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Mommisms are things your mother said a million times until one day they popped out of your mouth while you were ranting at your kids. For example:
+ If you fall and break your neck, I’ll kill you!
+ This is the worst looking pigsty I have ever seen…
+ If you think (fill in the blank), you’ve got another think coming!
Sometimes mommisms are simply flippant replies to your children’s endless shennanigans, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that your kids have heard them a million times. This is one way parents can get even with their children – torturing them by repetition. Best of all, they don’t always have to make sense.
I know when a mommism is coming out of my mouth. I see my kids roll their eyes and mouth the words as I say them.
+ You must think I took stupid pills this morning.
+ I'm not having you go door-to-door selling stuff for the school. I have a tight budget, too, and you don't see me having you sell door-to-door, do you?
+ I thought I'd buy you clothes instead of McDonalds. You'll look better wearing pants to school instead of a cheeseburger.
+ DON'T you tell me what YOU are going to do! I'm the parent and I say what you're going to do…and I'll tell you what that is as soon as I figure it out!
+ Why do you kids bother asking me a question and then don't bother to listen to the answer?
+ You're miserable? Good. I'm doing a great job, then.
+ This is NOT Burger King you're not getting it your way, right away.
+ Well, excuse me for trying to have a conversation with your father--please don't let that stop you from interrupting us.
+ And if your friends told you to stick your underwear on your head and prance around in the street, would you?
+ What's that you say? You want something? Do I hear, "You are the most superior and all powerful mother and I am but a poor toast crumb"?
+ Boo-dee-beep! We're sorry, the mommy you have been whining to has been temporarily disconnected. Please try your complaint again later.
+ You walk out this door you better keep on walking, mister. Don't you dare walk out that door!
+ This is not a democracy. I am the Queen Mother.
+ Here, I made your favorite dish - shutupandeatit.
+ From now on no one in this house will look at or touch another person!
+ Where’s my stash of chocolate?
+ Where’s your father?!
Motherhood isn’t glamorous and mommisms prove that. But sometimes a mommism can make for some great comic relief in hindsight. Got a favorite mommism or quip? Send me a line.
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©Lisa Barker - LISA BARKER is a syndicated humor columnist and mom of five. Her latest book is “Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane ... Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent!" See www.JellyMom.com for more information.
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