Ladies, many of you probably think you’re the romantic in your marriage. Your husband, frankly, is clueless when it comes to romance. You have to practically beg him to say “I love you". You grab his hand when you walk together (and he keeps pulling it away). You can barely get him to remember your anniversary, and when he does remember and brings you a gift, more often than not it came from the head, not from the heart. After all, men think logically, women think emotionally. There’s no doubt that women rule when it comes to romance. Right?
You might be surprised to find out you’re wrong. In her book “How to Make Anyone Fall in Love With You", author Leil Lowndes reveals that women are better at romance (with a small “r") than men when it comes to the little things, like holding hands and remembering important dates. But men are the clear winners when it comes to Romance (with a capital “R"). They initiate serious relationships more frequently than women do; they are more idealistic about love; they’re more adversely affected by breakups, and more willing to work out problems in the relationship; and they rate their spouses/lovers higher in their social pecking order.
What does this mean for you, ladies? It means your husband is aware of what romance is – and he needs romance just as much as you do! But remember, romance for you means doing the little things. Romance for your husband is viewed on a much larger canvas. You need to work in his world, give him Romance (note that capital “R" again) in a way he’ll understand. That doesn’t always mean purely physical, so you can breathe a little easier (and please, put away the big satin ribbon and stiletto heels). Here are some ways you can show your significant other that you know how to romance him in ways he’ll understand and appreciate!
Reassure Him You’re There for the Long Haul If your husband’s being a bit of a jerk because he’s having a rough day (week, month, year), it’s a good time to let him know you’re there for him. Maybe you need to fix his favorite dinner, offer to rub his back, or run a hot tub for him (yes, guys do like baths once in awhile). He may be a bit taken aback by the attention. If he asks why you’re going to all the trouble, you can tell him the truth: “I love you no matter what, and I just wanted you to know that." You reinforce to him that you love him for who he is, not what he does. You emphasize that this area of his life is stable and secure, even if others aren’t. And you keep it simple. Guys don’t always need to know the details; the bottom line usually will suffice. For his part, it can help relieve a lot of pressure and make him a bit easier to live with.
Treat Him to Something He Really Likes You love going shopping at the mall; he’d rather spend his time at the computer warehouse or the sporting goods superstore. There’s nothing you enjoy more than lunch at your favorite tea shoppe ; his idea of a great meal is heading over to the all-you-can-eat steak buffet restaurant. Your idea of a good movie is something you can laugh and cry at; he’d rather see a shoot-‘ em -up action flick. Break down, ladies. Do something he wants to do for a change. It doesn’t have to be a daily thing, but it should be a regular occurrence. So what if you don’t really care for go- karting ? Would you have gone with him before you got married? I’ll bet you would have. Letting him call the shots when it comes to entertainment for the two of you shows him you think his likes and interests are important. And I’ll bet the next time you want to go somewhere you like, he won’t be as quick to complain…!
Offer Him Time Off He works a full-time job. He helps around the house with the cooking and cleaning and laundry and…okay, so he picks up after himself more often than not. He does have that infamous “honey-do" list to work on, though. And his evenings and weekends are booked up with all of your social activities. So how do you romance a guy who’s constantly on the go? Simple…you give him some time off. Give him the freedom to enjoy that Saturday morning round of golf with his buddies, or go see his favorite ball team play a couple of times a month during the season. Don’t be surprised if this one backfires on you, though – when he tells you to take off with your friends for the afternoon while he watches the kids – and tells you to pick up that nice new dress you’ve been eyeing for awhile.
Have That Intimate Talk – and Listen Your macho-acting, sports-loving, bear of a man husband doesn’t mind talking to you about a variety of topics. Amazingly, he really can open up to you about your relationship. You just have to let him do it on his terms. That does NOT mean sitting down next to him during the football game and asking “Honey, how do you feel about our marriage?" You’re likely to get a grunted, “ It’s fine," and then he’ll be engrossed in the game again. If you need to talk, wait until his task-oriented mind isn’t involved in a major task. Initiate the conversation if you have to, but pay attention to the verbal clues he gives you that indicate he wants to talk. And then…listen. Don’t criticize, don’t compliment, don’t even comment. Let him do the talking. You’d be surprised at just how much information he is willing to share with you when he doesn’t feel that he’s being threatened or manipulated.
Gender Translation Some of you ladies are looking at this list and thinking, “Good grief! This looks like my husband’s birthday wish list! What’s so romantic about any of this stuff? I can’t do this! It’s too hard!" The fact is your husband considers this stuff romantic. It doesn’t make any difference that you don’t, because he thinks using a different algorithm than you do. As for the difficulty issue, do you think it’s easy for guys to do the hand-holding, maintain intimate small talk, and the like? Some of them really struggle with meeting their wives’ needs! So buck up and (dare I say it?) stop thinking like a female! Your husband WILL appreciate these things!
Then there will be the few who will claim that all of these actions and attitudes seem a little, oh, I don’t know…sexist, perhaps? I have to respond by asking this: Is it sexist for a man to show his wife that he cares for her, by working his job and providing for his family, by fixing things around the house, by showing her in the little ways that he loves her? If not, then neither is it sexist for a woman to show her husband she cares for him in the ways mentioned above. It’s a matter of meeting the other person’s needs in a way he (and she!) can understand. If that’s sexist, then I guess we’d all better be guilty if we want to maintain the kind of relationship that lasts a lifetime. And is it worth it?
Additional sources for this article include
Amazon.com and
Sandstorming.com .
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