The damage caused by an affair is obvious. How can a person who has proven him / herself capable of sneaking around and being intimate with a third party ever be trusted again? It may not be possible, but if you and your spouse are at all interested in continuing your marriage, there are things you will have to do that won't be easy.
1. If you are the one who had the affair, you will have to come clean. I don't mean that you have to admit you dallied, you both already know that. I mean come clean. You have to answer all of the questions your spouse has about the other person, your reasons for doing it, and why your spouse can trust you not to do it again. Maybe your spouse won't ask you a lot. Some people aren't that curious. However, if he / she does want information, you should provide it. After all, you have invaded the privacy of your marriage by introducing a third person into the mix. You have given good reason for your spouse not to trust you, and he / she has a right to make you show your trustworthiness by assuring him / herself that you are now being honest.
2. You will have to let your spouse monitor your movements until he /she can trust you to be where you're supposed to be. Remember the times you worked late? You'd better be at the office when he / she calls or stops in for a surprise visit. Remember when you said you were going to step out to buy a pack of gum and didn't come back for four hours? Your spouse may insist on coming with you the next time you have a Juicy Fruit attack. It will be awhile before he / she can trust you to be back from your errands when you say you will, or at least within the time it usually takes to do what you said you were going to do.
3. Your cell phone, computer and credit card receipts won't be private anymore. You won't enjoy being treated like a child, but you acted like one when you lied to your spouse by including a stranger in your intimate life. Now, he / she will need to satisfy him / herself that you can be trusted again. Hiding things and acting secretive won't help you regain that trust.
If you are the injured party, reconciliation may be even harder to bring about. Before you decide to try it, there are some things you should consider:
4. Can you ever let go of your spouse's indiscretion? Will you ever be able to look him / her in the eye and say "I trust you"? Eventually, he / she will have to go to work, the doctor's office or the grocery store without you. Will you agonize about his / her whereabouts every time he / she is out of your sight?
5. Who knows about the affair? Who told you it was happening? If you found out from a friend or family member, are you willing to face his / her curiosity and possible judgment? You can blithely say "it's none of his / her business", but the fact is this person is a member of your community, and you will probably have to deal with him / her again. Will you resent your partner every time you have to face a friend or relative who knows about the affair? It is, after all, embarrassing to deal with people who know your shame, especially when you risk letting it happen again.
6. Finally, can you really forgive and forget? No one is perfect, and even if your spouse never cheats again, he / she will do things you don't like. This is a fact of life. He / she will make you angry about something down the line. Human beings rarely are so in tune with each other that they never have conflicts, and you and your spouse are no exception. So, when he drinks too much, or she uses the credit card too freely, will you be able to focus on your real grievance, or will every mistake lead back to the affair? "I'll bet you didn't drink too much and embarrass her in front of her whole family". "Maybe he could afford your extravagances, but I'm not made of money."
Infidelity is probably the one thing that is hardest to forgive in a committed relationship. The one who is betrayed not only feels angry and disappointed, but foolish for trusting in the first place. The one who does the cheating feels guilty, and stupid, if for no other reason than that he / she was caught red handed. Even if the couple love each other and want their marriage to work out, they will have to face some serious emotional barriers. It will take patience and care to repair the relationship. There will be times when you'll question your willingness to endure the pain reconciling will entail. However, if you and your spouse are willing to do the heavy lifting, you may find that your marriage is stronger and better in the end.
Copyright (c) 2009 Lucille Uttermohlen
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For more on relationships and family law issues, visit Lucille at http://www.couple-or-not.com If you have a question, or just need to vent, Lucille would love to hear from you at Lucille@couple-or-not.com or Lucille@Utter-Law.com.
when trust is destroyed,like this,in a marriage,it takes a very long time to reestablish it,again; sexual betrayal hurts worse than broken bones,Marriages do indeed recover and go on but theres truth in:"zebras dont change their stripes",Whatever caused the sexual escapade is often still afoot, as the social dynamics of marital betrayal,I strongly believe is a two headed inherent syndrome coin;something caused it and it will surface again,eventually,sadly enough.
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