How many times has someone said something harsh or inappropriate, and apologized, and you've said, "It doesn't matter?" It does matter. You have every right to be treated with the same respect as anyone else in the world does. If your feelings are hurt, it most certainly does matter. And denying yourself those feelings, only represses them and allows you to start a corner in your mind that stores all the situations, people, and circumstances that have hurt you.
They don't go away-you haven't dealt with them. They just linger and cause anxiety and anger and you wonder where these feelings are coming from. It did matter when your best friend talked behind your back, even though you told her it "didn't" matter. It did matter when you failed your driving test. You told everybody it didn't matter, but you were embarrassed, angry, sad, and depressed. You couldn't deal with these emotions because you had already told everyone, "it didn't matter."
So, what do we say when someone wants to know how we are? "It doesn't matter?" I say "we" because that's how I write. Whomever decides to read this hopefully understands that I'm not singly anyone out. And I certainly am not a therapist or doctor, but I have gone through everything I write about, and have discovered ways to help myself that I'd like to share. Maybe someone else can incorporate some of the things I write into their lives.
Through reading, I learn how to live a stronger, and calmer life. The book, "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die" by Karol K. Truman, helped me immensely. Every feeling is described and listed, and the parts of the body each emotion affects is explained. All those "it doesn't matters" are feelings buried alive, and they show themselves through anger, depression, frustration, impatience, etc. I would suggest dropping that line from your vocabulary at once.
If you have a choice of restaurants to go to with your spouse, instead of saying it doesn't matter, tell it like it is-I'd like to go to the seafood shack. You will feel better immediately. You have validated yourself as someone who is important enough to make a decision. Look, sometimes things really don't matter, but I think you know what I am talking about-people who do not have the confidence to make a decision on their own.
If you are asked, it does matter what movie you really want to see, or whether you want to go out to eat or stay in. Your spouse asks you if you'd like to go the Tahiti shack or Red Lobster? You say the Tahiti shack. He agrees, you go, and you really enjoy yourself. Something that wouldn't happen at the Red Lobster that night. You might have ended up there instead if you had simply said, "it doesn't matter." Now, you really want to see a certain movie, and again, you are asked which one you'd like to see and you pick the one you want.
Your spouse agrees again, and you love the movie, and have a great night out. You know you wouldn't have enjoyed the other movie. You feel really good. You stood up for what you wanted, you felt validated, and important enough to have been asked to begin with. These are all good feelings to have. They affect our daily lives. They bring energy into our soul. They keep our relationships real. They keep ourselves real. And validated. We do matter.
Instead of saying, "it doesn't matter" if somebody steps on our toe and apologizes, we need to take the validation of the apology and say something like, "I'm okay." It's not a lie. It may hurt like Hell, but you're okay.
"Which movie would you like to see?"
"do you have any suggestions?"
"one is a musical and one a drama."
"do you mind if we go to the musical, I feel like a musical?"
"no, I wanted to go there, too."
It may not matter to some whether they are respected or not, but when somebody asks me a question, I think about it and answer it honestly. We all matter. We all like to feel respected and cared about. We all like to be talked to in a nice even tone. We all have our view point, and we all like that viewpoint to be able to be expressed. When a drink spills on the floor, it doesn't matter. It can be cleaned up. When a waitress spills hot coffee on you, "it doesn't matter" shouldn't apply. It does matter. Simply accept their apology, and say you're okay. You're validated, the waitress did what she was supposed to do, and life moves on. If it doesn't matter, say it whenever you want, but when it does matter, keep yourself balanced and free of baggage.
Good article Sue. When I first began meditating, 1978, in a Zen Monastery in N. Calif (Shasta Abbey) I was always puzzled when the Zen master, who was a woman, Roshi Kennett (deceased), used to say, "Nothing matters."
It took years for me to come to realization regarding that. It's certainly not conventional wisdom!
Good article Susan with some very good points, what I don't like about people who say "it don't matter" it's when they are talking about whats going on in the world. The condition of the world does matter to me a great deal.
Excellent article. I am so guilty of saying "it doesn't matter." I am going to try and get my feelings out there more often...I like reading your articles. I can usually identify with what you are saying.
there are words that can describe how we feel without
demeaning ourselves, such as in "It doesn't matter."
if you lend someone something, and they keep it for longer than they say, and you need it in the meantime, and they finally return it, apologizing for having it so long, it certainly does matter, and to say it doesn't is not only false, but can cause hard feelings.
Great article! I think many of us have had this happen and you are right this does matter. I can remember myself having this happen. Just not to hurt someone else you just say it doesn't matter. I would like to read this book.
» left by Brianna Popsickle (7 days 23 hours ago.)
I agree Susan. People's feelings do matter, so do mine. I get accused of being too sensitive sometimes, but I treat people the way I would like to be treated and hope in doing so I am being 'sensitive' to their feelings. Good advice.
feelings certainly do matter. and when they are hurt, everything is hurt-our mind, our body, and our soul. i think we all should be a little (a LOT!) kinder to each other.
Really good thoughts, Susan. Another thing to be able to do instead of saying "it doesn't matter" would be to acknowledge the hurt, say and mean "I forgive you." Just an additional thought. Marijo
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