As I have discussed in other newsletters and in lectures, being a teenager means wanting independence and wanting to be in control this is part of the "nature of the beast" of being a teen whether we like it or not. So, with this said, it is very difficult for parents to offer, let alone give advice to their teenagers. Parents often times having great feedback and advice to give that would ultimately save their teen from making mistakes or experiencing pain, however, they struggle with figuring out how to share their wisdom with their teenager. Below are 5 tips for parents in giving advice to teens.
1. Lectures: in giving lectures, be selective. If you give too many, they will lose their impact completely and your teen will just tune you out. I generally suggest giving lectures if you really cannot think of anything else to do in a situation. If you do give a lecture, I suggest keeping it short and to the point rather than going on and on while waiting for your teen to give you some feedback or thanking you for your advice (as you know this will likely not occur).
2. Giving advice in general: don't have high hopes for your teen to say, "thank you so much, you are brilliant and I really appreciate your advice". Instead, your teen will likely reject your advice because it impacts their sense of independence. However, they WILL likely still hear it and may be able to digest it and put it into action at a later time.
3. Just be present: a lot of times teens just want to know you are there to listen to what they have to say about a peer, a teacher, music, or something with which they are struggling. They don't necessarily want any direct feedback or advice about what to do. In these situations, it is powerful for parents to just listen and validate what their teen is saying without actually giving them any specific advice. Sometimes parents feel that they may lose an opportunity to guide their teen if they do not offer advice in such situations, however, this is generally not the case. In these situations they will ask for advice if they want it.
4. Feeling rejected after giving advice: sometimes teenagers actually seek advice or seem to really take the advice parents give them. This makes parents feel useful, helpful and connected. However, what can happen after this is teens then push their parents away instead of thanking them or seeking further advice. This is again related to teens wanting to feel independent. After the fact, they may feel that needing advice from their parents is a sign of weakness or a sign of not being as independent as they should be. Even though this perception is likely not reality, it can lead to teens pushing their parents away so that they can feel less dependent on them. In these situations, it is best for parents to not take this rejection personally and to continue to be there for their teens as needed.
5. Be open to another adult giving advice to your teen: often times parents feel rejected or like they are failing if their teen will accept advice from an adult other than them. Teens do not feel as vulnerable when seeking and accepting advice from other adults because there is not such a strong emotional connection to other adults. In addition, teens generally do not feel so dependent on adults other than their parents so taking their advice does not make them feel like they are "weak", "too dependent" or like they are not growing up. Parents should not feel rejected if this occurs and should actually see the benefit in having other positive adults in their teen's life.
2009 Elite Life Coaching
Karen Vincent is a Certified Life Coach and a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker with a Masters Degree from Boston University. Karen has worked with teenagers / adolescents and their parents for the last 15 years in a variety of settings, including outpatient therapy, specialized schools, and in the home.
Karen has developed and conducted numerous parenting classes and support workshops specific to parents of teens. Karen has also created and presented training for professional staff including teachers, therapists and counselors who work with adolescents in Massachusetts, Connecticut and in New York City.
In her work, Karen partners with parents who are experiencing difficulties in connecting with their teenage children and who are struggling to manage social, emotional or behavioral issues which arise during the teenage years.
Disclaimer: All information on this site is provided for informational purposes only! By no means is any
information presented herein intended to substitute for the advice provided to you by any health care or other professional
or organization.
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