Generally you find divorce stressful because you have a great deal of yourself tied up in a relationship with someone you once loved or still love, and the divorce is much more than merely the legal process of saying "We're no longer a couple." It's a multi-dimensional untangling of connections, separating two lives from one operational unit back into your individual lives. What you feel as emotional stress (loss, frustration, worry, anger and hurt, etc.) is the result of conflict – two opposing forces pushing or pulling against each other. One layer of conflict is the two of you no longer seeing eye to eye. Another, ultimately more important layer, relates to your own inner conflict over how to view the divorce, your ex and yourself. Many of your old and dear notions about how your life "should" unfold are being dashed on the rocks of someone else's expectations.
Light at the End of the Tunnel
How can you use the turmoil of such a messy and difficult time to actually lift yourself to a higher level of living? It’s actually possible to go through a divorce (or the break-up of a long term relationship) without losing yourself, and to turn this stressful period into the positive growth experience of your life! You may be in such distress right now that it’s challenging to see how anyone could find anything of value in such an experience. If so, take a deep breath, steady yourself, and read a little further.
While each divorce is unique and the problems and needs of the couple who are “coming unglued" from each other vary widely, there are some common challenges and strategies for overcoming them. What I want you find in this article is 1) encouragement, and 2) several ideas that you can immediately apply to your individual situation.
First of all, I know you can move out of the paralyzing pain of ending a marriage or relationship and into a positive and growthful outlook, because I did it! Not once, but twice. At age 27, despite deep emotional wounds, I made a decision that my divorce would be as amicable as possible. We were able to go through a no-fault procedure, and remained on peaceful speaking terms. I sought psychological counseling for a few months to support my process of reflection and redefining my life and my goals. I then embarked on a life-changing adventure, traveling to England where I lived and worked for two years.
In my late thirties, after a seven-year live-in relationship in which we were growing farther and farther apart, I said to my mate, “I think we can be better friends if we don’t live together." I moved out and we handled property division in a simple and caring way. We had many lunches together to sort out feelings and find a basis for an ongoing friendship. Later, he met and happily “approved of" the man who is now my husband. To this day, we are friends and we speak by phone a few times a year.
In the early months after splitting up, I did a tremendous amount of personal growth work with myself, based on reading, counseling, and experiences through church and other spiritual groups. You get to choose how far you want to take your growth process, but you absolutely do not have to settle for on-going misery!
Here are five brief comments based on personal experience, plus some suggestions to help you chart your course through the many stressors of your divorce.
1. No Blame.
Knowing that every relationship has two players, and both are involved in the dynamics of how the relationship works or doesn’t work, we wanted to avoid blame and keep the process as clean, clear and loving as possible. We each knew that splitting up is painful enough, and we needed to bring extra loving and acceptance to the process.
What You Can Do:
When you find yourself blaming your ex, stop. Focusing on blame only locks your consciousness into the problem and creates more stress. Your unconscious mind says, “Oh, you are really putting a lot of energy into this problem . . . this must be what you want. . . ." Your unconscious mind then resonates on the stressful “problem frequency," and attracts more of “the problem" into your life. (For a quick and easy guide to how this attraction principle works, you might want to watch the movie The Secret, available on line.)
Instead, when you are tempted to blame, you might tell yourself something like one of these statements:
• “I would much prefer that this didn’t happen the way it did. However, since it happened, obviously it provides a perfect opportunity for me to learn and grow now." Then look for what you are learning from that experience. What’s the nugget of gold nestling within all the chaos, disturbance and stress?
• “That was what it was. What can I do now to move forward?" Focus on what you need to do next to take care of yourself now! How can you solve an immediate problem? (This will help with stress reduction on a very practical level.) What will help you create the new life you deserve, filled with love, harmony and prosperity? Take one small action step in your new direction, now.
• Or, find the things in your life right now that you can be thankful for, and fill yourself with gratitude. This might be as mundane as, “I’m grateful for a hot shower. I’m grateful for my toothbrush and clean teeth. I’m grateful for a bed to sleep in." When you are grateful, tension and stress dissolve and your unconscious mind goes to work where you are focusing – on bringing you more relaxation and well-being, and more things to be grateful for!
Stopping the blame game redirects your energy into more positive avenues and frees you to focus on what you want for yourself!
2. Go Ahead and Grieve.
We each acknowledged deep feelings of loss, and we went through the many stages of grieving, not denying the hurt but embracing ourselves in the grieving process.
What You Can Do:
Be aware that grieving is a multi-stage process and the stages do not unfold neatly like pages in a book. The stages of grief can be unpredictable, unruly, and unsettling in the extreme.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross has identified several processes, beginning with shock and paralysis at the bad news. (“We’re getting divorced.") Most people experience denial, trying to avoid what is so, and anger over what they are facing. Many will bargain in vain – with God, with fate – saying, “If only you’ll change this, I’ll change my ways forever!" When people realize the inevitable, they often enter a time of depression. Later they may test their world, seeking workable solutions. When they eventually find their way forward, they have entered into acceptance.
Be compassionate with yourself and your process of grieving. This jumble of feelings is normal. Find safe ways to release your emotions, like talking to a trusted friend, writing in a journal, or walking or more vigorous exercise. If you find your emotions are frightening, or lasting unusually long, see your doctor or seek professional counseling.
3. Hold a Loving Intention.
We each knew that our ex had many positive qualities or we wouldn’t have been attracted to him or her in the first place. We each cultivated an attitude and intention of loving our way through the conflicts as much as possible, with an end point of – at the very least – neutrality or an impersonal unconditional love.
What You Can Do:
Spend some quiet time reflecting on how you want your divorce and divorce recovery process to end up. Can you imagine yourself being happy, loving, creative and fulfilled again? Can you imagine feeling neutral toward your ex? Can you imagine getting to a place (in time) of having a smooth working relationship – perhaps because you have children and need to handle visitation smoothly, or just because this is someone you once loved and you’d like to maintain a caring place in your heart for him or her?
If you are too angry, hurt and stressed right now to even imagine how such a switch is possible, it might be easier simply to focus on what you want for yourself as a loving intention. In time, as you feel better inwardly, you might be willing to create a vision of a neutral or positive future relationship as two separate entities – even if you can’t yet see how to get there!
In truth, you don’t need to know how it will happen. If you set a clear loving intention, the universe will bring you the steps you need to take in perfect timing, and the support so that you can take those steps. Vividly imagine yourself happy, joyful, blessed with fulfilling love and abundance in every way. Picture the kind of life you want, and imagine the way you want to feel. Make it real in your imagination and allow your unconscious mind to go to work to bring this picture into reality in perfect timing for you.
You might begin to talk to yourself along these lines: “I don’t know how it can work, but my intention is to experience a neutral, caring working relationship with my ex. I am willing to see things differently. I am willing to allow room for things to shift so that I can come to a neutral or even loving place inwardly, to work things out for the highest good of all concerned."
Find your own positive words that make sense for you, but go for the best possible scenario you can imagine. Hold a vision, or a sense of what the end result can be. For instance, imagine seeing yourself handling visitation with humor, ease, respect and caring – and it’s mutual, and your kids are thriving because of your attitude. See it, feel it, and imagine or hear the positive flow of conversation.
4. Take Care of Yourself.
We each knew that our first relationship was with our own inner self. For me, nurturing myself physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually was a huge key for success in getting through each break up.
What You Can Do:
Be extra kind and gentle with yourself. When a relationship is crumbling to bits, it is natural to wonder, “What if I had done xyz differently?" It is also natural to feel some guilt or self-judgment, such as, “If only I hadn’t done such and such." Or, “I shouldn’t have said abc."
When these self-judgments and self-doubts arise, have compassion for yourself. You were doing the best you knew how at the time, given what you knew and what you had to work with. So why judge yourself now? That only adds a heavier burden to an already difficult emotional state within you.
You can also actually apply self-forgiveness, making statements to counteract the judgmental thoughts, such as, “I forgive myself for judging myself as being to blame. I forgive myself for judging myself as a loser. I forgive myself for judging myself as . . . (fill in the blank)." Do this as often as necessary, and give yourself space to let this forgiveness fill you emotionally. When you do, you will allow room for your self-loving to grow again.
Use your loving intention to guide your next steps in taking care of yourself. Ask yourself each morning, “What’s one thing I can do for myself today, just for me? What’s the most loving thing I can do or give to myself today?" When you are faced with choices and dilemmas, ask yourself, “What’s the most loving choice here?" Your answers could be most anything, from talking to your best friend to seeking a counselor for professional support, from taking a bubble bath to taking a bike ride. The most loving choice could be to freeze your credit cards so you’ll think carefully before using them again. What would be the most loving and nurturing thing you could do for yourself right now?
5. Learn from the Past and Let It Go.
We each had learning to assimilate based on the relationship just ending. I knew that I needed to become more aware and make changes inwardly so that I wouldn’t repeat my mistakes in any new relationship.
What You Can Do:
Reflect on the things that didn’t work. If you enjoy journal writing, write about them. Take a good look, without blaming either of you. See if you can simply observe the dynamics. Now look for what you learned from those situations. What were the gems of learning? What might you choose to do differently if you faced a similar situation again? Sometimes the learning is simply, “Well, I don’t want to do that again!"
Then look for the clues that led up to that disastrous situation, so you’ll know what to avoid in the future. My husband likens this process to sticking a bright marker in the ground so you can avoid “stepping into a well." Next, acknowledge and appreciate yourself for learning from the past.
Now bless these past situations – they are history! – and let them go! You might imagine letting them float away and dissipate like clouds in a sunny sky. All you need to keep is your valuable learning. If you find yourself returning to thoughts of these past events, do a quick check: “Is there something more for me to learn from this?" If so, make that awareness conscious. Jot it down for future use. Then let it all go again!
These events from the past are not who you are today. You are much bigger in consciousness than your divorce, your emotions, and any problems that you may face. You are bigger than this package of stressors involved in creating an individual life for yourself again.
In conclusion, don’t think you have to settle for years of a miserable, bleak outlook. You have choices every hour about how to approach the process of your divorce. Even though the relationship is changing form, and the two of you will not be loving each other the same way you did initially, you can still love yourself more and more each day! You can drop the blame and begin to look at your ex in a neutral way. You can be compassionate with your process of grieving. You can take small but powerful steps each day to resolve your problems. You can reduce stress by learning to take good care of yourself. You can learn from the past and let it go! You can hold a loving intention and begin to create a wonderful future.
I encourage you to take any one of the strategies above and put it to work as you get busy taking your next steps from heartbreak to healing. Start preparing right now to claim an even better life ahead!
Dr. Ilenya empowers you to love yourself into success and less stress with principles of holistic psychology and practical spirituality. She's a popular speaker and author of e-book, The Power of Personal Peace: Reducing Stress by Loving Yourself from the Inside Out.
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