There are many reasons one may spew out words of hurtful anger, but so many times, the situation can change, if we help it along. When we stub our toe or fall outside, or had a bad day, we are prone to let our voices get out of hand and our words mimic the devil in disguise. If we have kids, there is always something to do or cleanup. Do we really want them growing up blaming everything that angers them or changes their mood?
A good rule of thumb is not to say or act in any inappropriate way in front of our kids. This is hard to do, but not impossible once one focuses on the fact that those words will be around forever. We can only create what we know how to do, so if we are having problems with our language or in our marriage or with the neighbors, the best thing to do is be calm and fair about issues that may arise. My generation of the 50’s is not new to turmoil and strife.
We blame our parents and then there are those that scorn that train of thought (a parent who wants to get off the blame game after drinking alcohol everyday throughout the years, becoming angry, fighting and swearing at the wife, kids, and neighbors, and goes to sleep.) These are the very parents who don’t see a problem, but are faced with many when the kids go to school where they are taught better social skills.
There are a few skills I’ve picked up and I shall share them with you. One is distract. This is the first one I use. If someone is treating me in a way I dislike, I simply distract and walk away and do something else. I can say, "Let’s talk about this later" and sometimes, it will work, sometimes it will not. We each have our own person to manage and control, and that is ourselves. I try to stay in wise mind, where everything is working well, but nothing is perfect, and we are all human with human frailties to iron out.
Wise mind helps me keep my feelings straightened out. I may be mad, but I don’t want things to escalate any further, so to distract and remove myself for the time being is the best I have found that I can do and succeed at. Next, there is effectively. Focus on what works to meet your objectives. If you know that if you don’t travel down a precarious road, and keep your thoughts positive and calm, then why go there?
If something does come up, I can also self soothe by taking a bath, going shopping, taking a nap, or gliding on the swing. To improve the moment, I will try to say something nice, and if that doesn’t work, distract and radical acceptance. As we learn how to apply these principles in our lives, our lives will get more focused and more enjoyable. As humans, I think we all want to be the top dog, and therefore, we fight back. We also want to stand up for ourselves, so we get angrier and may spew some of those other negative words right off the top of our tongue.
Gone, but not forgotten. Then there’s the ignoring period, whether it be with a friend, a partner, or a co worker. We may even be baffled how to approach this other person with an apology. All this can be avoided if we stay in wise mind, focus on what we are doing at the time, and pray that we are doing what He wants of us. Reaching for a skill is so much easier on all parts of our minds and bodies. Studying these skills is so important, and when assimilated into our brains, we will know what to do at any given time. This avoids so much down time, and helps us be the best we can be.
I wish I had been introduced to these skills 20 years ago, when my 3 little ones were running around driving me crazy. If I knew how to talk to them in the right way, I’m sure things would have worked out better. Any influence should be positive and effective, and now I have many skills to choose from. It’s up to me to put them to good use. I no longer have to be right, nor do I need to get my own way. Any argument is better left to wise mind and many are avoidable if we just use the skills to help us. Any time we can use these skills to help settle an argument, or stop one altogether, we can be calmer, focused, and at peace with ourselves and others