals are basically just innocents blundering through the world as humans have arranged it. It's hard not to feel sympathy for their plight. But people are not innocent. They have agendas, they can be dishonest, they can have chips on their shoulders and feelings of entitlement. We doubt what we see because we have no idea of their history.
With friends and neighbors, it is a little different. You have some knowledge of them and can therefore decide better how to help. Sometimes as a result you decide not to help ... that it is the best move. I don't know how not to feel guilt in that situation.
I really appreciate your comments. Some of your thoughts mirror my own and that is comforting. Thanks for taking the time for me.
This was really interesting and you bring up some very good questions. The answer to the woman who needs her tire fixed is to teach her how to change it herself in the process.
Our church (known as the foodbank of Gloucester Township) does not give money to the person who knocks on the door looking for a handout. Instead, we send him to the pizza place across the street where we run a 'tab.'
I'll be ruminating on this one all day. By the way, I help the animals in need as well, except for the squirrel my Lab got last week. With a hawk family nearby (it has been an exciting summer here in suburbia!), I knew the squirrel was too weak to live so, in the interests of survival of the fittest, I left him. The squirrel was gone within the hour. Yes, it hurts, but I think it was the right thing to do.
Well, your dog taking a squirrel is part of the natural order of things, and while I have a hard time watching nature programs wherein some predator is taking down a prey animal, I accept it. My problem is that I want everyone (human people and non-human people) to live long and happy lives, with no stress, and everything they've always wanted. Hah!
Your church does a wonderful thing with that. I think it is clever and kind. And when I wrote out the tire scenario, the thought that her rescuer should have ideally taught her how to do it herself did cross my mind. But that wouldn't have supported my point about enabling at all. :)
We had a dove pair raise something like 12 chicks (in groups of two) in a basket that we put up on a tiny (they tried to make a nest but it kept falling apart)ledge by our front door. They come back every year. Not as exciting as hawks, but when the chicks first leave the nest and spend a day or two on the ground in our front yard, it's fairly tense and exciting for a while.
We saw a snake the other day that was so badly injured that I knew I couldn't do anything for it except say a little prayer to speed it on its way to heaven. We can't fix everything. I know that it is a little harder when it is someone you are responsible for (your Lab) that has done the deed, but don't let it hurt too much. I need to listen to myself more. :)
Hi Dianne, great writing and honest questions. I personally think it would be noble to always put someone elses safety (the girl in the fire) versus my own. But in reality, what would I do, if ever in this situation? I suppose whatever was instinctive at the moment is what would over take me? I sure hope I would run it and not away But in other situations, like the woman on the street corner, I guess would just have to come from a heart of compassion and not thinking so much. I have talked myself out of first response (to help) situations by trying to decide if I was helping or not. Thanks for stepping up in an area most of us struggle with. Big hugs and lots of love, T
It's comforting to know that I'm not alone in the struggle. Well that's certainly self-centered isn't it? :) Let me rephrase: it's comforting to know that others struggle with the same moral issues. Okay, not sure that's any better.
I guess all we can do is hope that when the time comes we manage to do the right thing. The thing that does the least harm, most good and benefits all concerned. Well, we can hope, right?
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Big hugs to you and your family ... lots of long distance hugs!
Very thought-provoking article, Dianne. I think, as humans, we all struggle with this or similar deliberations. We can only pray that we make the right choice each time.
Very good article, Dianne. I love to read your articles.
To answer your question Dianne, I think fellow authors will see you for the sensitive and caring person you are. :) Just recently I was in the city with friends and we passed someone asking for money. My friend said she used to give in that situation but then realized she may not be helping. The money may be used for drugs or alcohol. So she started making a financial donation annually to one of the shelters. That way, (hopefully) her money was getting to those in need. Not a bad idea, and I think sometimes it's more obvious 'how' we should offer to help. But I don't think people should over-analyze 'if they should help', go with your gut. I think we usually know when it's the right thing to do.
Looks like you took my whole article (all those words) and boiled it down really nicely: "and always trying to think things through so we do the right thing."
Thanks for reading and commenting. I hope that all is well with you.
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