Taking Control of Life's Changes

“Why me?" cried Emily, wondering what else could possibly go wrong. She had just learned that her company was downsizing. Even though she would keep her job, she would be working for a new boss, with the fear of further cut backs nagging at what was left of her peace of mind. The previous week, she had learned that her elderly father had been diagnosed with Alzheimer ’s disease. Since then, she had been arguing with her sister and brother about home care options, and worrying herself sick about her Mom and Dad. Having to adjust to a new boss and dealing with the news of her Dad’s illness, on top of struggling to communicate and discipline her oldest daughter’s rebellious teen-aged alter ego, was becoming too much to bear. So many changes at once were driving Emily to the brink of severe depression.

Dealing with any one of these three major life events would be difficult for anyone. With so many things changing so fast in her life, it is no wonder Emily assumed a victim attitude. Being trapped in an endless cycle of changes made her feel helpless and defeated. She began to give up, shut down, and check out of her life at work and at home.

Why do we have such a hard time dealing with change? Changes like those facing Emily can make us feel as though our life is out of control. Emily’s first step toward crawling out of her hole of apathy to feel whole again is to accept that she can not control the changes that occurred – but realize what she can control is how she reacts to them. Our attitude directly affects how well we are able to deal with change.

“We cannot choose the things that will happen to us. But we can choose the attitude we will take toward anything that happens. Success or failure depends on your attitude." ~ Alfred A. Montapert

Once Emily realized that she needed to take control by reacting constructively to the changes that had occurred in her life, she was ready to tackle the changes with an action-oriented approach. With her situation at work, she accepted the reasons for the downsizing and began to look for opportunities to get to know her new boss. She set up a meeting with him to present a brief on her project, shared her experiences at the company, and learned about his expectations of her. This meeting helped to form the basis of a positive relationship with her boss. What would have happened to Emily if she had not been proactive and continued to feel like a victim, longing for the days when she worked for her old boss, and just going through the motions at work? Quite possibly, her new boss would be quick to recommend that Emily be one of the first employees to receive a pink slip in the event that the company experienced future downsizing.

To help deal with her Dad’s illness, she joined a local Alzheimer’s support group. While it was still painful to see her Dad progressively deteriorate and eventually pass away, she developed some of her best friendships through this group. Emily realized there was nothing she could do to prevent her Dad from suffering with this disease, but what if she hadn’t found that support group? She was grateful to have the encouragement and help from her new friends as she dealt with that family crisis. And she still cherishes those friendships today.

In life, change is constant. Emily saw this first hand through her teen-aged daughter’s sudden growth spurt, complete with instant rebellion and disobedience. She remembered how tough she’d had it as a teenager. Emily talked with her Mom about those years in her life. She used her Mom’s advice to deal with her own daughter. Ignoring her daughter, given all of Emily’s troubles at work and with her Dad, would have been easy. Ironically, those two difficult situations helped to bring Emily and her daughter closer together. In the case of dealing with her Dad’s illness, it helped Emily, her Mom, and her daughter to build stronger family ties. And to learn how to use a new software program she needed to run at work, Emily enlisted the help of her computer-savvy daughter, rewarding her for her assistance by restoring her myspace.com website (after it was edited by Emily, and her daughter agreed to future monitoring, of course). Once Emily accepted that her daughter’s changes were a natural part of growing up, she began to interact more effectively with her.

Just as it was inappropriate for Emily to feel like a victim in the midst of change, it’s also unhelpful to adopt a martyr-like attitude. Never take blame for changes that occur outside of your control. Feeling that you should suffer because it’s just your “luck of the draw", you “had it coming to you", or you feel you deserve it does nothing to help the situation or your level of acceptance. This is a typical response to dealing with unexpected changes in other people, such as a good friend suddenly cutting ties with you, or someone you love deciding to break off your relationship or ask for a divorce. Usually, people do things for their reasons, not yours. Remember to accept that you cannot control change that occurs when it is forced on you – but realize what you can control is how you react to this change.

Keeping a positive attitude throughout the change process is the first step to effectively deal with change. Assuming the victim or martyr-like attitude will limit your ability to see the possibilities for positive outcomes in your difficult situation. Any type of change that is forced on you will make things difficult in the short term, but the quicker you adapt, the sooner you can take control of life’s changes and prevent them from taking control of you.

What about those major life changes that are not forced on you? There are certainly many self-initiated changes that are easier to handle than unexpected changes with loved ones, sudden illness, or changes at work, but they can still cause unanticipated stress in your life. How could the joy of bringing a new baby into the world be stressful? First-time parents may be surprised. What about the exciting anticipation of starting that new job you’ve been dreaming of your entire career? When climbing your career ladder, be careful about stepping up to the next rung. My next column will provide you advice on dealing with the changes associated with these new beginnings.