They say Christopher
Columbus discovered America (Just a few thousand years after
the native Americans were born there.) - while he was seeking a
shorter trade route. Well, being the busy body I am, I did some research on this story, and I must admit, some of the information and details I unexpectedly uncovered shocked me
in many ways. And because of this new found knowledge, my insights into the man and legend have compelled me to pass on the REAL story of his epic voyage to my fellow writers for the benefit of our better understanding of the man and his events - while we also celebrate his great "discovery(?)." You'll be happy to know all of my info is authentic, and comes directly from the internet and National Inquirer.
Here is how I now view what might have in fact really happened:
Christopher Columbus was born at Genoa Salami, a seaport
of Italy, more than four hundred and fifty years ago. He wanted to
become a computer technician, but because there wasn't a need for one
at the time, he became a sailor instead.
As Columbus grew to manhood he went to the port of Lisbon.
I learned that Columbus earned his living partly by drawing maps, and
partly by selling drugs. The maps which Columbus made and
sold were very different from those we now have, and so were the
drugs. To my chagrin I heard the
drugs were much better back then. I'll tell ya. I have no luck!
Anyway, during that time not half of the world had been
discovered, which leads me to think the other half may have been.
Continents like Europe, Africa, Asia, India , and parts of one other continent, Ireland, were the chief areas known then.
Especially Africa, although I learned
it had too many Chiefs and not enough Indians. I don't know about the rest of ya, but I think it would be
pretty hard to run a country like that no?
It's written that while living in Lisbon,
Columbus made up his mind to try to do what no other man at that time
dared attempt, which was to cross the Atlantic Ocean to buy and
sell drugs, and to befriend a man named Manuel Noriega whom he had a dream about but never found or met. He
thought that, by doing so, he could sell directly to Asia and the
Indies, and be the eventual "Kingpin." If successful, Chris could
open up a very profitable drug trade with the rich countries of the
East.
However, Columbus was too poor to fit out even a single ship to
undertake such a voyage as he had planned, so he asked the king of
Portugal to furnish some money or vessels toward it. After
the King was done laughing and Columbus had received no encouragement -
he left for Spain. Chris learned
later the Portuguese King didn't do those kinda drugs. He only did
mescalin.
Undeterred, Columbus went to a
Spanish convent and told the convent guardian there of his plans, and
because the guardian liked illegal substances he listened with great
interest. The guardian handed Chris a letter to give to a friend,
whom he believed, would help him lay his plans before Ferdinand
and Isabella - the King and Queen of Spain. It was common
knowledge among the Spaniards that their King and Queen were both
druggies, allowing Chris the highest of hopes.
However, after confronting them, Columbus was kept waiting for
seven years by Queen Isabella; mainly because he was having
sex with her (And it's to my understanding she thought he was pretty
hot!). Hey, good for him!
But time passed and Columbus came to realize that sex wasn't
everything, so he became very restless and wanted to sail (Note:
Chris was doing a lot of cocaine at the time, so researchers believe that may have
contributed to his restlessness also.).
Feeling he had waited long enough, Columbus pleaded to the Queen
one last time for financial support, and although she wanted him to
stay, she eventually gave in and funded his voyage.
A month had passed when he was finally ready to leave Spain. On
his day of departure it is attested by many that Queen Isabella ran
to to be with him, but when she paced up the ramp in her dress, and
made a dash for the ship's deck - she missed and landed in the water.
Unable to hear her cries, Chris learned of the incident some time
later, and came to realize the enormous passion the Queen must have felt for him. He
was deeply moved and thought momentarily of turning around, but because of his addiction, he stayed strong and moved forward toward
his quest.
Weeks earlier the Queen had hooked Chris up with two rich
sea captains who were also cocaine and heroin addicts .
They decided and agreed to take part in the voyage, so with their
compliance and the financial assistance Columbus got from the Queen -
he was able to fit out three vessels.
Early on Friday morning, August 3, 1492, Columbus started
from Palos in an attempt to cross the ocean - which men at that time called the
Sea of Darkness; a name which showed how little they
knew of it, and how much they dreaded it. Not
to mention it probably didn't have any lights neither.
Anyway, Columbus sailed first for the Canary Islands
because from there he figured it would be a straight line across to
Japan and Asia . Those
who were there say he also wanted to buy some canaries for his
young son.
When the vessels got far out on the ocean, and the sailors could
no longer see any of the islands, they were overcome with fear. They
all got to thinking they may never get back to Palos again. For more
than thirty days the three ships kept on their way toward the west.
The crew whispered among themselves that Columbus had gone mad, and
that if they continued on with him in command they would all perish.
But that evening Columbus pulled out a bag of cocaine and begged
his crew to keep a sharp lookout - he also promised a couple of
joints to the one who should first see land. All got with
excitement, and no man closed his eyes in sleep that night.
Columbus had given the order to furl sails that night, so the
three vessels came to a stop and waited for the dawn. When the sun
rose the following morning Friday, October 12, 1492, Columbus
saw a beautiful island with many trees growing on it. That
was his first sight of the New World, and only the second time he saw
the new trees.
Attended by the captains of the other two vessels, Columbus set
out in a boat for the island. When they landed, they all fell to
their knees, kissed the ground for joy, and gave thanks to God.
After Columbus wiped his lips clean, he named the island San
Salvador and took possession of it - by right
of discovery for the King and Queen of Spain. Especially the
Queen.
However, just when he got done naming it, Columbus found that it
was inhabited by a copper-colored people who spoke a
language he could not understand. Columbus became very depressed at the
thought of his new illiteracy, but after 15 minutes or so he did
another line of coke and within little time he felt much better.
Oddly, the copper-colored people wore no clothing. Chris
wanted to, but couldn't arrest them for indecent exposure because there were
no laws yet forbidding it. Also, because of budget restraints,
Columbus was short on police officers. Even more curious was the way
the natives painted their bodies with bright colors. Since painting
your body WAS against Spanish law, Columbus happily fined them. He
made them pay in gold, which was abundant and visible in their
jewelry.
After staying there a short time Columbus set sail toward the
south in search of more land, and he also hoped to learn where these
people got their gold. In my
opinion he should have just asked them. I think it would have been much easier and made more sense, but I wasn't there to suggest it. I'm pretty sure I was busy that day.
Next, he landed at the island of San Domingo . Here his ship
was wrecked , just as he and his crew were. Wisely, Chris took
the timber of the wreck and built a fort on the shore; leaving about
forty of his crew in this fort. The next day Columbus set sail for
Palos in one of the two
remaining vessels.
When the vessel of Columbus was seen entering the harbor of
Palos, the whole village was wild with excitement. More than seven
months had gone by since he sailed away from that port, and as
nothing had been heard from him or his crew, many supposed that the
vessel was lost. They also were thrilled to see Chris because they
were out of drugs, and they hoped he had some.
The bells of the churches rang a merry welcome; the people
thronged the streets, shouting to each other that Columbus, the great
navigator, had crossed the Sea of Darkness and had returned in
safety. But when they found out he was out of coke and heroin, they
all retreated back home. There was indeed a drought.
The King and Queen were in the city of Barcelona at
the time, a long distance from Palos, but when Chris
heard this information - he went immediately to see his beloved
Queen. Unable to find a horse, Columbus entered Barcelona on
piggyback. It wasn't a actual pig. He rode on the back of one of the native
Americans he brought back with him.
He was attended by the proudest and richest noblemen of Spain,
some of who no one knew.
Chris also brought with him eleven Indians from the West Indies .
They were gaily painted and wore bright feathers in their hair.
Along the way children sang a song they had written in their praise
entitled, The Ten Little Indians. Kids in those days only counted to ten. Immediately behind Columbus
were a number of men who followed. They were carrying rare birds,
plants, and gold and silver ornaments - all found in the New World.
There were many presents given to the King and Queen, some of
which came from Columbus himself. Chris gave the King a two year
membership to a local star-gazing club. A blatant gesture of mocking since the King was legally blind. For the Queen, Chris
submitted to her tight clothing meant to encourage her to diet. Chris also
offered to her such practical gifts as an iron, a dish washer, and a
vacuum cleaner. It was obvious to everyone but the King, that Chris loved
the Queen and had intentions of marrying her. The King never saw any of this
courtship that was taking place right before his dead eyes.
Ferdinand and Isabella received Columbus with great honor. When
Columbus had told them the story of his wonderful voyage, the King
and Queen sank on their knees and gave praise to God; and all who were
present followed their example because if they hadn't, they would have
been killed on site. Praise God!
Sometime after, Columbus made three more voyages across the
Atlantic. He discovered more islands near the coast of America, and
thus began his drug-dealing emporium. He touched the coast of
Central America and then of South America, but that was all. He
never set foot on any part of what is now the mainland of the United
States, yet he still made a fortune from there. Right up until his
death Columbus thought that the land he had reached was part of Asia,
but he was wrong. It is documented
that it indeed was something else at the time.
Historians are still perplexed as to how it was that Christopher
Columbus found a new world occupied by people who had been living
there for thousands of years before, yet not one of the natives
thought to set out and discover their own country. It's baffling to
even the most educated and people like me. Most scholars have come to the conclusion
the natives may have had faulty maps. I
believe they may have had a defective GPS machine, but that's just my
opinion.
Sadly, the last days of this great man and addict, Christopher
Columbus, were very sorrowful. The king was disappointed when he
learned Chris slept with his Queen and brought back no gold. It's
been written before that when the King learned of his
wife's affair with the sailor, he didn't mind THAT so much,
but he could not bear the thought of not having any gold to make his
own jewelry with ( The King moonlighted as a jewelry-maker when he
had some spare time). The King was very disappointed in Chris; thus
he seized Chris' drug fortune from him. From there Columbus roamed
about to differing countries, while he was strung-out daily. Eventually
he settled upon San Domingo.
It was unbeknown to Chris when he arrived that
the Spanish governor of San
Domingo hated him, and soon after he landed at that island, he
was arrested and sent back to Spain in chains.
When Chris arrived in Spain, he was at once set to liberty, but he
could not forget the governor's insult. He kept the chains hanging on the wall
of his room, and asked to have them buried with him. No
wonder why he couldn't forget the incident.
As Columbus aged; his health broke; he was poor, in debt, and
without a home, thus he decided to live in a local rehab community with
free methadone. While there he wrote to the King saying,
I have not a hair upon me that is not gray, my body is weak,
and all that was left to me has been taken away and sold - even the
coat which I wore.
When the King received Chris'
email, he read it and replied back, Well that's what
happens when you get mixed up in drugs, return without gold, screw the King's wife and
your not the King - fry you bast*rd! Ha! Ha!
Not long after, Chris learned that the Queen had died. Columbus was
distraught and felt he had lost his best friend and sex partner.
He gave up all hope, and threw out his bottle of viagra and said,
"I have done all that I could do; I leave the rest to God." Just then he fell dead! God
can be funny like that sometimes.
Yes, Columbus died full of disappointment and sorrow, but perhaps,
as some believe, it would not be too much to say that he died of a
broken heart. Personally,
I'd bet anything he died from an overdose, but like I said before, I wasn't there. I may have been busy!
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