Who would want to stay in a marriage where you don't know whether you are loved, and whether the other person is committed to the relationship. Without good communication, partners are left to guess at what their relationship behaviors and events mean. When you cannot effectively communicate, problem solving is dangerous territory indeed.
Without appropriate communication, relationships struggle to maintain the affection, the connection, and the sense of belonging and acceptance that are so important to all individuals.
With around half of all marriages ending in divorce, it is especially important to take steps to maintain the individual and family benefits of a marriage. A pro-active stance in maintaining the good will, good feelings, and individual happiness of partners goes a long way toward keeping marital stability.
Only a marriage that is satisfying to both partners is somewhat safe. Both partners in a marriage must be happy or the marriage is vulnerable.
One of the major causes of divorce is conflict and ineffective communication/problem solving. Another is infidelity. Both of these problem areas for couples can be fixed or prevented.
People often believe that they communicate well. However, when emotions are intense, that may not be the case. You cannot really be communicating well when you spend very little time together, and when the time that you do spend is devoid of interaction.
Often one partner will want and need more interaction and communication time while the other needs less, which puts their needs in conflict. When couples don't know that they are trying to solve problems on two different levels, unresolved relationship issues are often projected onto seemingly unrelated problems. So, instead of talking about not feeling loved enough, feeling taken for granted, or feeling unimportant, a couple will end up arguing about taking out the trash. To one person, the issue is "taking out the trash". To the other, the meaning of repeatedly asking someone to take out the trash, means "s/he doesn't love me" or "I'm not important".
When you identify that you need more quality time together, without distrations, and you take action to accomplish this goal, good things begin to happen.
Commitment helps a marriage weather the many changes that it goes through over time. Change leads to stress. Individual partners experience shared stressors and individual stressors. Couples can use the relationship as a strength to deal with shared and individual stressors, or they can individually problem solve and try to sell their individual solutions to each other, thereby setting themselves up for more conflict and more stress. Effective communication makes it easier for couples to help and support each other with stress.
There are many ways to learn to effectively communicate. Couples counseling, marital enrichment programs, and structured or semi-structured communication exercises are all possibilities.
Couples counseling can teach you to identify when you are trying to problem solve on different levels and how to get on the same page. Couple's Feelings Meetings and The Honey Jar, a couple's conversation starter, are examples of helpful communication exercises.
If you want more from your marriage, take action now. It is not a good idea to do nothing, hoping that something will change. Change is inevitable, but it may not be the type of change you are hoping for.
Copyright (c) 2009 Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.
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A multitude of resources are available to you on the website of Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D. at http://www.peggyferguson.com You can also sign up for Dr. Ferguson's Newsletter there. To download (for purchase) The Honey Jar, a couple's communication exercise, go to http://www.honeyjarcommunications.com Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D. is a therapist in private practice in Stillwater, OK. She is also a writer, trainer, and consultant.
Disclaimer: All information on this site is provided for informational purposes only! By no means is any
information presented herein intended to substitute for the advice provided to you by any health care or other professional
or organization.
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