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Though I am not a big fan of categorizing people, in this
article I would like explore the five different ways people can be emotionally
unavailable. As mentioned before, one
thing all emotionally unavailable people have in common is their compulsive
avoidance of intimacy while they constantly keep looking for an intimate
relationship. An emotionally unavailable
person is never clear about being unavailable for a relationship. Even though they may verbally express where
they stand, their behavior often suggests otherwise, giving out many confusing
mixed messages. Let's explore a little
bit more how they do it and see if this sounds familiar.
Eggs in many baskets
type is the kind of person who is so terrified of being in love and loosing
personal power, he chooses to be in several relationships at the same
time. These people literally view the
idea of a monogamous relationship as putting all their eggs in one basket. They often seem to have no problems with their
lifestyles justifying their behavior by saying "Well you can't have it all in
one person" and they don't really get involved with anyone. They introduce their partners as friends as
they don't like using the word girlfriend.
They swear they are not the marrying kind, although they typically do
get married at least once in their lifetime.
Many times the "eggs in many baskets" type will actually terminate the
relationship if they feel like they are falling for the person. This compulsive behavior is usually a result
of a severe heartbreak and it is more typical for men than women.
Involved with another
type is someone who is either physically or emotionally involved with
someone who doesn't meet all their needs.
As a result they become involved with another to compensate for what
they're missing. This type of behavior
is typical for both men and women. An involved with another type doesn't see
herself as being emotionally unavailable as she strongly believes that if the
man she is in love with only loved her back and given her everything she
needed, she wouldn't be going around looking for love elsewhere.
The lurker type. A
lurker will tell you that he loves dating and meeting new people and actually
mean it. This person is driven by the
fear of letting their soul mate slip by and is always on the lookout for that
special someone, while never settling for anyone in particular. Ironically, lurkers don't have a slightest
clue of what they're looking for, but they will consider any candidate that comes
into the picture, never ending that search for something that doesn't exist. Sadly, many times these people will actually
lose the love of their lives and realize it when it's too late.
Serial monogamist
is similar to the lurker in a way that he/she too searches for the ideal person
as opposed to a real person. Unlike
lurkers serial monogamists don't spend much time dating as they quickly get
into an exclusive committed relationship with one person for several months or
even more than a year. But in their relationships serial monogamists are more
interested in how you make them feel rather than you. When these people are
looking for a relationship, they would typically go for someone who is into
them, rather than someone they are into as being adored by another is what gets
them high and secures their self-esteem.
Their idea of intimacy is intense chemistry and romantic intrigue. For a short while they are blinded by
hormones and seriously believe that you are the only one for them. They will promise you the world, they will
tell you they love you with all their hearts and then leave you heartlessly
when the hormonal rush wares off only a few months later. These people are simply incapable of dealing
with the reality of a relationship, in many cases they don't even know the
person they get into a relationship with.
Avoidant is the
most widespread emotionally unavailable type that sometimes can be hard to
pinpoint as there are so many different types of avoidants. An avoidant may get into a relationship and stay
there for many years, or stay away from all personal relationships and dating
altogether for long periods of time. They may avoid all sexual contacts for
months or even years, then go on a binge of one night stands. Avoidants are typically introverted and in
some extreme cases can become antisocial.
They are typically very honest and rarely cheat or play, yet it is not
uncommon for an avoidant to live a secret live no one knows about. These people can be very damaging to
themselves and the ones they get close with.
They avoid intimacy by building walls around themselves and
energetically pushing people away whenever they get too uncomfortable in a
relationship. They avoid conflicts and
confrontations at all possible costs pretending there is nothing wrong when the
problem is quite obvious to others.
Sometimes when confronted they can even become aggressive and violent,
though most avoidants are passive-aggressive.
They often use drugs, alcohol, pornography, videogames, TV and many
other addictions to keep themselves cut out of the reality of their own lives
and lives of those they get involved with.
Nobody really falls one hundred percent into one
specific category -- many emotionally unavailable people are combination of two
or more types or switch types during their lifetime depending on whom they are
with. Typically people become
emotionally unavailable because of a heartbreak they had to survive in their
past. The good news is that every EU
person can recover from their destructive relationship patterns if he or she is
willing to do so. But that can only
happen if they do it on their own. |
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