I’m a guy (like, duh!). I’m not sure why, but I think there’s some genetic code buried deep in the Y chromosome that requires men to stick up for and defend each other. It’s a we’re-all-in-this-together, us-versus-them, almost primal instinct to back up the other guy, even when you know he’s lying through his teeth and you’re going to be in more trouble than he is when the facts finally come out. We can’t help it. That’s just the way we are. So, like my genetically-challenged brethren, I’ll support a guy in most cases.
But lately, I’m finding myself more and more embarrassed by the attitude men are taking when it comes to marriage. Some of the most idiotic, asinine comments I’ve ever heard are coming out of men’s mouths concerning this relationship. What makes it particularly uncomfortable for me is that these attitudes aren’t expressed by only the younger generation. Men in my peer group are voicing these same opinions. It’s no wonder many in the United States feel that the institution of marriage is threatened when people believe some of the viewpoints I’ve heard expressed.
Gentlemen, I’m going to have to fight that genetic inclination this time. I’m defending the ladies and taking you to task. Some attitudes need to change, and you need to do the changing.
It’s Not a Conquest
First, let’s get one thing straight. YES, VIRGINIA, THERE ARE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN. That will irritate some of the unisex proponents, but it’s the truth. The differences run the gamut, from biological to psychological to emotional. Men and women accomplish tasks differently, view the world differently, respond to stimuli differently. Scientific studies bear this out over and over again. It’s a fact of life. Deal with it.
Men have a tendency to deal with life in a task-oriented way. We complete a project, check it off our list, and go on to the next item. Whether it’s changing a tire, playing a game of football, advancing a career, or getting a mate, it’s all about the end result. A goal is achieved – we’ve won! Now it’s time to take on the next challenge!
Women don’t work that way. Women are much more relation-oriented in their approach to life. While accomplishing the objective is important, maintaining the connections between people during the process is just as vital. Even after the goal has been achieved, the relationships continue on in many cases.
This is where I think guys have a problem when it comes to marriage (I’m purposely leaving out cohabitation because I feel there’s a lack of commitment involved). Men view the wedding (or perhaps the honeymoon!) as the end result of the process (finding the right girl, dating the right girl, proposing, getting married). Now that they’ve “got the girl", they can move on to something else. And many do, concentrating on their careers, their finances, their social status. They stop doing all the things they did while they were trying to win over the woman they love. After all (and yes, I’ve actually heard this said), “She’s mine now, so what else do I have to do?"
The problem is, while men are patting themselves on the back and saying “I got it!" women are most likely asking themselves “What did I get?" This isn’t a task to them - it’s a relationship. And relationships continue on even after other aspirations have been reached. Many a blushing bride finds that it doesn’t take long to move from newlywed to “old lady". If you’ve been around women at all, I’m about to tell you something you probably already know: They do NOT like being ignored.
Guys, think about it. What if you did this with your job? You work hard to learn about a company before you ever apply for a position. You network with friends and business associates to try to get an “in" to somebody higher-up in the organization. You come in for the interview dressed to the nines, and impress the interviewer with your knowledge of the company in general and your desired position in particular. You play up all the successes you’ve had with previous employers and turn your weaknesses into strengths. You get the job offer and…you come into work every day in boxers and a t-shirt, sit at your desk all day long snacking, playing games and surfing the Internet, and doing nothing more than collecting your paycheck. Do you think you’d be employed long by that company? At the very least, your relationship with your employer would be, shall we say, strained. What makes a man think he can do the same thing to his wife and not expect difficulties in the marriage?
Getting the “Goods"
I think what men need to do is take a nice leisurely journey down Memory Lane. (Ladies, feel free to subtly encourage this little trip.) Think back to what you did when you were dating your spouse. What were the tasks you performed to get the end result? (Don’t be offended, ladies. I’m speaking Man-ese here.) If you’ve forgotten, maybe giving you this list will help jump-start your memory.
Good Hygiene – There is no way your future wife answered her door to see you with unwashed hair, unshaven face, unbrushed teeth, and un-deodorized body parts. You wanted to make a good impression and be as presentable (and acceptable) as possible. Everybody wants to take a day off now and then and not have to go through the routine, but get serious, man. You’re living with a human being, not Shrek! Clean yourself up - daily.
Good Fashion – I’m guessing you made sure you wore freshly-laundered clothing when you picked up your date. While it’s not necessary to wear a suit and tie at home all the time, parading around exclusively in the boxers and t-shirt mentioned above doesn’t exactly help you present your best side.
Good Manners – You’d have exploded before letting your girlfriend know you were having a problem with excessive flatulence. Now you don’t even bother to stifle your belches and you scratch yourself in public. Remember opening the car door for her, pulling out her chair at a restaurant, letting her enter/exit a building first, saying “Please" and “Thank you"? Doing those things shows her you care about her (you may not view it that way, but frankly your view doesn’t count right now).
Good Times – Every time you got together with your sweetheart it was the same thing. Go over to her place. Sit in front of the TV. Watch sports until your eyes bleed. Kiss her good night. Go home. Repeat next time. If you did, and she still accepted your proposal, then don’t change a thing. Otherwise, hire a sitter if you need to and take your wife out on a real date. It doesn’t have to be expensive. She’d appreciate a meal at a modest restaurant where you can sit and talk together about something more meaningful than what those jerks at work did to you today. Go for a walk in a favorite park. Visit the mall (yeah, I know) and window shop. Don’t be afraid to be as romantic as you were on the night you proposed. Be daring. Be silly. Be there for her. Make a memory for both of you.
It Takes 21 Days
If you find you need to change some of your habits, don’t think it’s impossible. Statistics show that most of us can convert a bad habit into a good one in 21 days. If you have too many habits to change all at once, then take them one at a time. Make one change. Make it stick. Then add another. Believe me, even making one change will make your wife sit up and take notice, and she’ll be looking for others. And you’ll notice an interesting side effect as well: When you start changing to accommodate her, she will likely also make changes in her life to reciprocate. She wins, you win, the relationship wins.
The Bottom Line
I can hear it now. Somebody’s got the perfect line to explain his change in lifestyle. “I don’t have the time for all that now." “I’m too busy." “We have kids now." “She doesn’t know what I have to deal with every day." And the granddaddy of them all, “Well, she’s changed, too, y’know!" I’m not surprised. We all change. But you can’t change anybody else’s behavior but your own. Face it, gentlemen: You have no excuse. You wouldn’t have hit your date with any of those explanations before you were married. Why do you consider them acceptable now? My recommendation is to give up on the excuses and get busy on the “goods" now. Otherwise, your wife may end up dropping a line or two on you, like “Have your lawyer call my lawyer!"
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