Families tend to take each other for granted. In too many situations, parents, children and siblings say things to each other that might earn them a punch in the nose from a stranger. In most families, rude or inappropriate comments may not result in a bloody nose, but the verbal dispute that ensues can be damaging to the family, and embarrassing and sometimes entertaining, to the neighbors.
The saddest thing about the way families interact is that they genuinely love each other, and want only the best. They worry about the health of their members, and want them to do the things that will keep them well and happy. The disagreements arise because the member who thinks he / she is addressing questions of welfare comes across as a nosey, presumptuous twit. The one who resists advice given with the admonishment "I only want what's best for you" or "I love you enough to tell you the truth" is considered stubborn or stupid.
The fact is that both sides have a point. The person receiving unwanted advice is probably engaging in worrisome behavior. But, the person dispensing words of wisdom is usually exceeding the boundaries of what most people consider his / her "own business". Fortunately, there are ways to express one's concerns without being too intrusive. Here are some tips to consider:
1. Are you telling your family member something he / she doesn't already know? Most of us are aware of our weight, consumption of alcohol or smoking addictions. Having someone point these things out is not the least bit helpful. In fact, the advice giver can make matters worse by putting the person they think they are helping on the defensive. Expressing concerns about someone's health or habits can be done in a kind and loving manner.
The first thing not to do is accuse. "You obviously don't care what I think", or "don't say I didn't warn you if ... happens" comes across as arrogant. What the listener hears is a declaration that "I know what's best, and what you think is irrelevant." A person who places him / herself on such a pedestal is bound to attract attempts to bring them back down to the ground with the rest of us.
2. Does the behavior have any direct effect on you? Is someone else's eating habits leaving you hungry? Is someone smoking in the house effecting your allergies? Does the family member cause problems when he / she drinks, like starting fights, or engaging in risky behavior?
You have good reason to object to actions that cause you harm or discomfort. However, before you plow ahead, think of how and when you are doing it. Don't start in on a person who eats too much just when he / she opens a bag of Doritos. Don't start harping when he / she pops open a beer or pulls his / her lighter out. Pick a time when he / she is not engaged in the objectionable behavior to discuss it. Start by saying something like "I need to talk to you. Is this a good time?" If the behavior doesn't have anything to do with you, consider keeping your opinions to yourself.
4. Don't announce your grievances when there are other people around. Again, if you are trying to get another person to change their behavior, you aren't going to succeed if you embarrass them or make them feel foolish in front of others. Wait until you have privacy to start the conversation. It may be tempting to say your piece when you feel you have others to back you up, but all that will do is make the subject of your displeasure feel like his / her dignity is being assaulted. He / she is likely to dig his / her heels in, as most of us do when we feel attacked.
5. The discussion you want to have is not a matter for committee. If you can't make yourself clear on your own, having witnesses probably won't help. No one wants to feel like their life is the subject of others' conversations. No one will take kindly to the feeling that they have been the subject of a vote that occurred when they weren't present to defend themselves. Again, you may feel more comfortable with backers, but the object of your advice will only feel isolated and hurt.
6. Listen to what the other person is saying. If they don't feel they have a problem, let them say why. It is possible that they don't realize how their actions are effecting you. It is also possible that if you understand how they feel, you will be able to reach a compromise that you both can respect. Finally, it could be that you are over reacting or not being fair.
7. Own your discomfort. You are the one with the allergies, hunger or embarrassment. The other person clearly does not feel his / her behavior is a problem that needs to be corrected. "I find that smoke is making my eyes water", or, "I'm concerned that too much of our money is being used for junk food" is a lot nicer than, "Your smoking is killing me" or "You're such a pig. Can't you save any for anyone else?" If the problem is alcohol, you may need professional help to stage an intervention.
Family members should strive to be kind to each other. If they are, they will be better able to share sadness and joy. Holidays and other special occasions can be sad and lonely if the people who they effect the most feel alienated from each other. Rifts over poorly timed, but well meant words can cause years of bad feelings in a family. Too many times, people only remember the anger and hurt, and do not have clear memories of what caused it. If, however, you treat your relatives with the same courtesy and respect you extend to friends and strangers, you can keep your family relationships more productive, and you might even inspire the behavioral changes you want.
Copyright (c) 2009 Lucille Uttermohlen
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Dear Abby beware! Lucille Uttermohlen will not only answer your relationship questions, but will give you the legal reasons for her advice! Join her at http://www.couple-or-not.com or write to her at lucille@couple-or-not.com or lucille@utter-law.com
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