It is a natural progression of life on my side of the family. We don’t get to keep our teeth our entire lives, even when those lives are short lived. My choppers are long past the time of needing to be replaced by a store-bought set. But you know, having every tooth in your head pulled isn’t exactly an event one puts on the top of their “to do" list. It’s my time, however, so I thought I would share my feelings and worries with you in today’s column.
I have lost 45 pounds. The lines in my face, no longer being supported by a major influx of beer, have for the most part dissipated and I have shaved my moustache. These changes have made me look much younger, or so I have been told. Much younger that is until I open my mouth and smile. I honestly have a smile that would make Sue the dinosaur at the Field Museum cringe. My teeth have not only lost their enamel but have begun shifting around in my mouth. The other day when I was brushing my teeth an old pot roast from months ago fell out from between a couple molars. I know it’s time to say goodbye to these poorly constructed, non-operational, chunks of calcium I have had in my mouth for 57 years, but I tell you that ain't easy nor cheap.
I find it fascinating how much it costs to have teeth removed in this day and age. As a kid, a bad tooth cost ten bucks to get yanked. Now ten times that amount won’t get the job done for one and I’ve almost got a mouth full. I have never been one to question inflation when I was getting something for my money but it seems strange to have to spend so much just to have something permanently taken away from me. I guess it’s like paying to have a dead tree removed from your yard. You’re not really getting anything, but the yard will look better when the tree is gone. Of course, unlike your yard, you can’t leave your mouth empty. Well I suppose you could. My dad never liked his fake teeth and I remember his sitting at the dinner table gumming his meat to death as if it were yesterday.
There is something about a set of teeth that seems to be the finishing touch on a human head so I don’t think I could go around smiling with a vacuous pit in my mouth.
I have been debating removing my teeth myself since I am a do-it-yourself kind of guy but I think I should have done such an operation before I gave up drinking and not after. I tried the string around the doorknob and then around a tooth. So far I still have all my teeth but only one doorknob left in the house that’s operational.
I tried to yank them with a pair of channel locks wrapped in tape but my nose keeps getting in the way of a good grip so I have given up on doing the pulling myself.
Buying new choppers also has many dilemmas attached to their purchase. I fear getting a set that looks so fake that as soon as I open my mouth it is obvious my teeth came from somewhere other than my own mouth. I don’t want to get a nasty yellow set either since what would be the point in doing that. I already have a set of those for free. To have a realistic look, I thought about getting a real nice set with a piece of plastic broccoli permanently stuck between two of the teeth as the way to go. The broccoli would probably cost extra and I’m on a tight budget so I’ve given up on that idea.
Over the last few years I have asked older friends, about my mouth size, to leave me their teeth in their wills but none of them did, so I can’t go the donated route. There also seems to be no sources for repossessed or refurbished false teeth or at least I can’t find any.
I took some measurements of my mouth and ordered a set of false teeth from China but when they arrived, they needed braces and I’m too old for that so I’ve given up on internet, mail order choppers. Surprisingly there are no sites on the internet telling how to make your own so I guess I’m stuck ordering a set from a dentist’s catalogue.
I also have to decide if I want a local or to be put to sleep when it’s time to get my teeth yanked out. I don’t mind a local. Blood doesn’t bother me. Over the years I have had more stitches put in me than there are in a football. The thought of hearing all that pulling and digging and yanking tends to make me think I might want to be in lah lah land when all this is happening. I also don’t think I want to see how the dentist gets my nose out of the way while he’s pulling my choppers out.
Getting knocked out is its own problem however, as over the years when I have been “put under" I have had a tendency to wake up during the operation. I don’t want to scare a dentist into pulling out my tongue after he is startled by my sitting up in the chair and asking how he’s doing. I could live without any teeth. I couldn’t live without having my tongue to wag.
Since the demographics of my readership shows a strong following in nursing homes and cemeteries, I’m sure many of you out there have your own stories about what I will have to go through. Send me a note or an E-mail telling me a few “do’s and don’ts" about what I should prepare myself for. In the meantime, I’ll just keep smirking when someone asks me to smile.
Freelance writer, columnist, author and writing coach, ex-Chicagoan Mike Fak presently resides in Central Illinois. More information about Mike's services are available at his home website www.mikefak.com
Mike currently writes primarily humor columns for searchwarp bi-weekly and is the managing editor of www.lincolndailynews.com
» left by Rose DesRochers (2 years 56 days ago.)
Thank you for the most amusing write. I found your article to be a entertaining look at aging. Respond to this comment
» left by Mike Fak(6,526) Mike Fak (2 years 56 days ago.)
Thank you Rose. I have found over the years humor can take the sting out of many of the things we face in life. I have enjoyed reading your work as well. Mike Respond to this comment
» left by Anonymous (1 year 53 days ago.)
Found this over a year after you wrote it, looking for (can you guess) how to make your own false teeth! If you are still in the market try on the net
» left by Mike Fak(6,526) Mike Fak (1 year 53 days ago.)
Thanks but I have a lovely set of choppers I had made by a semi-retired denturist who copied my teeth from a picture when I was thirty. But thanks again and thanks for reading. Mike Respond to this comment
I was touched by your article and understood your heartache at losing your teeth. I never talk to anyone about this but thought I'd tell you since we don't know each other. I haven't smiled a toothy smile since I was twelve years old bcs my teeth were sorta crooked. My lifelong dream was to have pretty teeth but raising three kids alone I couldn't afford dental work. My kids (in their forties now) all have nice teeth by the way. At my present age of sixty-six I still cry when I'm alone bcs my front teeth are gone. A few years ago a dentist quoted $14,000 to restore my teeth and I never went back. Every morning I melt parafin in a spoon, let it set to semi-hard and fill the front gap with it. It hardens and takes on the curve of teeth and since I never smile a toothy smile people don't notice. The parrafin keeps me from looking and talking funny but it melts if I eat something warm. It goes without saying that when I eat out I eat something cold.
» left by theresa from waco,texas (48 days 23 hours ago.)
oh my goodness i just heard myself i have raised 4 children n yes their teeth r nice from care every year at the dentest but i would give anything to have that pretty smile again its not the dentures that cost its the pulling them so i guess iam playing the waitting game for them to jump out them selves there has to be somewhere to get cheap dental work i have even search mexico well good luck i wont give up
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