I Never Said I Was Normal

Welcome To Poverty 101: Day 1

In fact, quite a few of the items that you have been used to receiving in your other classes are scarce, if not nonexistent, in this class. For example, you might have noticed that there are no textbooks for this course. Part of living in poverty is learning how to do without the nonessentials. Other professors may feel that textbooks are important but I say they're a waste of money. I am perfectly capable of teaching you all you need to know about Poverty without having to consult some textbook that was written by a college graduate who lives in a gated community and drives a $80,000 automobile.

You might have also noticed that there are no desks in this classroom. Instead there are only a few overturned 5 gallon buckets and a couple of empty banana crates. These pieces of 'furniture' were donated by the local landfill workers and serve just as well as those high dollar desk and chair units that you find in most classrooms.

Few of you realize this but sitting for long hours without any back support is also good for the digestion. The constant pain in your back keeps you from thinking about the knawing hunger pains in your stomach. Yes I know about the stomach pains. That is why instead of a Lunch break we will take a 30 minute Meditation break where we will ponder what we would be eating were we able to afford it.

I would also ask everyone to pay extra attention to where he/she sits and walks. This classroom serves as a barn during the day for the agriculture classes and every now and then there are some surprises left on the floor that the AgriNomics 202 students forget to pick up and use as fertilizer.

Students stepping in clumps of horse droppings disrupts my class and I will not tolerate disruptions when lecturing on a subject as serious as poverty. If any of you are sicken by horse dropping you may move you seat/bucket to the back of the room. This is where the hogs are kept during the day and you may find the conditions there more to your liking.

This classroom is also unencumbered by such frivolous items as chalkboards, overheard projectors, televisions, etc. This is mainly because our classroom failed a recent inspection and is therefore devoid of another nonessential luxury, namely, electricity. If you find that the lack of lighting gets to be too much for you then I recommend you wear brighter clothing.

Well it seems that our time has ran out for the day. Tomorrow we will pick up where we left off and I will explain more of the class rules and guidelines for Poverty 101. I'm sure all of you are eagerly anticipating Day 2 and you will all be here on time. Before you leave, however, I ask that everyone stack their crates and buckets neatly along the right hand wall. Just because you're poor doesn't mean you have to leave my classroom looking like a barn. Well, you know what I mean...

Great Coloring Book Rebirth

 I bought a coloring book yesterday from Wal-Mart. I hadn't colored in years and I got the strangest urge to do so out of the blue. I also bought a 24-pack of Crayola crayons. The box says they are non-toxic which is a relief. I just wonder who sells the toxic crayons and how they compare in price to the crayons I bought. Some people may consider having a radioactive glow about them the same color as the crayon they justed a great feature for which they would gladly pay extra.

The coloring book I bought is called Justice League to the Rescue and it contains colorable pictures of all the Justice League heroes like Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, and The Flash. My favorite is Batman. I've always admired the darkness that hangs about him. Other superheroes seem to happy and cheerful (even when supervillains are totally destroying their towns) but not Batman, you can hear the depression in his voice. I would vote Batman the 'CrimeFighter You Would Most Likely Run Into At Your Shrink's Office. I'm willing to bet that Batman has a few anti-depressants tucked away in one of those pouches on his BatBelt.

Since Batman is my favorite member of the Justice League I started my coloring book rebirth with one of his pictures. I colored his suit blue, his gloves and boots red, and the underside of his cape indigo. I would have called it purple but the side of the crayon said 'Indigo, Indigo, Indigo', apparently because indigo is spelled the same way in English, Spanish and, I believe, French. I've always wondered why Crayola listed the crayon colors on the side of their crayons in three different languages. As I child it was very confusing to me because I didn't know which listing was English and so up until about 10 years old I pronounced most of my colors in the Spanish tongue. I still blame this for most of my academic failures in life.

I colored Batman's eyes and face yellow-green (verde amarillo, vert-jaune) because I thought it would give him that money green aura that I'm sure a gazillionaire like Bruce Wayne has about him. Turns out I probably should have went with green-yellow (amarillo verde, jaune-vert) because instead of 'money green' the aura I got was 'ready-to-puke' which is probably the way he really looks most of the time when you factor in all the tall buildings Batman is constantly leaping from.

I was so satisfied with my picture when I finished coloring in that I signed and dated it. Who knows, years from now when I become a household name that picture may be worth a fortune. You may see it on Ebay going for thousands of dollars. Don't despair if you can't afford to buy it-I've got a whole coloring book here and a lot more crayons, I'm sure I can color something in your price range. Tell you what, just for you, I'll even get rid of the Crayola crayons and color a picture with a box of those regular ol' toxic crayons. Then you'll not only get a Timothy Ward original, you also get that great radioactive glow...

5 Reasons Why You Should Quit Your Day Job

Most of us would stop working if we could. We constantly dream about it, but that's about as far as we get-dreaming. Working a 9-5 just seems inevitable. I, Timothy Ward, however am a master at defying the inevitable. I stare 'The Inevitable' in the face and call him dirty names. I say, if you want to stop working, STOP WORKING I'll even give you 5 reasons why you should.

1. If you stop working you'll have more time to devote to reading my articles, columns, and lists. This will enable me to become a household name down at the Unemployment and Welfare offices. My fame is a small price to pay for you living your dreams. Think about this when you see me on the 'Today Show'.

2. Quitting your job will make you feel wonderful. For about 10 minutes you'll be on cloud nine, you'll be on top of the world, you'll be living the good life, you'll be: -insert your own cliche here-. Then you'll start worrying about the car note, the mortgage, the kid's school clothes, groceries, and how you're going to pay that $850 you owe the Petermanns for running over their mailbox and a whole row of prize-winning azaleas. All this will probably depress you to the point of assisted suicide, but at least you had 10 minutes of freedom.

3. Daytime television is some of the most exciting and captivating television around. You'll wonder how you ever survived without all those quality soap operas, daytime talk shows, and judge shows where you get the sinking suspicion that the judge has been paid off. When you combine this with all the informative commercials that air during the daytime that will 'Show you how to make $1,000 a day stuffing envelopes, 'Teach you to drive a tractor trailer in 4 days', 'Allow you to get a degree from home in such exciting fields as GED preparation and septic tank scrubber' and you'll not only wonder why you didn't quit your job sooner, you'll also vow to never work again.

4. In your formerly employed state you missed all those important calls from collection agencies and other bill collectors. Now that you have quit your job you'll be able to sit at home in eager anticipation of these oh-so-important calls. Toss in a few telemarketers, calls from the Sheriff's Association asking for donations, and a few of those computers that call you and ask you to 'Hold for an important message' and you'll have a full day of just answering the phone. It will be like having a full-time job all over again, without all the hassle of getting a paycheck.

5. Dragging yourself out of bed every morning at 5:45 a.m. can't be good for your health. Your doctor will proud of you for caring enough about your body's well-being to go as far as quitting your job. He will not, however, see you as a patient anymore because you no longer have health insurance. But there's no need to worry, after all that's why we have free clinics. Sitting all day in a damp clinic waiting room next to two teenagers with stage 3 Chlamydia is yet another experience you would have missed out on if you had kept your day job.

There you have it folks. 5 reasons why you should immediately go out and quit your job. Feel free to quote any of these reasons to your employer when you turn in your two weeks notice. If she wants to know where you came across such valuable information tell her that a unselfish friend of humanity supplied them to you free of charge, and all I asked in return was that you remember me next time you need your septic tank scrubbed...

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Timothy Ward desperately needs your help in becoming a household name. You can either visit http://www.tim-ward.com and subscribe to his humor column "I Never Said I Was Normal', or you can tattoo his name on at least 3 of your bodily appendages. The choice is yours.

The Bare Truth About My Butt Quiz

• Previous Posts:

• Welcome To Poverty 101: Day 1
• Tim Ward Is Hotter Than You
• Great Coloring Book Rebirth
• 5 Surefire Ways To Get Over Your Ex
• 5 Reasons Why You Should Quit Your Day Job
• Build Trust Through Ezine Articles
• The Bare Truth About My Butt Quiz
• 5 Surefire Ways to Ruin Any Website

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