Last night, my husband and I had dinner with a couple who are friends of ours that we truly enjoy being around. Without knowing their past, one looking in would believe that two of them have been together forever. However, they both are on their second marriage.
I listened as the woman explained that her daughter was upset for having to miss our visit. She is at her court ordered visits with her dad. Their ten-year-old daughter has had to grow up pretty fast and as I left their house last night I came to the realization that divorce is not a good thing no matter how bad a relationship is. My heart sank as I thought about having to be away from your kids during a summer, holidays, or just for everyday events. Yet, people and kids go through this everyday. Why as parents would we let ourselves believe that divorce is the best decision during rough times in a marriage?
I listened to my friend this summer as she worried about her daughter’s wellbeing and the horror stories of things she faced while she was gone. My heart was broken. You see, this all hit home. There have been countless times in my past that divorce seemed logical.
I mean as a society, we view divorce daily as we stand in the supermarket line reading the entertainment magazines, in the media, around our friends-it seems divorce is everywhere we turn.
What I have come to realize over the years is that divorce is not a good thing for anyone involved. It tears up families, friendships, work situations, etc. and the thought of it scares me to death. As I left last night, I viewed my husband differently. I was scared. I think being scared of divorce is not a bad thing, if it scares you into taking the necessary steps to preserve your marriage.
So after a year of particular tough times in my marriage these are the tips I have found that have seemed to help our relationship grow instead of stall.
Make Christ the Center of Your Marriage
About three years ago, my husband and I attended counseling at our church. It was where we first heard this statement. At the time, it seemed kind of artificial, but two years later it finally clicked in our heads. I think at some point in every marriage, if you want success, you have to have a “Come to Jesus" meeting so to speak. Prayer and Bible study are important on an individual level, but it is essential in a marriage, I have learned the hard way.
My mom asked me after that first counseling session, “So you are going to choose God over your husband?" She was in shock, “I did not raise someone to put religion before their family." I will admit it was hard to turn to God instead of my husband with daily gripes, dependence, concerns, joy, etc. But what turned out almost as an oxymoron in the beginning - spending more time with God instead of my husband - turned out to be the greatest benefit. It became easier. Humans fail. God does not. Humans can’t meet every need. God can.
Commit
This is probably the hardest step in making a marriage successful. Divorce should not even be a word in your vocabulary when you talk to your spouse. My husband and I lived together before we got married, we had mastered the art of being non-committal. Because let’s face it, whatever lie you use to convince yourself that living together before marriage is good is truly a cover for the fear of committing. Our relationship was a poster case for this. Four years of non-committing.
When we were angry, we could always leave. If we wanted to be unfaithful-what was there to stop us? There were no marriage certificate, no vows before God, etc. This attitude carried into our marriage and almost destroyed it. I still had the mindset to pack up the car and run home every time things got difficult and he still could turn to someone else to meet his needs of admiration.
Couples who have been married the longest all refer to commitment as their reason for happiness. You have to be in it for the long haul. As a single you have good days and bad days. The same is true in marriage. Does this mean you are going to run each time it is bad? Think about your own faults. Are you happy with yourself 365 days a year? So how can you expect your spouse to be as well? The best advice I ever received on commitment was to wake up every morning and view your spouse as a gift from God and then thank God for all their wonderful attributes. Easy? Not always, but essential.
Communicate
Why is it so hard to say what we mean? This is without a doubt the biggest struggle I face everyday with my husband. I have low self-esteem. So I have difficulty asking for things or saying what I really mean. I want him to have this mind-reading capability and be able to meet every need and want that I have. Hello, was I an idiot or what? I am not saying that you should not strive to meet the needs, wants or dreams of your spouse, but sometimes they need help figuring out what those needs and dreams are and reading minds is a skill they really don’t have. So I have enjoyed learning this past year. Sharing your wants, hurts, etc. is communicating with your spouse. Try it.
Laugh Together
Psalm 126:2 says, “Our mouths were filled with laughter." No matter how bad you are arguing if you can find any moment of laughter-you can almost guarantee everything is going to be ok. Laughter feels good and part of being married is learning to laugh at things. We all make mistakes and it is a good sign if we can get to the point where we are laughing again together, not at each other just together.
Sense of humor is essential in happy marriages and daily laughter should be something a couple strives at doing.
Proactively Protect Your Marriage
Lets face it: there will always be someone willing to meet your spouse’s wants and needs. As a couple, it is extremely important to set boundaries so that your relationship does not fall prey to a member of the opposite sex. How do you do this? By not emailing, talking on the phone, eating out with, striking up conversations or flirting with any members of the opposite sex. Set boundaries and respect yourself and your spouse enough to live by them.
If you are seeking a divorce, my advice is to seek professional help, visit a church counselor, etc. Exhaust all options before going through with it. It really is not the best thing for those involved, despite what society says. Don’t fall for that lie. It will hurt all involved.
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