Stress in our relationships is something that we can no longer avoid. At one time we could keep it under control, but now that it is so difficult to make ends meet and to just plain survive, the stress can become unbearable.
Since we vent our anger on whomever is closest to us, our partners mostly get the heat. And since there are more and more things every day that go wonky - computers, cars, insurance turn downs, kids, mortgages, you name it, hardly a day goes by that anger doesn't flair up. And who is there to bear the brunt of it? Our loving partner.
We sign up for health insurance and pay the premiums, and when we have a problem, they don't pay. Who wouldn't become angry; it's not fair. But if they warned you ahead of time about all the probable reasons that they would turn you down, you would never buy the policy in the first place, and they know that. So they take your premiums until you get sick, and then cut you loose. It's a win-win situation for the insurance companies, with no one to stop them.
It has been reported that when a women recently complained to CIGNA that her daughter died because they refused to treat her, even though she had full coverage, an employee of CIGNA reportedly gave her the finger, reflecting. I believe, the health insurance industry‘s true opinion of their clients. And no one can reign in these companies; they are beyond control.
So it is no wonder that we become angry, and these are the kinds of things that negatively affect our relationships.
Stress boils down to one thing; wanting things to go our way. We expect everything to go along swimmingly, and when they don't, when we get blindsided - we get angry because anger is our acknowledgement that we have lost control.
Wanting things and wanting to control things are natural enough desires, the problem is; since our lives have become so complicated, it is a mathematical probability that something will go wrong almost every day. So that means we will be in a constant state of anger for the rest of our lives! - unless we can find a solution.
Assuming that we don't throw up our hands and move to a deserted island in the South Pacific (which has a set of its own problems), and assuming that we are not the type that can buy into a belief system and turn everything over to this or that savior (another set of unique problems for intelligent people who want to get to the bottom of their problems, not just psychologically gloss them over), and assuming that we cannot control the outside circumstances that slap us aside the head on a daily basis, how can we reduce our stress levels? Because if we don't reduce them, they will turn into anger, which eventually turns into guilt, and finally depression.
We need a suit of armor. No matter how many arrows are shot at us, if we are wearing our suit of armor, they would bounce off. So let's get a suit of armor.
A suit of armor is not expensive, actually it costs nothing at all, just a readjustment and an awareness of the way we think. Right now, we think that if we don't control things, there will be disaster, but really, disasters don't exist as an entity in themselves. They exist only when they are connected to something that is valuable to us.
If we wreck a rental car, it's not the same as wrecking our beloved sports car - who cares, it belongs to someone else. There is nothing quite as liberating as driving a company truck, they can be abused all day without a second thought, and we never have to change the oil!
But when it comes to something that we own, something that we are attached to, well, that's a different story. First we crave something, then after we obtain it and take ownership, we become attached. Then we begin clinging to it. Now we have set ourselves up for eventual anger, guilt and depression when whatever it is that we cling to is taken away, or even threatened to be taken away. So we do all kinds of things to protect our item of passion, including marrying it (with prenuptials!) or insuring it so that we are not disappointed if something happens.
Therefore, it boils down to either: not having anything, or not being attached to whatever we do have. Any other scenario insures stress.
Since we really can't get rid of what we have and what we hold dear, such as our relationships, careers, homes and vehicles, if we truly want to reduce our stress we must learn how to become unattached while continuing to live in relationship with all of these things.
How does one become unattached while continuing to take care of responsibilities and take care of relationships? It's easy. Just do everything you can, as well as you can, without worrying about the results.
Not only will this free up about 50% of the energy that you waste by worrying, but will improve your relationship because the stress factor will be reduced immensely. And it is not difficult to do. If you cannot do it by just reading this article, then you can do mental practices that will eventually enable you to become completely unattached to results while actually improving your performance in every way because of the lessening of stress and worry.
The easiest mental practice to do is to simply watch your breathing. This can be done at any time but is most effective early in the morning or just before retiring. This is not rocket science or religion - it is simply noticing you breath and then letting go of each breath as it comes and goes.
What is important is that you watch your breath, each and every breath, and not allow thoughts and worries to interfere. It's a practice. You can begin by paying attention to what kind of thoughts want to interfere with your noticing each and every in-breath and out-breath. Are they thoughts about the past - what happened today? Thoughts about the future - what you have to do tomorrow? Whatever they are, learn to let them go and just watch your breathing during the time that you are practicing.
You may find in the beginning that past and future thoughts are so compelling that you must stop watching your breath in order to solve something - think it out and come to a conclusion - for example; plan out your day tomorrow. But in time, you will be able to let each thought go as it comes up regardless of how important it seems, and handle it after practice. Then, after practicing and creating little gaps in your non-stop mental activity, which is like a mental R&R, you will have a little more creativity, wisdom and insight on your side to make whatever decisions are necessary. This is what eventually changes stress into acceptance.
This simple exercise of allowing each breath to come and go without
attaching to it, and learning to become unattached to your past and
future thoughts during practice, will in time make a change in the way
you attach to other things in life.
So good luck! This really works, but you are the one that must make it work; it doesn't happen by itself.
anagarika eddie is a meditation teacher at the Dhammabucha Rocksprings Meditation Retreat Sanctuary (www.dhammarocksprings.org), and author of A Year to Enlightenment. His 30 years of meditation experience has taken him across four continents including two stopovers in Thailand where he practiced in the remote northeast forests as an ordained Thervada Buddhist monk.
I really liked your article. I recently went through a trying time..I had to do my duty as a family member, but also had to detach myself from the situation for my own health. The breathing exercise really works, too
What you said and explained in your article made so much sense. It takes a lot of discipline and practice to acquire this thought processes in my part. Thank you so much E. Raymond Rock. Best to you and yours, ~Nenita~
It sounds as if you are practicing! That's great. Hang in there, it takes time like anything else that is worthwhile. (It's actually in the suspension of thought processes where creativity abounds - all thought is dead, but that is difficult to know about.)
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