As I sat watching his animated face, I was transformed to the place he described.  My friend has just returned from a missions trip and as he told the stories of hard work, building a school and church in Belize and handing out shoes to little children, it made my heart ache.  It was not an ache of sadness that I could not go with him, nor so much for the people who live in poverty half a world away. While I do feel a need to help these people, I am transformed to a day past when my own face beamed with the joy of a job well done and peace in knowing that what I was doing, was God's work.

God never misses an opportunity to change you.  I could see by the glow in my friends eyes and the smile on his face that he was probably in the best place he had ever been.  The pure joy of walking where God wishes you to be is intoxicating like no other drug I have ever known.  I ache for that knowledge in my own life once again.

As I watched the animation in my friend I vowed to make the changes necessary within my own life, and to open my own heart to God's will.  Whatever that may be.  My life has become rushed and chaotic and while I feel that God gave me this job to do, it is becomeing increasingly clear to me that it is probably a life lesson and not so much a life-long lesson.  It is very important that I learn the difference.

For God to work within my life and my heart I must turn my will over to His and not keep taking it back.  My life is mine and I choose to let God lead it.  As I tossed and turned in my sleep last night, I prayed for God to open the doors that need to be opened, and to close the ones that need to be slammed shut.  My prayer is that I will learn to turn my life over to God and not keep taking it back.  My heart is dry and broken right now and my only recourse is God!

I got up this morning and turned my Bible to the book of Psalms.  Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity And cleanse me from my sin .  Psalms 51:2  As I read through the 51st chapter of Psalms the words jumped off the page and struck me deep within my soul.  King David, the writer of Psalms, touches my heart deeply.  I suspect that David struggled with many of the issues that I struggle with.  He ran from God, hid out in the wilderness and tried to do things his own way.   It was not until he finally learned to let God lead that his life really took off.  My life has been a jumble of stops and starts, especially over the last ten years or so.  I write when I feel like it and do my own thing when I don't.

My desire to write a book that leads the hurting out of the darkness, no doubt is what God wants me to do.  Yet, while I work at it from time to time, I have yet to totally throw myself into this project.  I get frustrated and go back to trying to work things out on my own.  My financial situation has never been one of great wealth, yet at the same time when I was so broke I could barely pay the rent, is when I was at my happiest in my life.  I have found myself face down in the dirt so many times, yet those are the times that I jumped for joy the most.  You do not appreciate the finer things in life, until you have been face down in the dirt.

I do not speak of the finer things in life as those that make my life more comfortable.  No, the finer things in life is not a nice house, a good job, the "right" partner, or a new car.  No, the finer things in life are peace and joy of following God's will, and knowing that the road I walk is one that has been laid before me by my heavenly Father.  Create in me a clean heart , O God , And renew a steadfast spirit within me.   Psalms 51:10  

My prayer this morning is one of a very contrite spirit.  I am tired of banging my head against the wall in search of worldly financial stability and I lay my heart and soul at the foot of the cross.  Restore to me the joy of Your salvation And sustain me with a willing spirit .  Psalms 51:12    My life and my true joy must come from God, no man on this planet can give that to me.  No job can bring me the stability that I need, and only God in his infinite wisdom can take any situation that I am in and use it to change me for the better.  The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit ; A broken and a contrite heart , O God , You will not despise .  Psalms 51:17 

My prayer today is that my broken heart will be healed by this situation.  Lord, I pray that you will keep me in this job only as long as I am needed to be here.  I also pray that you will take my broken heart and heal it.  I hand it to you Lord.  I also pray that I will never forget the lessons that I have learned here Lord.  And I also pray that I will stay where I am as long as I need to be here, to learn those lessons that I need to learn.

God doesn't want to change your situation.  He wants to change YOU!  He will leave you where you are.  Only as long as you need to be there.  He threshes the wheat, but only so long as it will take for the goodness to come out.  No longer.  Grain for bread is crushed, Indeed, he does not continue to thresh it forever. Because the wheel of his cart and his horses eventually damage it, He does not thresh it longer.  Isaiah 28:28  

My Mother used to say, "pray like it all depends on the Lord, and work like it all depends on you"!  We know that it all depends on the Lord, but at the same time, I think that God expects us to put out some kind of effort.  He is not going to come in and miraculously make me a willing person.  I have the choice to walk away or lay it down at the cross.  Until I lay it down at the cross and turn my will and my life over to God, He is going to let me wander.

Today, it is very clear to me that this job isn't going to save me and I can't experience God from listening to someone elses stories.  I love the stories, but I so need my own experiences with God.  There is always a rainbow after a rain storm.  If it needs to rain a little more in my life, well so be it.  Because I know, that after it rains, there is truly a rainbow.  That rainbow was created by God.  I pray that I have learned some hard lessons, but if I haven't totally learned them yet.  Then Lord, let it rain!  Change my situation when it is time for it to be changed and not a second sooner.  Dear Lord, please change ME!

(c) copyright 2011 Danni Andrew
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