Most of us want our feelings heard and respected. Everyone wants to feel appreciated. We want to feel good about ourselves so when we feel we are not being heard or respected we tend to want to lose our temper. Sometimes this temper is filled with animosity and anger, even though you may love the other person. However, due to the fact that we are human, we make mistakes and if we’re lucky, we’ll have some outside support in friends and therapists while going through a rough time.
We simply want to be right. We want our opinions to be validated and the work we do acknowledged and appreciated. Moment to moment, there is reality, and we have to learn how to deal with it in a calm and peaceful way. We need to be our own mediators. It is a learned skill, but one that is very useful during any type of confrontation. Once we feel confident with ourselves, it’s easier to handle others in a different and more productive way. The trick is to overcome the emotions others have made us feel.
I have learned that I don’t have to stick up for myself. I know who I am. If someone says a car is green, and I think it’s blue, I don’t have to argue over it. I can "stay silent." I don’t say a word. I listen to what the other person has to say and then remove myself from that person for a while, and think about what they said. Is there any truth in what they were saying in an angry and agitated way? Are there changes you could work on to help the relationship not only survive, but thrive? Life is a compromise to a great degree.
Once others see how you handle your emotions, they generally follow suit. If they are used to us yelling and screaming and throwing things when we get angry, they will definitely see the difference when that type of behavior stops. They will hopefully absorb the freedom that not being angry all the time gives to our mind, heart and soul. It frees us from ourselves and our bad habits and should lead to a time where communication is civil and calm. There are always going to be challenges in our lives. Learning to deal with them, change them, and live a happier life is our goal.
All of my life, I have felt the need to prove myself, to get my point across, and show others my opinion was right. I no longer have to do that. Hey, you want to spell cat kat, I no longer care. If I can help somebody with any knowledge I might have on a subject, and they are open to listening and focusing on what I am saying, I will engage. If I just washed the kitchen floor, and one of my kids had spilled orange juice all over, I could blow up. I could swear and put down the person who did so, probably leaving them with negativity and shame in their heart.
I didn’t have the skills I have now when my kids were growing up. Yes, it would have made a big difference. I would have been calmer and more careful of my words when I got angry. I would have simply gotten some paper towels and wiped it up. The way I would react was way overboard. Yes, my time meant something to me. Cleaning the kitchen was the task, cleaning up a spill should mean nothing. None of us are going to make the right decisions all the time, but with knowledge of changing those behaviors, life can really open up for us.
I don’t think anyone wants to be upset or angry but we need to pick our priorities. Is it the juice we need to focus on, or the way we reacted when it spilled? How do we want others to see us? Someone who goes nuts ten times a day, or someone who is open and honest and working on themselves and their environment? The proof is actually putting this "no answering back" into play in our lives.
The big fad of words nowadays is "drama." Nobody wants to go through trauma.
Then why create it? Drama is part of life. Very few skate through without having had any problems, but I believe we are here to learn. I believe the strongest people can learn more with each new day. They will focus on certain skills, and try to improve the quality of their lives and that of those close to them. Not everyone is willing to go through the time and effort to focus on their behavior either when alone or surrounded by others. I give those who do, my respect and loyalty.