Having been a student of depression for most of my 54 years, life is a struggle. I call myself a "student," rather than a "sufferer," or "victim," simply because having survived up until now is an accomplishment in itself, which must mean that I am learning something as I go rather than simply swirling down the toilet of life. I have never written about this. It's shameful and I am afraid it shows weakness. But it's me, and perhaps writing about it will exorcise some demons.
I hate labeling myself as depressed, but it's a simple fact. I've tried everything to stop the self-destructive thoughts: numerous counselors and therapists, Judeo-Christian religion, Eastern philosophies, ignoring the symptoms until I had a gun in my hand, and anti-depressants. The anti-depressants worked wonders, initially, but after 20 years they have lost their efficacy and they merely keep me hanging onto life by its raggedy edges. Truth be told, I don't live my life because I want to; I stay alive because, having been a law enforcement officer for a significant part of my life, I know the horrific damage that suicide inflicts on its survivors, and I never can get over that hump of feeling responsible for the mental health of my daughters, ages 27 and 10. Friends and therapists say this is a good thing I wonder if it's just another sign of codependency
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer last May, I was actually happy (these are the thoughts of the truly mentally ill, I am loathe to admit). I was happy because I thought, "Finally, the choice has been taken away. I will die, and it won't have been my fault." It was like a free pass out of the rest of my life. But it was not to be. I had a bilateral mastectomy, every bit of breast tissue was removed, and since the lymph nodes were clear, there was no further treatment. Just my luck! I now am the owner of two reconstructed fake boobs/"foobs," without nipples at this time. For what it's worth, I am told I look fantasticin clothes, anyway. I am a survivor, and as such I was a team captain and leading fundraiser for Relay for Life this year.
Everyone admired me for having such a great positive attitude and being so "up," throughout the cancer ordeal, but no one knew the truth, i.e. I was happy because I thought I would finally leave life in a much more graceful manner than pills, a gunshot, or the old duct-tape-the-hose-over-the-exhaust-pipe-and-back-into-the-car window trick (best performed after parking your car in a remote place with an exceptionally beautiful view). And so, reluctantly I have gone on.
I do have days when I dream of adventure, when I dream of hope and possibilities. But truth be told, I have had many adventures and nothing stayed exciting for long. I have not let depression keep me from achieving things in life. I've been a U.S. National Parks Ranger, a Deputy Sheriff, a cowgirl on a cattle ranch, the supervisor of a forensics lab (long before anyone knew what a CSI was), the founder of a women's crisis center, and a peace activist. I have climbed mountains, sea kayaked, and ridden many horses. I have volunteered for many non-profit organizations, and continue to do so. Most people seem to think I'm fabulous. Everyone except me. And, honestly, if you asked me what would make me happy, I wouldn't know what to tell you, because I know from experience that there is nothing outside of myself that will make me happy, and I haven't found anything within that's made a difference either.
Those who do not understand depression have said, "Just get over it, for chrissakes!" It doesn't work that way when the issue is chemical, not a choice. Some who do understand say it's a matter of changing your mind, as in changing the way your brain works. I've tried that too, with little lasting success. So I guess I will just continue to survive from one day to the nextdoes this make me Debi Downer? Hopefully not, because out in public, away from the inner spotlight, I work to help others better their lives, and I seem to do some good. My life has purpose, apparently, to everyone but me. And maybe, in the end, I will find that that's OK, that this was enough, that happiness is overrated.
Hope you don't mind my sharing.
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Debi, I have suffered from depression and am on an anti-depressant. I am sorry that medication didn't help you. Maybe you could get another opinion or go to Mayo Clinic....I wrote an article about that...anyway, who am I to give advice? You are very courageous. Please do not give up. We love you and it is nothing to be ashamed of....keep writing and welcome to Searchwarp. Fran Larson
Fran - thanks for your comment. I will definitely be reading your article soon. Although I know I'm not alone, it's always nice to hear from someone who's been there too. Debi
Your last name suggests your hidden strength.I,too,suffered from profound bouts of debilitating depression twenty-five years ago and now see depression as more of a profound spiritual attack problem, than a biochemical or psychiatric one, an attack from the Dark Side, rather than self imposed.Since then I have learned learned and taught others an easy technique that lifted all blackness(see my article,this site,titled: ". Depression:Reaching Gods Light,within you,by Affirmations )I am glad that you shared your painful innermost thoughts and I am most proud of you for doing so.Paul Schroeder
Be brave and be strong. Your helping other better themselves will keep you going and give your life meaning and purpose. You are a survivor, I am, too for I have lived with a loved one who suffered clinical depression for years.
Thanks, Nenita. Living with someone who is clinically depressed is no cup of tea, that's for sure. It definitely takes a lot love and an enormous amount of commitment to hang in there with someone who is so down, so much. God bless you!
Thank you so much for sharing this, Debi. I can personally relate on many levels. Depression is something I've lived with most of my life too, and something that few people understand, but it does often help me to talk about it in an analytical way. I guess that means that I would qualify as a "student of depression" myself. I really like that term.
I would strongly suggest seeing an Integrative medicine doctors who uses "Functional Lab Testing" to discover the real causes of your health condition. Drugs only cover up the symptoms without solving the real problem.
One action step you could do on your own is take "tyrosine" that is found in 'health food stores'. Tyrosine is known for helping depression. But, I would still recommend lab testing. "If you are not testing, you are guessing!"
You do not need to suffer. There is help without taking drugs!!
I don't know anything that I can say that could be of value to you. I've had bad times in my life, but nothing beyond the norm, so I can't say "..been there,...done that.." But I can say that you sound like a beautiful person; someone that I would be proud to be. Even with your depression, you have done so much with your life; I find it amazing. God is surely looking out for you and has His own plans for you. I wish I could just reach into your heart and take away your pain and suffering. May God be with you. Keep up the good fight.
We are so grateful that you have come to SearchWarp to share a sad but beautiful life with us. We want to hear from you again, and again. Don't let us down.
A well written article Debi but indeed sad that one could be so bothered with depression. I surely wish you well and perhaps some readers input can be of help for you. I am glad that you were strong enough to be an achiever eventhough having such problems. I have never been bothered with it other than a simple downer over some misfortune now and then. But even those will give one some idea of what it would be like constantly. May God be with you.
Thank you all -- Joel, Sandra, Conner, Howard, Bruce, and Anon.,
I so appreciate all your input and suggestions, as well as your encouragement to keep writing. I promise I will write again, soon. But I may write about something different before going back to the subject of depression. Again, thanks for all your thoughts,
» left by Brianna Popsickle (6 days 19 hours ago.)
I think you would be surpised Debi to learn how many people you are with everyday who may be experiencing the same thoughts and feelings you are. It's like that feeling of being in a room surrounded by people, yet feeling totally alone. Others see you laughing, and smiling and making conversation but you know you aren't even there. You're alone in your thoughts and dying inside. You're ashamed because you know you have everything to live for and yet you can't top yourself from having suicidal thoughts. You are not alone and you do need to seek medical help, for yourself and for those you care about. The line "Most people seem to think I'm fabulous. Everyone except me," tells it all Debi. You need to get to a place where you see what everyone else sees, and that is 'you are fabulous'. Thanks for sharing such a personal story.
So true, Brianna. Depression is common, and treatable. If your leg was broken, would you go to a faith healer to get it fixed, or a doctor? Chronic, undifferentiated depression is an irregularity of the brain. You need not suffer, unless you like it that way.
Debi, I was very impressed with your writing about your long experience with depression. I see many similarities in my youngest son, who periodically goes into the depths of depression. He too, seems to know the answer in within himself, but has no clue as to how to find it without a "special someone" in his life. Whatever it takes, I feverently hope he, and you find the answer. Can't say that I've 'been there, done that', but I've certainly had an up close view of what you are experiencing through my son.
Thank you so very much for sharing your heart. Two of my very good friends have had a life long battle with depression - I do not know what I would do without either of them. They are both doing well right now (good meds, much walking, trusting the Lord etc.) This must have been a challenging article to write and I am so glad you did! Marijo (pronounced Mary Jo)
I would call myself an associate of depression, having dealt with it myself. You really should be proud of yourself. You have hit on the "magic cure," the fact that there is none. You get through depression one week or one day or one minute at a time. There are plenty of worlds that you have no conquered.
» left by Angelina from Texas (2 days 23 hours ago.)
Your writing is brutally honest and I appreciate it. I am there too but the pills keep me afloat and the love for my family keeps me alive. Learning has always helped me cope too.
i am about where you are now, except medications still help. no one knows what it's like to be clinically depressed unless they've experienced it. the rushing thoughts that wiggle into my brain and make me cry, the lethargy that keeps me from emptyng the dishwasher, and the desire to stay home in my comfy pajamas, and just write.
in the past 2 months, my son went into the air force, my daughter went into the army, and my youngest went to live with his dad in another state.
this, after a 28 month divorce, so, i know where you are coming from.
i am waiting for my partner to get done with the lawn so we can go to wal-mart. i'd rather walk on glass! but...it has to be done, and i'll do it.
some day, i just can't "do it" so i don't.
i try to balance things out so nothing is too bad or too good.
if you ever need to talk, my e mail is next to my name.
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