Dear Dr. Grove, I am so frustrated that I want scream. My husband and I have been married over 2 years and it isn’t getting any better. Whenever he comes home from work and I try to talk with him, all I get in response are grunts or monosyllabic answers. It doesn’t matter what I’m talking about what happened with the baby, something that needs fixing, or what went on with my day. He hardly even seems to notice when I ask him how his day went. About the most I get is “ok" or “fine". Why does he treat me like I’m not even here?
Signed: Wondering Why I’m Here Dear Wondering, You have touched on a universal and very painful point of conflict for couples. You interpret his paucity of response to mean that he doesn’t care about what is going on with you, and then feel frustrated, angry and sad.
But there is something much more powerful at work in this dynamic that cuts across all cultures. What is at issue is how women and men deal with stress differently. When women are stressed they intuitively choose a response that decreases that stress they talk about what’s going on. This is known as the “tend and befriend" response to stress. Talking decreases the stress hormone cortisol and they feel more relaxed and calm.
When men are stressed their automatic response is “fight or flight". They intuitively deal aggressively with the cause of the stress, or move away from it. Doing this decreases their level of the stress hormone cortisol, and they feel more calm and relaxed.
A fascinating study revealed that at the end of the work day when male and female partners converse with each, talking decreased the cortisol levels in women while it actually increased cortisol levels in men! So what calms a woman down can actually agitate a man!
What is happening underneath the surface, and unbeknownst to each of them, is that they are both trying to relax in the best way they know how. His way of relaxing doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care about what’s going on with her, or the kids, or the house. And her way of relaxing doesn’t mean she doesn’t respect his need for alone time, or that she’s needy, or intrusive. Each person is trying to give the other what s/he wants for themselves, believing that is what the other will appreciate and benefit from!
But it doesn’t work because men and women deal with stress differently. So what can be done, short of living a separate life? First, acknowledge that you have different ways of dealing with stress/relaxation. Second, agree on a strategy that gives you both some of what you want. That could be agreeing on a certain time in the evening/day to talk about what’s going on with each of you, or the kids, or the house. It could also include a time limit so that he knows that there is a prescribed limit in which time he can try to figure out what can be done. (Remember, men and women have different goals in communication. Men generally want communication to be goal oriented, to resolve a problem or fix things. Women usually want communication to be process oriented, to be a way of sharing and connecting).
Third, remember that when your spouse/partner activates his natural ways of decreasing stress, that he is not making a statement about his feelings for you. So don’t take it personally. Acknowledge your differences and compromise to get both of you what you want. The reason you are both there is because you want to make the relationship strong and enjoyable.
Clark Grove PhD is a husband, father, psychologist and psychotherapist. He has worked with men in inidvidual, group and couples therapy for over 25 years.
He has been a guest speaker on radio regarding men and relationships.
He also offers a workshop for women in the San Francisco Bay Area entitled "Inside of Men: Understanding the Hearts and Minds of Men".
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