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I Never Said I Was NormalTimothy Ward (533)    Timothy Ward   5 Reasons Why I Refuse To Turn 30Posted Wednesday, October 07, 2009 (46 days 9 hours ago.) Viewed 979 times. I'm supposed to turn 30 years old this month. But I think I'm going to refuse and stay 29 another year or so. 'Why', you ask? Well I'll tell you why... 1. By the time my Father turned 30 he had a great job, a beautiful wife, a nice home, 2 1/2 kids (I was still inside Mommy) and an afro. I, on the other hand, have none of those things. I might have been able to pull off the afro but my hairline started receding at 19 and there is nothing worse than a 'fro with the front missing. There is one thing I will have at 30 that my Father did not and that is a Level 58 Night Elf Druid on World of Warcraft. Yes, I play World of Warcraft...all the more reason for me to stay 29. 2. Once you turn 30 you can no longer use the excuse that 'you are young and in your 20's' when explaining why you do dumb things. Once you turn 30 and you do stupid stuff you are just immature and irresponsible. Actions that a week ago would have been met with laughs and giggles are now met with eye rolling and looks of disgust. People who loved hanging out with you when you were 29 and still 'young' will now shun your company because you are too 'childish'. I can't speak for anyone else but I personally plan on engaging in lots more dumbness and I don't want to be looked down upon for it just because I crossed some imaginary age marker. 3. I live in a college town where anyone over 25 is considered OLD. Fortunately, I don't look my age and so everyone assumed I was around 23 or 24 and no one ever asked. But I know that as soon as I turn 30 everyone is going to want to know exactly how old I am. If I had friends that were all my age this wouldn't be a big deal, but most of my friends are between the ages of 19 and 26 and I really don't feel like being the creepy old guy when we go out to clubs and bars. I can just see some pretty young college girl upon finding out my age turning to her friends and asking: "Like, who brought their Dad???" 4. I don't feel 30. I don't think your age should legally change until you feel that age. It just seems stupid that just because 365 days have passed I am no longer allowed to be in my Twenties. I don't feel a day over 24, ok maybe 26. Sure I'm starting to get a few more aches and pains in a few places, and sure my libido takes extended vacations that it never used to take, and maybe I don't have the strength and stamina that I used to, but that could just be from hard living. It has nothing to do with the number 3 or the number 0. 5. Ten years after you turn 30 you turn 40 and I'm in no condition to deal with that kind of pressure right now... So there they are, 5 great reasons why I am refusing to turn 30 this year. Hopefully, I will inspire others who read this article to take up this cause and refuse to be bullied into premature aging as well. If we all stand together we can put an end to this insane and outdated practice once and for all. We will be able to form a world where people are as old as they want to be and no older. We will be The Ageless, The Forever Young, The Ones Who Never Became Senior Citizens. Then again, I'm young and in my 20's, what do I know... 
Permalink Comments (11) 5 Surefire Ways To Nab The Girl of Your DreamsPosted Saturday, October 03, 2009 (50 days 9 hours ago.) Viewed 68 times. I constantly overhear guys asking for advice on how to land that special girl that they have been eyeing for months but have so far had no success in dating or even starting a conversation with in most cases. I overhear these conversations because for some reason no one ever asks me for advice on this issue. This is a shame because I know exactly what these guys need to do. Don't believe me? Well for the skeptics in the room I have decided to list: 5 Surefire Ways to Nab the Girl of Your Dreams. 1. Kidnapping You won't be in prison THAT long If all your previous efforts to snag the girl of your dreams have failed then perhaps it's time to switch up your tactics. Instead of trying to steal her heart why not go for stealing her whole body. Though illegal in all 50 states kidnapping is used quite often in Mexico and many South American countries and often with good results. You'll be surprised what a little duct tape, some strong rope, and a few hours in a locked trunk can do for changing the way a girl looks at you. Authors Note: You may want to retain good legal counsel before attempting this one. 2. Only dream about hookers One of the surest ways to quickly and easily nab the girl that you've been pining over is to be sure that the girl you are pining over is involved in the worlds oldest profession. No, not real estate. I'm talking about the worlds other oldest profession, the one that Eve undoubtedly had to engage in shortly after she and Adam were banned from the Garden. Yes, folks I'm talking about prostitution. Make sure that the girl of your dreams is a prostitute and not only will you be able to 'nab' her every payday you'll also be assured that when you do nab her she'll be experienced enough to carry her share of the fantasy. 3. Never Wake Up If each and every night you fall asleep and dream about Becky McFarlane from your accounting class only to awaken every morning and realize that she doesn't even know your name let alone want to date you, then perhaps your best avenue for winning her undying love is to stay asleep. If you stay asleep long enough not only will she agree to date you but the two of you may go on to get married, buy a house, have 2.6 kids, and eventually retire to Florida together. Spending the rest of your life asleep is a small price to pay for all that. Authors Note: Be sure to have a plan in place to awaken yourself in case of divorce, abnormal weight gain by your spouse, or extremely long visits from in-laws. 4. Alcohol A lonely man's best friend If the girl of your dreams refuses to go out with you or even look at you for that matter then it may be time to step up and be a gentleman. A gentleman instead of pestering the lady will agree to leave her alone. He will then stalk her until he finds out what bar, club, or restaurant she frequents. He will wait until he catches her there on a Friday night after shes had a long stressful day, and then he will offer to buy her a drink as his way of saying sorry for bothering her with his previous unwanted advances. When he finishes he will buy her another drink. Then another, and another, and another. He will continue buying the lady drinks until she is so blurry-eyed and incoherent that she would probably take home a card carrying member of Al-Qaeda not to mention a gentleman like yourself. 5. Begging It's not just for the poor Sometimes being attractive, suave, and having a good sense of humor just isn't enough. The modern woman is looking for more in a potential mate. She's looking for a man with goals, a man who can support her emotionally and physically, and a man who can be her soulmate. And if she can't find any of these qualities then she'll usually settle for a man that will grovel at her feet. The ego of the average man keeps him for begging for a woman's affection but the fact that you continue reading this article shows that you a a pathetic wimp of a man who can probably grovel with the best of them. So next time you see Shirley from Human Resources throw all caution to the wind, get down on all fours, and tell her that you will do anything for her. Let her know that all she has to do is ask and it's hers. You will be her slave, her boytoy, and her valet parker all in one. Her wish is your command, her whim is your wish, her laundry is your problem. This should be more than enough to win her love. If not, well then I suggest breaking out the duct tape...
Permalink Comments (1) Top 5 Reasons Why I BlogPosted Wednesday, September 30, 2009 (53 days 12 hours ago.) Viewed 1,444 times. I blog, and I'm not ashamed of it. Sure it's addictive and I could probably put the time I spend on it to better uses like showering, eating, or going to work. However I feel that being smelly, malnourished, and unemployed is a small price to pay for having a blog that gets updated daily. In an effort to educate the masses I have decided to share with the world the top 5 reasons why I blog. Hopefully one or more of these points will resonate with a few of my readers and they will be moved to start blogging, or worse case scenario, read and comment on my blog daily. 1. Boredom Believe it or not, I have no life. I know, I know, when you read my articles, hubs, and tweets it seems like I have soooo much going on, but it's all just a clever facade. I'm really just sitting in my room staring at the lime sherbert colored walls and wishing that I had remembered to Tivo something interesting to watch. Blogging is a great way to break up the monotony and keep me from slitting my wrist or worse watching FOX News. 2. I Hope To Get Filthy Rich Perhaps the word 'filthy' doesn't correctly describe how rich I hope to get from blogging. But I guess it's close enough for you to get the general idea. I want my blog to make me so much money that I'll have to take 2 hour showers just to get the money smell off me. I want a yacht, 3 mansions, (one for summer, one for winter and one for Black History Month) at least 15 cars, and as many servants as the law will allow before I have to get them Workers Comp insurance(I've heard it's expensive). I also want a teeny, tiny dog and a blinged-out manpurse to carry it around in. Of course, I haven't figured out how I'm going to make all that money off my blog but I'm sure it'll involve Facebook, Suze Orman, and Google Adsense. 3. Doesn't Everybody? These days it seems like everyone has a blog. I think they give them away at puberty. It's like a rite of passage. Turn 15, lose your virginity, start a blog. I know people whose pets have blogs. My garbage man has a blog. My mother...wait, well maybe not everybody. My point is that blogging is like shopping at Wal-Mart: everyone else is doing it and, like it or not, sooner or later you will too. Actually, I guess this isn't a reason why I blog as much as it is a reason why I don't not blog but you get the point. 4. Chicks Dig Bloggers Rapper, pro athletes, and actors are out. Bloggers are the new sex symbols. No longer are doctors, lawyers, and firemen the guys that attract the fairer sex. Nope, these days the ladies want the bloggers. Who cares how much you make a year, the hot model chicks want to know how often you update and how many loyal readers you have. Don't believe me? That's fine, I don't care if you believe me or not...just don't wake me up from this awesome dream. 5. For The People The People need hope. They need dreams. They need something to look forward to everyday when they drag in from work and log on to cyberspace. My blog provides that. Nothing cures having a horrible day and almost getting fired like reading about what my roommate left on the floor of the bathroom this morning. Nothing takes your mind off being married to a spouse that you haven't loved for the past 15 years like reading wee bits of poetry that I thought up on the toilet. Nothing makes you realize how good your life really is like the pictures of my possessions and the true-life stories that I post on my blog. Keep that in mind while you are laughing your heads off people...I do it for you! If you want to read my blog here's the link: http://mr3rdwheel.blogspot.com. Keep in mind that I just moved it over from Wordpress so it looks a little skimpy. But not for long I assure you. After all, chicks hate skimpy blogs...
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