An Unhappy Marriage: How to Know When It's Really Over

It's a fact. There are a lot of people who feel unhappy in their marriage. But the real question many of them are asking themselves is, how do I know when my marriage is really over?

Is it when your spouse says, "I don't love you anymore?" Is it after an affair takes place? How do you REALLY know? Keep reading to find out how to identify the warning signs that often indicate your spouse has given up on your marriage.

First and Foremost: Has your spouse reached The Point of No Return?

What is the Point of No Return in a marriage? Is there such a thing? After working with couples for over 11 years, I've identified a specific "path" that couples travel on the way to divorce. And at the end of this path is what I call...The Point of No Return.

But I'm getting ahead of myself...let me back up for a second.

In most cases, your marriage is NOT over when:

- Your spouse moves out
- When your spouse says the infamous, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore"
- When your spouse threatens you with divorce

And believe it or not, in some cases, your marriage is NOT even over when...your spouse files for divorce.

Your marriage is NOT over when your spouse begs, pleads, argues, screams, storms out of the house or turns the whole family against you.

Quite the contrary, The Point of No Return in a marriage IS confirmed when your spouse looks at you as if s/he were dead.

There is no life in your spouse's voice and no life in his/her eyes. Your spouse doesn't get angry with you. S/he simply tells you when the divorce papers are going to be served. S/he's already gone to the court house, found an attorney and has a service date set for the divorce proceedings.

Your marriage is most likely over when your spouse has made complete lists of assets and debts with your both of your names on them. Your spouse has already decided on the custody plan and cleaned out any bank accounts with their name and yours and closed all the credit cards that you share.

Your spouse has reached The Point of No Return when s/he already knows the courts require a 120 day waiting period and s/he has emotionally bolted him/herself in place for the long wait.

You've gone WAY beyond an "unhappy marriage" when your spouse has talked many times to the children about divorce and they are now either scared, angry, hurt, confused or emotionally shut down.

There's a good chance your marriage is over when your spouse doesn't care about how your children feel about it. S/he is only acting for his/her own survival at this point and s/he has repeatedly convinced him/herself that "The kids are good, they'll be fine." S/he may have even said that to friends and relatives.

This is the REAL Point of No Return. I've found that when your spouse has reached the Point of No Return, no one can save your marriage at this point. Not a priest, pastor or marriage counselor.

So How Did this Happen?

A marriage gets to this point because we live in a society that is convinced that once you are married, there is nothing you need to learn about marriage and nothing you need to practice.

All you need is love.

If you don't have love, then it's all your fault that your marriage failed. Because of this belief, you kept on doing exactly what you always did...your version of love.

You treated your spouse the same way your father treated your mother...or vice versa. You kept on doing the same thing and kept on getting the same results.

Your spouse could not help you to help him/her. No matter how many times s/he told you how to meet his/her needs, you couldn't hear...you just couldn't understand.

How do I know this?

I know it because every single divorce is built on the same system. When your emotional needs are not met in a marriage, anywhere from 1-3 of the situations listed below will begin to take place in your marriage.

Because you know virtually nothing about how to be married and how to support each other's needs, you have no way to stop these issues from happening:

- Affair
- Sex failure
- Communication break down
- No Loyalty
- In-Law problems
- Grew apart
- Fell out of love
- Blended family issues
- Abusive attitudes
- Depression
- Angry spouse
- No romance
- Ignores me
- Money problems
- Children problems
- Avoids me

If your spouse has not yet passed the Point of No Return, you can still save your marriage there is still hope for the two of you. But you need to do something TODAY to improve your unhappy marriage. Believe me, I get emails daily with stories about marriages that took a turn for the worst in a matter of WEEKS.

These people simply waited too long and before they knew it, their spouse had reached the Point of No Return. So my message to you is DON'T WAIT. Do something for your marriage TODAY...before it's too late. You can start by getting the FREE marriage advice you can use to fix your marriage at the http://www.marriage-success-secrets.com website.

Note: This article is not legal advice. It is not meant to replace marriage counseling.

►Reprint Rights◄

You are a member of Larry Bilotta's Fan Club!

Comments on this article:

» left by Anonymous (65 days 4 hours ago.)

I'm with my husband for over 11 years, 6 1/2 of those married. We have a 4 year old who is my world, and is the reason I stay in this marriage. My husband is caring, a great father and a genuine nice guy - so why do I want to get away from this marriage so badly? Financial pressure has seen me become the bread-winner in our home (which is not what I wanted) - my husband's lazy attitude to keeping house means not only do I work full-time, but then come home to clean the house. We live in his country, surrounded by his friends and I feel trapped in his world. I want to add a bit of adventure to our lives, but he just shrugs and says 'no way'. This is not what I had planned for my future. Coming from a broken home, i know the devastating effect divorce can have on children; again this leaves me feeling trapped. I want a man who can take care of me for a change, someone who wants to look good for me and make me feel special... I'm so tired of this rut we have fallen into, and his resistance to getting out of it just infuriates me more.. what should i do?

Respond to this comment

» left by Jeff from NC (61 days 2 hours ago.)

We just "celebrated" our 19th anniversary and things couldn't be worse. We argue about stupid things all the time, last night it was mac and cheese, I'm not sure if either one of is "in love" with the other anymore. I've been layed off for quite sometime and can't seem to find a decent job. Have worked as a truck driver for years and have been looking at going back into that field again.Let me lay this out, i know i was wrong here but would like others opions. A few months ago i met my "first love" on an online website. We "rekindled" our past relationship and, like most stupid men with a pc, i got busted. Now my wife is constantly "checking up on me and trying to catch me doing it again. She absolutely "hates" this other woman. I don;t know that i blame her, however i do. I despise her efforts to "catch me in the act" again. This along with a history of finacial hardships has brought us to a point where i wonder if the marriage is over,worth saving, even wonder at times if we are still in love with one another. At times it seems she's willing to "fight" for me but i'm not sure if that is a possesion thing or love. We've recently tried "going to God" with our problems and attending church regularly. We have two boys, one a teenager the other not yet 10 years old and i KNOW i'm not here "just for the kids" and not sure where she is in her mind, we don't talk like that. I think i'm a decent husband, I clean the house and try to get things done around here while she is working full time. However, i also think I may have a slight case of depression and was reaching out back for another time in my life with my "affair" Alot of my recent memories have seemed to go back to an earlier time in my life. Some of the choices i made or didn't make and honestly I am really regretting ever getting mariied to this woman

Respond to this comment

» left by Anonymous (58 days 16 hours ago.)

I have to think the person who wrote this article I finally googled today how to tell when its really over and found this as the first answer. I have been struggling for a month now maybe a little longer when I think about it, but for the last month for sure, about whether I love my husband or if I am in love with him. He gets so angry about the smallest crazy things. I know I should get out its not a good relationship mentally or phsycially but I keep thinking what will he do, and about all the things we just bought for the house in the last few months. I almost feel obligated, sex is history now. We have been married 4 years and together 8, things were great for 5 years or so but they went downhill. He always tells me its because of his job that things are bad between us, but that is getting old as a excuse. I went to counseling and he said that we would go to marriage counseling months ago but I mention it now and he just looks at me, I should have known he wouldn't have went, that it was just an empty promise to get me back. Now I feel like crap and I don't know if I can emotionally start over again..

Respond to this comment

» left by Anonymous (58 days 13 hours ago.)

My wife and I have nothing in common anymore. She will not even try watching one of my shows with me, even though she expects me to like what she likes. I love the summer heat and she complains about it. She expects me to be sexually attracted to her, but all she does is complain about her job, the people she works with, her drive home. It is not just this one job, it has been all of them since we have been married. It is as if I have to be her sounding board and one thing in her life that is right.

Respond to this comment

» left by monica lopez from florida (45 days 11 hours ago.)

Im 21 and ive been married to my husband for 2 years together for 4. we have a 2 year old and a 7month old. i moved with his to his base hes in the army and his career path that hes choosen is literally his whole being. he ignores me all the time. ima stay at home mother and i just long for him to wanna be a better husband. when our youngest was 3 months we seperated because he wanted to "live his life". we are both young but we knew that goin in. i grew up and try my hardest to be an awesome mother and wife but i feel like hes just so distant. i find myself dreaming of cheating. of having a man love me and wanna be witih me. and just feeling that loved feeling. i feel like im invisible to him. the sex is basically whatever he can get off quickest to. i feel like im drowning.. i dont even know if i love him anymore. i feel like we bring out the worst in eachother we dont respect eachother we fight constantly and i get mad that i feel like hes just so selfish, he doesnt realize what a beautiful family he has. and im over it. i feel myself eating more and more like its my only comfort.. its always there always consistant. then that starts him with his comments about my weight but ive been pregnant 2 outta the 4 years we been together and its been really hard to lose the weight.. i know were over i guess its just the waiting to see who will file first....

Respond to this comment

» left by Lonely (35 days 12 hours ago.)

I've been married 17 years and have three children with my husband but it seems more like we're roomates than husband and wife. He has always been selfish and self centered even when it comes to our children. He is big into hunting and is constantly spending time away from the family because he is always doing the things that are important to him. He is so disconnected and detached from our family life he doesn't even know the things that are going on with our children. I not only handle all the wifely duties around the house but I am forced to do repairs in my house, also work from home, take the children to all there acticvities during the week and the weekends and make sure that everyones needs are met but the one big problem is there is no emotional connection between us anymore. I mentioned marital counseling, he said NO and he thinks nothing is wrong! What do you do in this case without damaging the children emotionally?

Respond to this comment

» left by Anonymous (22 days 23 hours ago.)

Have been married for 11 years, two young boys who are my life. Have been with my wife for 16 years. When I met her at the age of 23, I had just got out of a very intoxicating young romance. When i met her, i loved her smile. I loved thath she was simple and thought immediately that she would be the kind to be a great wife and great mother. She came from a loving, but cloistered home. Old fashioned values, but sweet and wholesome. Not like the rest of the field out there at the time. We dated for 5 years, so i decided marriage was the next step. First 3 yeasrs were great. Then we tried starting a family, it all fell apart. The strain of not getting pregnant lasted 5 years. I was so ready to gove up that I took up a close relationship with a woman at work. At first she provided me with all that i was looking for, intimate conversation, excitement, dreams. The sex was ok but the passion was tremendous. I knew that what was missing from my life. But, all the while my mistress wanted me to leave my wife, i just couldn't. I never wanted another relationship to be founded on another's hurt. It dragged on for a while and then after I made a drastic career change to save me from a life of boredome, we finally got pregnant. A decision was then made for me. I stayed with the wife. I figured the risk i took with my career would give me the apssion i needed, and the son we had would take care of the marriage. It is now 4 blurry years later and we have another beautiuful son. Problem is, I have been derpressed the whole time because I never took on the problems of working on me.

 

I am now at the crossroads of my life. My wife is a good looking woman, who is a great mother and very good wife. Problem is, we dont have intellectual stimulating conversations, she depends on me for everything, I no longer desire her sexually, we are mired in a mass of debt and I simply dont feel the same. I surely dont wantt o live without my boys and would be forced to get very creative if I ever had to live on my own. I simply wouldnt make it.

 

I have decided though, that my unhappiness is not good enough to leave just yet. we have decided to tlak and work on home counsleling to see if we can provide eachother with what is missing. I am hopeful but not overly confident.

 

It seems s though the things loved about my ife when we were first married , are he things that drive me away. I also blame myself for thinking to idealisticly but it alwasy comes down to me thinking too much.

 

But why can't I beleive in fate? Why cant I beleieve that nothing lasts forever? Life is short no? Shold marriage have to be this hard? Would I be tter person and father as an ex wehn I discover my happiness?

 

SO here's what we are goingto do. We talked and we are goingto work on ourselves first. Im goingto cut out my bad habits, start exercising, read more and get us a financial plan. She is going to try to worry less, have more time and energy for me and try to find a hobby in which we can do together.

 

It will be a long road ahead...and if it doesnt work out, i know that I had given my all. I just want to feel alive again, feel a spark, have romance and passion...and my problem right now is that the guilt I feel for wanting me to be happy and the expense of a very difficult and costly divorce. I worry about my kids first, but we both now we are good parents and they will be fine.

 

Im very sad today, but I have decided to get on the path less travled, give it a solid try and then reevaluate. I write this with tears in my eyes and an aching heart, but I need to face these problems head on.

 

Am i wrong for feeling this way?

Respond to this comment

» left by Anonymous (19 days 14 hours ago.)

i am so glad that i found this artical it has helped a lot...i have been married for about 15 months and out of that we have slept in the same room twice. we have 3 girls and i am the most unhappiest i have ever been in my life with this man ,he is selfish nasty with his mouth man i have ever met he lies to stop any argument that we may have for his stupidity but he lies about everything so there is no trust and now he is staying out all night. he never tells me what he is doing but he expects me to know. i want to end this so called marriage but due to the girls i am finding it hard i dont think i even care anymore if he lives or dies it is that bad i never want him to come home and find ways for him to go out and if he doesnt want to go out then i go out. i dream of having an affair and who it would be with but i am unable to due to my vows not because i care about his feelings. i have tried to talk to him and i have even sat at this computer and typed out what i need from him and asked him what he needs from me ,his only response is i need nothing i have it all with you but when it comes to what i need he tells me that i am pre-menstral even when i have just had a monthly......i want it to be over so bad but i dont want to hurt my girls he is a wonderful father just a horrible husband and man

Respond to this comment

» left by Anonymous (17 days 2 hours ago.)

I have been married 20 years, married at the age of 18 (I think this was the first mistake). We have 2 teenage children, a beautiful home, good jobs and lots of debt. Finances are not really an issue, we are able to pay our bills without difficulty, but I feel I'm trapped because of them. We are like room mates more than husband & wife and have been so for quite some time. When we argue it's about little things, he thinks I'm attacking him or controlling him whenever I make a suggestion or if I were to shut off the lights that don't need to be on during the day. We only have sex approximately every 3 months or so. I've tried so many times to be intimate, and he is just "not in the mood" or he says he's uncomfortable with himself. I don't believe he's having an affair. He started drinking more heavily (not really excessively, but more often) about 3-4 months ago. He would anger quickly (never physically) with myself and the kids. I told him I thought he was depressed and that medication may help. He did eventually go on anti-depressants, which seemed to help the "quick to anger" aspect of things. Still drinks but not as much. We still argue, he still thinks I'm controlling him, we still don't have sex. I feel trapped, unloved and hopeless in my marriage. He says he loves me, eveything looks great from the "outside", meaning people would have no clue we even have issues. We get into arguments, he apologizes. He says he will set up counseling, it hasn't been done yet. He promises to change things/do things and doesn't. I feel so lost and unhappy. I want to talk to someone but feel if I do it'll "shatter the appearance". I cry more & sleep less. I think I may seek counseling myself at least to talk to someone. I don't think of having an affair, I long to be with him....I just don't know how much longer I can live in a "fake" marriage. I told him last night we just have to make it until the youngest graduated high school (4 more years). I just don't know what to do anymore....

Respond to this comment

» left by brandy from oklahoma (6 days 19 hours ago.)

i've been with my husband for 13 years. for the 1st ten yrs i was unable to go places & do things with him due to a condition with my child. i told him over & over again how lonely i was but it never mattered he still went fishing hunting over to his friends & even on ski trips leaving me alone. i begged for his attention & affection & never got it. i ended up having a long time affair with a friend. i left my husband for a month he begged me to come home promised everything would change & so i thought i'd give it a chance afterall 13 yrs is along time & we have a child together. everything was great for a month then he had an arguement with his grown son who told him exactly what he thought of me & my husbands defense of me was to tell his son that i wasnt in my right mind when the affair happened. since thier arguement everythings the way it was before im miserable & lonely. i could go back to the man i was with he still loves me & would give me everything i need. i dont know what to do but being this lonely & unhappy isnt good for anyone. any advise? should what his son had to say really affect us this much? its been a month & im all alone again.

Respond to this comment

» left by Larry Bilotta from Green Bay Wisconsin (2 days 11 hours ago.)

I'm Larry Bilotta, author of this article. It's generated 10 posts. All of them venting about their bad situations. Does venting solve problems? I've not seen venting solve anything except relieve temporary pressure. About 65% of the students in my 8 hour Environment Changer course have spent hours with therapists…venting, venting, venting.

 

I don't believe you really want to vent. I believe it's all you've ever known and so that's all you continue to do. If it were up to me, I would want you to be free. A spouse cannot take your freedom and make you suffer. The real reason you're not free is because something inside you is fighting the painful people in your life. That "something" inside has made those people your enemy, and IT is your source of suffering. Those people are not the source.

 

Here's a note I just received from one of my Environment Changer students, Renae, explaining her new freedom;

 

Larry,

 

Thanks for your encouragement on our call a few days ago. My life is changing so fast now, it's hard for me to process it all. I am doing things I would NEVER have done in my old life!

 

I never thought I would:

 

1-stand up to my boss and defend myself.

 

2-make a spontaneous trip to see my parents.

 

3-make a decision without my husband's approval.

 

4-drive to the airport in the middle of a huge biker convention.

 

5-shrug my shoulders and say"there will be another flight" when they cancel it and everyone is furious...except me.

 

My estranged husband even called and wished me a safe trip and offered to drive me to the airport!

 

I am incredibly blessed!

 

Thanks, Larry!

Renae

 

She's free.  She has nothing to vent but gratitude.

Larry Bilotta

Respond to this comment

Was this article helpful to you? Leave a Public Comment or Question: