Welcome to my Rotary Club. I am recruiting new members worldwide. Read no further if you are thinking of the business-service club, famous in many communities for over 100 years. My club membership is devoted to bringing back the old rotary or crank phones from back in the day. Why would anyone contemplate such an odd venture?
Let me tell you why.
First of all, the old phones were large enough to see and less frustrating to operate. When Barney Fife clicked on his phone in the jailhouse in Mayberry, he never got disconnected, never had to be near a tower and never had to reach for his reading glasses.
He would say, “Sarah, connect to me to the diner – I’d like to speak with Juanita."
Then he could whisper sweet little things into her ear, without allowing all the jailhouse inmates the opportunity to hear what he was saying. In short, he didn’t have to YELL at the top of his voice. Those were the good old days.
Whether you are using cell phones, new cordless models of house phones, or just plain tone models with a cord, allow me to tell you a few things that you may not know.
These phones are not made here on Earth. They are imported from the planet Micron. The inhabitants there have little hands about the size of those possessed by the GEICO gecko. Those beings have no trouble using the tiny phones, but here on Earth, humans have some difficulty, and I have way more difficulty than most others.
I suspect that those aliens (via tiny micro-video cameras hidden in the present-day phones) are watching me. In fact, I bet I’m the most famous star ever seen on their most popular TV show titled, “Micronites Behaving Badly." The audience there is no doubt laughing hysterically at me every week and will never vote me off the show. I am the equivalent of the winner on American Idol in that world. I know this, because…
We have three cordless phones in our home. When I get a call, I just want to answer it and say what needs to be said, and that’s all. I do not need all the tiny buttons and hundreds of options.
But, the aliens (more intelligent than humans) equipped my phones, each differently. One of them has a FLASH button. Another has a TALK button, and the third has an ON button. All three buttons are supposed to have the same function, but none of the buttons are in the same location on the phones. So I have trouble just answering the phone. Most of the time, I can’t. And I am sure that I’m a real sight to those watching.
This may be a typical dialogue in Micron. “I’ll help you with the dishes tonight, Martha. I don’t want you to miss the beginning of the show starring the far-sighted Earthling. Last week he was hilarious."
On rare occasions when I luck out and get the call answered, I seem to always get the beep, indicating another call is coming in. In the good old days, getting another call was un-heard-of. And if you did cut the first caller short for some reason, it was known as being RUDE. You see, the Micronites are a rude race, and they enjoy watching each of us Earthlings cut each other off dozens of times each day. The lottery in Micron (used to benefit senior Micronites) is based on wagers taken as to how many times we humans are rude to each other, while using our phones. And they get quite a kick out of it – at our expense.
I do not provide any entertainment for them regarding rudeness – not because I am against it, but because I am still incapable of placing someone on hold. Not only my fingers are way too fat to use these phones, but also my eyes cannot read one thing on the keypad.
And I constantly forget where I last placed my reading glasses. For all I know, the Micronites may beam those up somehow to frustrate me more.
I can imagine another conversation between TV viewing Microns saying, “Look, Martha! That Earthling is flipping out again. He thinks he has misplaced his glasses. What a doofus!"
“Yeah, and I heard that the programmers are going to hide his medication for next week’s show. That should be comical."
The amusement grows for the aliens. They not only find our antics to be downright hilarious, but they find it particularly odd that we actually PAY FOR THIS PHONE SERVICE.
I bet they would give us our phones and service totally free, as long as they could get their kicks out of witnessing our peculiar behavior. But, as long as we are obliging them by paying for our phones, they just take in the bucks as a bonus to the entertainment.
Well, I am no longer going to give them the satisfaction - hence my pledge is devoted to an all-out recruitment for my Rotary Club. Will you help me out? Will you join the ROTARY? Will you take a stand against the Micronites? Or, will you continue to use the phone services that seem to be taking over our world?
I just remembered - I am using a wireless connection and at any time, the service may…... Damn !
» left by Avis Ward from SC (2 years 92 days ago.)
Hilarious! Entertaining! True and well-written! Loved the images, too! Thanks for sharing! Respond to this comment
» left by LucyLu (2 years 90 days ago.)
Good job - entertaining and so true ! It reminded me of my husband and his experiences with modern phones. It must be a "male" thing. LucyLu of Central PA Respond to this comment
» left by Anonymous (2 years 89 days ago.)
Great writing ! Your sense of humor is fantastic. If others have not seen this author's other site, please take a look. It's worth it. Mary Jane - Pittsburgh, PA Respond to this comment
» left by nancy from Florida (2 years 89 days ago.)
It's One in the morning and I couldn't sleep. Glad I got up and read this article. Great Job, and so true. A good thing that the younger generation can see the key pads without glasses, or these new phones would never have taken off the way they did. I still use my standard black desk model and will continue to do so. Respond to this comment
» left by KMAC from PA (2 years 89 days ago.)
Hard to believe this guy taught science for 30+ years.....image what a fantastic English teacher he would have been! Respond to this comment
» left by Bob Drumheller from Springfield, PA (2 years 89 days ago.)
Excellent views and all correct. Nothing irks me more than getting put on hold while the person on the other end answers another call. Respond to this comment
» left by Dan mihalko from Oak Hill, VA (2 years 89 days ago.)
Great article, Dave. But you forgot to mention another feature that went with the rotary phones -- the party line. On a party line, anyone could listen in on a phone call if you were one of the 8 or 10 people on the party line. On second thought, we have that now. It's just the listeners are all with the NSA!
You'll probably also get a protest from the Micron Embassy down here in DC. They are very image-conscious.
Dan from Oak Hill,VA Respond to this comment
» left by SG from from DC (2 years 89 days ago.)
As someone who's been accused of being a phone-a-phobe, I agree! A phone should be a phone. Not a stereo. Not a typewriter. And certainly not a camera. I welcome The Rotary Club. Where do I sign up? Respond to this comment
» left by Jackie from Eagle Creek, OR (2 years 88 days ago.)
Funny and so true. Phones should be used only when necessary, not as entertainment (spoken as the old fart that I am). It's good that you don't work for the phone company or they'd fire your butt on the spot. Respond to this comment
» left by Deanna from Elton, Pa. (2 years 88 days ago.)
Loved the article and it was so true! Are we getting old? The younger generation seem to love these alien phones (but then again some of them look like they come from the planet micron.)
» left by Mary from Colorado (2 years 88 days ago.)
Very cute and all too true. Still, on those rare occasions when I use a "real" phone, I can't stand being tethered. Guess there's just no pleasing me.
Dave, I suggest you invest in a few more pairs of reading glasses. As many pacifiers as you once needed for the babies seem to be just about the right number of pairs. Respond to this comment
» left by Kate from Westerville, OH (2 years 88 days ago.)
So funny and so true...the flash button on every one of my phones is in a different spot. Thanks for the laugh. Respond to this comment
» left by Millie from Ohio (2 years 88 days ago.)
What a hoot, and so very true. I've hung up on more people because I can't find the flash button! The ever-changing technology is beyond me, and I hate to learn new things, so sign me up for your club NOW!! Respond to this comment
» left by Patty Rager from Mesa AZ (2 years 88 days ago.)
I thought the article was funny. It brought back many memories of the old rotary phones. Living in the desert, I can only use my cell phone sitting on my recliner: so I can relate. Respond to this comment
» left by MiMi (2 years 88 days ago.)
Loved this article.....Dave, you sure did waste 30 years teaching science...you should have been writing...you have a wonderful way with words.....lets hear more from you....thanks for the laughs and memories... Respond to this comment
» left by Arlene Cottle from Everett,PA (2 years 86 days ago.)
Loved It!!! Modern technology vs the old ways - I vote with Dave -give us the old phones!!!! Respond to this comment
» left by Maxzgrl from Gallitzin (2 years 86 days ago.)
I loved the reference to Barney Fife! Great Article, I am barely remember the rotary phones and dont think I can live without my cell phone. Respond to this comment
» left by Padawan from Washington DC (2 years 85 days ago.)
Great article! Respond to this comment
» left by MJS from Chicora,Pa (2 years 69 days ago.)
As usual, Dave hits the mark! While I love his humor, I cherish the wave of nostalgia that hits me when he mentions something I haven't thought about in forty+ years. Thanks for evoking such pleasant memories of a time gone by. Respond to this comment
» left by Sherry from Maryland (1 year 328 days ago.)
Also, in the event of an electric outage, portable phones do not work because the base has to be plugged into electricity, so portable phones are useless. One time a phone company person told me to make sure to have an old landline phone plugged into the phone socket in the wall in case of a storm. Hm, that should tell us something. So I got out the old pink Princess phone, which I like better than the confusing portable and cell phones anyway, and was relieved that safety prevails again! Respond to this comment
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or organization.
Welcome to my Rotary Club. I am recruiting new members worldwide. 
Read no further if you are thinking of the business-service club, famous in many communities for over 100 years. My club membership is devoted to bringing back the old rotary or crank phones from back in the day. Why would anyone contemplate such an odd venture? 
Whether you are using cell phones, new cordless models of house phones, or just plain tone models with a cord, allow me to tell you a few things that you may not know. 
