It’s May 2006, and the 2005-2006 television season is winding down. Some people anxiously await their favorite show’s season-ending cliffhanger, while others feel pangs of sorrow as they watch the final episode of a series that won’t be back on the air next fall. Many, however, are glued to the tube as the latest round of reality TV shows reach their dramatic (and oh-so-real) conclusions. “The Apprentice" is down to the final two candidates (we all know the final tasks for Sean and Lee will be smooth sailing for both). The short-lived show “Unan1mous" gave us a glimpse of the brighter side of humanity (you can ignore the vicious rumors that at least two of the contestants are actors…that’s just not true…these people are REAL people…I think…). And by now everybody around the world knows that Taylor Hicks is Season Five’s “American Idol". (Dawg, if Chris Daughtry couldn’t win, you were the next logical candidate.)
We watch these shows and applaud how authentic everybody seems in front of the camera. There are no scripts, no makeup artists, and no retakes. Everybody is, as Randy Jackson says repeatedly, “keepin’ it real." Oh yeah? You think this is the way things work in the real world? Let me give you a few examples of everyday activities that we’d have to rewrite just a bit if we were living in Reality TV Land.
The Job Interview INTERVIEWER MS. SMITH: Well, Mr. Jones, I appreciate all the information you’ve given us. You are eminently qualified for this position, and frankly, I can’t see why we shouldn’t offer you the job right now.
MR. JONES: Thank you, ma’am. I’d love to accept.
MS. SMITH: Unfortunately, I’m here to tell you that you will not be receiving the job.
MR. JONES: (incredulous) But…why not?
MS. SMITH: Well, my two colleagues, with whom you’ve already met, both disagree with me. Mr. Randall insists that he likes your resume and your credentials, but he feels your delivery just wasn’t as impressive as several others in the group. And Mr. Simons…well, I’ll quote him: “His interview reminded me of a Saturday night catfight between two ancient and decrepit tom cats, trying to win the attention of a female feline who was never really worth wooing in the first place." I’m so sorry, but you won’t be coming back for our next round of interviews. Thank you for your time, and for a very entertaining interview. Please be sure to turn in your signed non-disclosure and liability release statements to the secretary on your way out. And have a good day.
The First Date GIRL: I’ve had such a nice time tonight.
BOY: Me, too. Is it okay if I call you tomorrow?
GIRL: Here you go. (hands the boy a card with some writing on it)
BOY: Is this your phone number?
GIRL: No, it’s YOUR phone number. All my friends have four hours to call me and let me know what they think of you as a date, as a person, and most importantly, as a potential husband. Once I hear back from them, I’ll get to find out who I dump in the next round.
BOY: Who…next round…what…?
GIRL: Oh, you silly! You don’t think you were the ONLY date I’ve had in the last week, do you? I’ve dated one guy each night all week long! My friends, and their friends, and THEIR friends are helping me decide who I’m going to spend the rest of my life with! This is too important a decision to trust to on my own! So if I call you back, you’re in for another week, and if my father calls you back…well, try not to be too heartbroken, okay?
BOY: Heartbroken? Over you? Are you kidding? Why, with my good looks and charm, I can get any one of your so-called friends to start dating me! Besides, I never told you that I’m filthy rich, thanks to a quirk of fate and a mysterious letter that was hand-delivered to me by our waiter just before I paid the check! So I don’t need you, lady! (jumps into car and drives away)
GIRL: (screaming) YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME! THE VOTING ISN’T OVER YET! YOU’RE IN VIOLATION OF YOUR CONTRACT!
The Drive to Work RADIO DJ: And now let’s update that traffic report with Jenny Ace, from her vantage point in our “Eye in the Sky" traffic helicopter. How’s that drive into work this morning, Jenny?
REPORTER: It’s business as usual, Frank. Over on the west side our drivers are pulling into the Park-n-Ride lot on rickshaws, with the early birds assigned to ride on luxury Greyhound buses, and the stragglers relegated to taking their chances on decrepit old school buses that might not survive the trip into work. On the south end of town things are a little slower, as commuters seem to be having a difficult time adapting to the unicycles they found on their front porches this morning. Our northside residents are faring much better, though, as they whiz into town on their inline skates. It’s our neighbors to the east who are having the worst of it, though. Have you ever tried getting into work on a jet ski – on pavement? (laughing) Of course, the people who arrive to work last will be, as usual, fired. It’s all part of the job, Frank!
RADIO DJ: (chuckling) Yes, Jenny, just another normal work day in the city. And now a word from our sponsor, Avis Rent-a-Car.
The Business Meeting CEO: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for attending this meeting today. We’ve just received information that our competitors are gaining on us, both in sales and services, as well as in the market. It’s time to implement some drastic changes.
FINANCIAL CONSULTANT: And what would that entail?
CEO: Simple. You need to modify the books so that any losses our company incurs will show up in subsidiaries that have no effect on this organization’s bottom line, while making sure all profits from all our other companies are funneled back here to make us look even better than we are.
VICE-PRESIDENT: Uh…is that all?
CEO: Of course not! We also need to inflate our profit margins to our stockholders, raise our employees’ pay rates to totally unreasonable levels, and give me obscenely high bonuses on top of my insanely high annual salary to keep everything afloat until the bottom eventually drops out!
FINANCIAL CONSULTANT: But I can’t do that! It’s unethical!
VICE-PRESIDENT: That’s right. We could lose everything! And so many innocent people would be hurt!
CEO: Obviously, gentlemen, you don’t need to participate in this particular challenge. If you choose not to, however, you will no longer be a part of our company and will be forced to leave. You don’t want that do you?
FINANCIAL CONSULTANT: Uh….
VICE-PRESIDENT: …no, we don’t.
CEO: I didn’t think so. Now, let’s all do an expensive lunch on the company’s tab, while I squirrel away more of my personal profits into that Swiss bank account none of you knows about! And lighten up, people! After all, this is only a game!
Now wait a minute…you know, that last one…it seems strangely familiar to me somehow…!
Additional sources for this article include Reality Blurred.
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Danny Davids has worked in the computer industry for over 25 years. He has provided end-user support, training, and network administration services in arenas as diverse as the service bureau, health, education, communication, manufacturing, and consulting industries. He currently works as a network administrator for a government agency. He is married and has two adult children.
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