Getting back on a horse after my fall was easier than I expected it to be. Expectations have been at the root of most of my fears in the past and try as I have to banish them, they still persist.
We take certain things for granted. We think we know what will result. But many times these are just unfounded expectations engendered by our fears. When I use the word "fear" I mean, for the most part, the irrational ones; the things we feel but have no real basis for feeling.
My fear told me that I could not trust myself to stay on the horse. I mean, after all, I had fallen off ... painfully. My pain told me that if I fell again too soon, I would do myself some serious damage; more serious than I already had. My fear told me that I could not trust my horse. This is, I think, why it is so very important to get back on a horse as soon as possible after falling off of a horse. And it could be said that this is true of any misadventure whether it be falling on your bicycle, having a car accident or slipping in the shower. It doesn't matter that you've taken a thousand showers in that same stall, or driven that same route a hundred times without mishap, when fear gets a hold on you, reason flies out the window.
So to say that I was nervous would be an understatement. But I groomed him and cleaned his feet. The horse's owner saddled him because my side and left arm still hurt too much to lift the saddle onto his back. But I put the bridle on him and we walked him up to the round pen. We went inside and she steadied him as I, quite without giving it any thought, got up on the mounting block and put my foot in the stirrup. From there, reflex and training took over and in a moment I was sitting nearly five feet off of the ground. I looked at the owner and said, "Wow! Here I am." She was smiling and from there all went smoothly.
I had one small moment of anxiety when I moved him up from a slow walk to a working walk. The faster movement gave me a small feeling of panic, but the owner had me concentrate on my hands and my horse's head and before I knew it, I was feeling fine. I was even clucking him up to an even faster walk. We did not, however, trot. I thought that might be just a bit too much for my still somewhat battered body to cope with.
Fear does serve a purpose when it keeps us from doing something stupid. The first time you touch something really hot and it hurts like a son of a ... well you remember that pain and transfer that fear into other related areas. An expectation of pain if you were to put your hand into a fire is not unreasonable. But a fear that you will crash your car whenever you take it out on the road or that you will fall off of your horse every time you get on him is irrational and serves no purpose. And the best way to show yourself that you have nothing to fear is by doing the thing that frightens you.
Sometimes it is very hard to do that. To this day, I have an almost crippling fear of being graded and judged. I refer to it as "performance anxiety." I've learned to deal with it ... more or less ... but it is still there. Merely suggest to me that you'd like to hear me play the piano and my hands break out in a sweat and start to shake. None of which makes playing it any easier. Still, I maintain that the only way to get passed a fear is to confront it head on. With that thought, I will finish with a poem I wrote to commemorate my first time back on a horse after my fall.
Getting back on a horse after a fall Isn't always easy. Sometimes you are too banged up To do it immediately. Sometimes your horse has run off, Or both. Sometimes you hurt so badly, The idea is too frightening.
Do you trust yourself? Do you trust your horse? Will it hurt? Will you fall again, too soon And suffer even more damage?
Still, the sooner it is done The better. Until then, the fear will own you. The memory of the pain will limit you. Until you finally get back on You cannot, in mind or in body, Fully heal.
Dianne Lehmann is a jewelry designer who has been in business since January of 2000. Her interest in designing and manufacturing jewelry goes back beyond that to 1994. It took her many years of trying various creative outlets to finally figure out that making jewelry is where she could really shine. Dianne began with simply stringing beads onto cable and has progressed from there. She is now an accomplished lapidary (cuts and polishes stones) and silversmith. Dianne and her husband, Bernd, live in northern Arizona and both love to hike. Dianne can not help but pick up rocks (they are her first love) and some of these find their way into her jewelry. Dianne makes one-of-a-kind pieces that she hopes give people as much joy to view as she gets from the making of them.If you like, you may view her work at http://www.syzygyjewelry.com
"Fear does serve a purpose when it keeps us from doing something stupid." Amen. There is something to "healthy" fear, but unreasoning, anxiety-ridden fear should be avoided at all costs.
Thanks for bearing your soul, so to speak, in this piece --- and thanks for staying in the saddle as a writer, I appreciate your gift.
It is difficult sometimes to know the difference between the "right" kind of fear and the "wrong" kind. I still have not left the round pen with my horse. I feel anxiety when I consider going out into the little arena ... after all he could get up some real speed out there if he wanted to. I have a feeling that this fear is the "wrong" kind, but am having trouble moving past it. Only time will tell.
Thank you for reading and thanks for your comments.
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