My mother was a martyr. I think that's the correct word for it. She was always putting herself out for others and complaining of it. It irked her when her sacrifices went unnoticed. She would let it sit and stew and boil until it built up so much pressure that it would explode. We would all be aghast and upset when she started breaking dishes on the concrete floor of the garage or charged out of the house and up the street. We didn't know how to cope with this otherwise sensible and easy-going woman who was vehemently certain that no one appreciated her. We didn't understand.
She gave and gave and gave and gave herself all away. She had nothing left but the opinions and praise of others. Look what I've done for you and see how little I get in return.
My mother was not a bad person, she was actually a very good person by most standards and I loved her dearly, more than words can express. She took good care of my sister and me and did her best in all ways. She was just confused about sacrifice and its reward.
In my opinion, sacrifice should never be rewarded. I think sacrifice is a dirty word. But that could just be because I saw what it did to my mother. It's made a mess of other friends' lives as well not all of them female, though I do think we have something close to a monopoly on sacrifice.
Some people might think this is right or the way it should be; that we always put the needs of others before our own needs, that we take care of others before taking care of ourselves. And in some situations this might be warranted, but consider that when an aircraft depressurizes you are instructed to put the oxygen mask on yourself first. So I ask you this, how well able will you be to take care of others if you are run down, burned out and in need of significant care yourself or low on oxygen as in the aircraft example? How much fun are you to be around when you've neglected your own needs for so long that you are finally at the end of you tolerance?
Why sacrifice yourself at all? Was it absolutely necessary for my mother to put her needs and wants and desires on the back burner for the sake of her family? I have to think that it wasn't. I think she got something, some kind of mental pat on the back out of being able to say to herself, "See what a good person I am, I put others ahead of myself always."
Human beings are complex animals. You can't point to any one thing as the cause of trouble in a human's life. It's a mix of this, a bit of that, with a lot of confusion tossed in just to keep it interesting. I don't know about others and their sacrifice, but I think my mother found little else in her life to feel good about. I think she was seriously lacking in self-esteem and I think that many people's ills can be traced to this.
If you are going to sacrifice yourself, you should do so with the knowledge of what you are doing, what it will cost you, and not expect any sort of recompense for the deed. The doing of it should be the reward. It should be because a thing needs doing and there is no other way or anyone else to do it.
But ultimately, I think there has to be a semi-balance between sacrifice and selfishness (selfishness is not a dirty word), leaning more in your favor toward selfishness. If you put yourself out for every little thing, pretty soon you've put yourself out so much and so often that you have nothing left to give. Sacrifice is noble when done well, so go ahead and do it. Just be certain to balance it with a hefty dose of selfishness as well.
Dianne Lehmann is a jewelry designer who has been in business since January of 2000. Her interest in designing and manufacturing jewelry goes back beyond that to 1994. It took her many years of trying various creative outlets to finally figure out that making jewelry is where she could really shine. Dianne began with simply stringing beads onto cable and has progressed from there. She is now an accomplished lapidary (cuts and polishes stones) and silversmith. Dianne and her husband, Bernd, live in northern Arizona and both love to hike. Dianne can not help but pick up rocks (they are her first love) and some of these find their way into her jewelry. Dianne makes one-of-a-kind pieces that she hopes give people as much joy to view as she gets from the making of them.If you like, you may view her work at http://www.syzygyjewelry.com
this was an excellent article, nostalgia and truth!
you are a versatile writer-you write about all kinds of things, and that's really good.
i can tell you this, i understand every word you said, i've been guilty of it myself for years, until i learned in the the 12 step program, when i got my first year coin: To thine own self be true.
i didn't understand it at first, coming from the same place you were talking about-woudn't that make me selfish?
but, i was taught that if you don't take care of yourself, nobody will, and you need to focus on your needs, whether it's an afternoon nap, or a glass of wine-sike, i miss a glass of wine, but it doesn't miss me.
a walk in the woods, a ride on a bike, drawing on canvas-whatever makes your juices flow, you are responsible to do. for yourself, and for others. taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do for anybody, and allows you to help others when they are in need.
"taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do for anybody, ... "
When I first came to that realization, I thought it was so selfish. But then I realized the truth of it. Doesn't mean I've always done a good job of taking care of myself. But as I've gotten older, I've learned just how really important it is and am doing a much better job.
Not only do you have to take care of yourself, you are the one who ultimately knows how to do it best. Although, if you've read Camille Strate's latest article, it's clear that not everyone knows what they really need and try to get others to take care of them instead.
Thank you, Sue, for your thoughts and for taking the time to share them with me.
Be well, be happy and let the light shine from within,
I think as women and mothers, the needs of our family and friends are always at the top of our priority list. It's our nature. But you're right when you say we have to take care of ourselves in order to take care of others. I also agree that if you choose to make sacrafices, you do so because you want to, and not for the praise it brings you. There's nothing worse than having someone do something for you only to have them remind you over and over about it. I think your mother had good intentions, but was overwhelmed and probably had some self-esteem issues as you suggest. This was very well written Dianne. I appreciate what it took for you to share something so personal with us.
Obviously, there are articles that are easy to write and submit. This was easy to write (seemed to write itself), but not so easy to submit ... you are correct ... it is very personal.
Thank you for your thoughts and thanks for reading.
We have something in common in this, a mother with a martyr complex. On the converse, while my own mother has a need to be recognized, even to the exclusion of other people, I can't remember her ever recognizing my own accomplishments. She will still talk about an event or thing from the past that I did or possessed, and attribute it to one of my brothers, leaving me entirely out of the picture. I am persona non grata, and so I've had to move on with my own life without her. I've grown up believing that to rely on our parents for social reinforcers is a vain exercise, so I look instead to my peers where such reinforcement is abundant.
On the other hand, I've always been fascinated by people who grew up where moral and emotional support was as natural as a walk in the park, and focused a good deal on that aspect in my interviews with young artists and performers, to find out if their success was a product of their parents' support. Usually, the answer was yes, but not always.
I learned about a syndrome that may or may not apply, called narcissistic personality disorder, where the individual has a need for exclusive attention, and doesn't acknowledge when other egos are involved. This might seem contradictory if the person is seen as self-sacrificing. But, just as you said, if the intent of the sacrifice isn't to give, but instead to receive attention, especially pity, then it's not authentic benevolence at play, but something more pathological.
Very well put. But I don't honestly think that my mom had NPD. She gave credit where credit was due, she just needed a lot of praise to feel good.
It's a sad thing to read that you had so little recognition from your mother. But it sounds like you have developed your own resourcefulness. So maybe in a way, she did give you something of value.
There were many things my parents taught to me; not the least important of which was how not to live my life. I'm grateful for all of it.
Thank you, Gregory, for reading my article and adding your thoughts to it.
OUTSTANDING piece, Dianne. Agreed...on all counts. Especially "selfish is not a dirty word". I've found that 'sacrifice' is anything but when we do things for others because we WANT to, as opposed to keeping score and waiting for our 'just reward'. Why bother?
That whole keeping score thing makes me hot under the collar. When I do something for someone, it is because I want to, not because I expect anything in return. Aargh! But that doesn't mean that I didn't live it a bit at one time. We live and learn.
One should do the right thing because it is the right thing to do. When you "sacrifice" expecting something in return, even if it's just an "attaboy," then it is a transaction and not a sacrifice.
Hi Dianne, good points. I think it all comes down to motive behind why we do what we do for others. If if comes from the need for acceptance and to make ourselves feel good, then we will be left disappointed. Sacrifice is just that, by its own definition it should require nothing in return, it is an offering for the sake of another motivated by love. I think you are right about your mom - a good woman for sure, but her insecurities got the best of her. I think this is the root of all do for others for the sake of being praised. Great write with much heart. Thanks! Teresa
I'd have to agree that it's all in the motive. And as for personal insecurities ... I don't even want to go there. I think they're the bane of us all ... as you wrote.
Thanks for reading this and commenting. I hope that everything is well with you and your family!
This is great and I agree with you wholeheartedly. Hanging on a wall in front of me is an affirmation that reads: "I put my attention on the quality of my personal health. I build upon my greatest wealth by doing so."
I am not at it 100 per cent but so much better than I used to be. This article will help me even more. Thank you for it!
» left by Rox Runner from Mystic, CT (17 hours 18 minutes ago.) New Comment!
Unfortunately, the term sacrifice "to make holy" is a transactional process. It's what it means in religious, culturaly, social and political jargon for at least 4000 years. What you are talking about is "victimizing" and that's not sacrifice, though it's very frequently one of the steps involved in sacrifice. A sacrifice is an understood contract between party A (who will offer something) to party B (who will accept the sacrifice or break the contract and walk away: as is shown when God wouldn't accept Cain's sacrifice in Genesis). A gives soemthing they value to B SO THAT they will receive something they value more in return. For ancient pagans, it was done so the gods wouldn't kill them, today, we sacrifice an out in baseball to advanc ea runner, we might sacrifice candy for lent if we're Catholic...it's always a transaction, and there is always something expected in return...but NEVER in victimization: that's when party A offers party C in sacrifice to party B: party C has been victimized (generally unwillingly, too)
Thanks for the Biblical clarification. But, in my opinion, religious sorts (of which my mom was one) and baseball teams do not have a lock on sacrifice. Mom valued the praise very highly. That was the problem.
I do thank you for reading and for taking the time to add your comment. And I do understand your point about victimization. People are perfectly capable of making victims of themselves (no third party involvement required) and do so quite frequently. Behavioral psychology talks about this aberration in depth.
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