All over the web, there are articles and ebooks about how to "get your ex back". The suggestions may be valid. There are ways to reconcile after a break-up. It may even be possible to trick your former lover into re-starting the relationship. But, before you start on your campaign, ask yourself why?
If you had a great relationship and he / she suddenly broke it off, chances are you were being deceived. He / she had some issue with you, or there wouldn't have been a reason to part. If it is another person, or a "need for more space", the excuse won't disappear just because you and he / she attempt to give your relationship a second chance. Your ex will still have a wandering eye or a need for "space".
Ask yourself what your relationship was really like. What was good about it? Was the relationship actually good, or were you always looking forward to a time when it might be. Did you enjoy talking to each other? Did you share the same goals and opinions? Do you really know what your ex thought, or do you just think you know?
Sometimes, people aren't honest about what they're thinking. They don't want to disagree, so they don't say anything. They go along to get along until they feel they can change the situation without investing a lot of thought and energy. They allow a relationship to continue until another one comes along so they don't have to spend any time alone. For these folks, unsatisfactory company is better than no company at all.
Other times, they want approval, and are afraid to say what they think. These folks feel that their opinions might meet with disagreement, and that someone else's opinion on the subject is a condemnation of their own views. These people won't tell you how they feel. They will listen to what you say, verbally agree, and head for the hills as soon as they can get away. This person will go along with you rather than tell you their own preferences. You had no idea that this person was harboring resentment, but suddenly the results of their inability to express themselves is entirely your fault.
Did you and she talk to each other about your real thoughts? Were there signs that the break-up was coming? Did he / she seem to be withholding something from you? Did he / she seem to have other things to do during those times you usually spent together? Is it your genuine feeling that a relationship that was healthy and fulfilling for both of you just ended, or are you feeling like a failure because you are no longer a couple?
Being "dumped" always hurts. However, it is important to realize that part of your pain may be the fact of being rejected, rather than a feeling of having true love suddenly withdrawn. Your ex may have done you a favor by ending your partnership and forcing you to re-evaluate your situation. You may be disappointed that things didn't work out with your ex, but maybe your partnership was more habit than genuine love. Let him / her go for awhile and than ask yourself how you're feeling. Is it your ex's personality and actions, or is it just the security of feeling desirable because you had someone? If you can look at your own feelings objectively, you may find that you are better off without your ex, and that your needs can better be met by another person. If you do that, you will be better able to make choices that will enhance your life, rather then settling for something that you're just used to having.
Copyright (c) 2009 Lucille Uttermohlen
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Dear Abby beware! Lucille Uttermohlen will not only answer your relationship questions, but will give you the legal reasons for her advice! Join her at http://www.couple-or-not.com or write to her at lucille@couple-or-not.com or lucille@utter-law.com
» left by Paul Schroeder from nyc (32 days 8 hours ago.)
whew;This is a heavy and painful subject, honestly well tackled.I can't imagine divorce attorneys or marriage counselors EVER getting married or seriously involved with a special someone after all the dysfunction and rancor between people that they've seen professionally.(No one would believe how long the lines are around the block to family court or the careful exams done by security by the metal detectors at the door.)There's always so much throwing up and heartbreak when a marriage or long term relationship hits the skids..After such a breakup,one hesitates to even think about starting over with someone else and enduring flirting and courtship ever again . A feeling of no trust in oneself or in another, ever again, pervades as there's been so much investment in time and emotion with the previous destroyed relationship.It's so sad that divorce statistics are 50% nationwide and about 75% in NYC.Thank you for a non sanguine and non pollyanna approach,as there are so many very goofy writers and worse than silly marriage counselors who insist on make-ups and reconciliations.It's like taking a sour smelling spoiled carton of milk out of the refrigerator ,smelling it and say ;"phew,let me put it back in the frig;maybe it'll smell better,tomorrow".
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