I have seen a lot of books and articles that have been written about grief and many of them use a phrase I am a little uncomfortable with, "living
through grief". Now, I totally appreciate the message being conveyed but the word through' suggests there is a definitive end to the process of grieving. A re-emerging on the other side, a washing away of feelings that are of the utmost depth.
Does life
ever return to some semblance of normality again after the loss of a loved one? In many (perhaps even most) cases, certainly, but to suggest grieving reaches an "end game" whereby we move on and put it all behind us, forever, I suggest is a fallacy.
Of course, for some, bereavement and tragedy visits with a frequency that seems a little beyond the call of duty, but call it does. I knew a lady who before she reached old age and illness lost two husbands, several siblings and her only son. There are masses around the world that have endured and are enduring even greater losses.
It is almost certain that the majority of us will have an encounter with grief at some point and the heartbreaking symptoms and emotions of being left behind are varied and unpredictable. There are however, strands of familiarity that many of us can identify with, aside from a general sadness and loss. Following are just a few of them.
Shock It is not restricted to those that have lost someone suddenly or dramatically and there is no time limit for how long shock can be felt. For a loved one that may have been at your side for years to be no longer there, leaving a space that simply cannot be filled.
Numbness Physically and emotionally numb and a strange sense of distorted reality that seems difficult to shake off and emptiness is closely related to this overwhelming numbing feeling. "Why are the birds singing happily this morning? Why can't they show some respect? Don't they know what's happened?"
Despair Even those with great faith can experience the darkness and fear that arrives with despair. Sleep, when found (that's a completely different article), is often a great refuge and can be craved for those fleeting moments when everything "feels ok" again before awakening to another dawn of reality.
Questions Why? What for? What's the point? How will I? How can I? How dare he/she? These questions are likely to be amongst many others that are asked through periods of anger, confusion, resentment and utter disbelief.
Loneliness While grieving as a group or a family and trying to show a united front, personally the pain can still feel totally isolating as each goes through a different emotion at a different time. Sometimes, loneliness can lead to selfishness as we look only inward at our own pain, overlooking the sadness of those around us.
Illness Living with grief can take its toll physically and mentally, often resulting in forms of depression, anxiety and stress. Unfortunately it often takes us a long time to recognise this and we may require the intervention of those around us to help.
Well meaning people often say, "It gets easier" or "time is a great healer" and other such, usually, badly timed pearls of wisdom. Let's not criticise them too much though, because they are probably spot on in many cases and are likely speaking from experience, but when you are living with
your grief and time
does seem to be standing still, normality is the last thing you can or want to imagine.
The pain of losing someone we love dearly, according to, well, a lot of people, never leaves completely. The days may become more bearable and life, at least on the surface is resumed but in remembrance the pain and devastation remain as sharp as ever.
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